Day 365: New Years Eve

Alright, this is it! The last day of the year! And I have been spending it mostly laying in bed watching a ton of movies. I started early this morning with Another Planet and Attack the Block. Then after running some errands and getting lunch with Hels, I came home and watched In Time and Source Code. Then some television. Now I am watching Anderson Cooper and Kathy Griffin waiting for midnight so I can go to bed without feeling like a loser even though I could easily go to sleep right now.

Hels really wanted me at her place tonight, but I just wasn't feeling like getting dressed again and meeting unknowns. I'm sure it would have been fine and social and New Year Eve-y, but I would rather not. Nor did I go out with Nate and the gang. I can hear fireworks popping off in the distance but none of the activity really bothers me. Too tired to wish I was out living it up. Contrasting this New Years Eve with last years, I did really good last year getting out of my comfort zone. Unfortunately/fortunately (depending on how you look at it) that type of behavior doesn't stick on a homebody-loner like me.

Well, here's to all I did achieve and have stick in this year. I never picked out a challenge for the next year so I guess I will just take a break on those for a bit. Oh look...New Years in New York...awesome. Now another hour for us. Who knows what the next year will bring, perhaps some more significant changes than this one did? It is cool that I now have this record of my 23rd year. Don't imagine I will be reading it anytime soon, though.

Day 364: Cyclical

Second to last day! My finger injury is in that great puckering stage that makes for perfect fidgeting - swirling my fingertip around the pinkish new flesh like a nervous tic. I am being duplicitous in my actions versus reasoning...or at the very least, I was not realizing that what I was fishing for would lead to something I wouldn't want until today when it became glaringly obvious. When you say you wouldn't want an unavailable guy to show interest in you as it would be an immediate deal breaker, it is probably not a good idea to bring up a possible attraction to third parties.

So that plus the return of the old non-flame non-relationship non-everything will make this new year especially...colorful. I just hope I can steer clear of anything that would compromise my integrity and that I can maintain my sanity. Yes. Sanity would be good.

In the past year I have gone from bored to miserable to slightly interested, but that was only in terms of my mental enjoyment. Of course, my living/life experience hasn't really developed and I am in the same place I was this time last year in terms of moving and hoping a refresh will boost some emotional satisfaction into my life. I am hopeful loneliness (alone, but not actually lonely) will do me good and I will have less money but more self-sufficiency which is one thing I am more than ready for.

Day 363: After Hours

I wasn't hungry today. However, that didn't stop, and hasn't stopped, my stomach from panging. I did eat a bit just to quell the pains, but nothing really sounds appetizing. Kind of unusual for me. I'm sure tomorrow will bring about proper hunger again. It feel like I haven't had a day off in forever, but that is only because I haven't had a day of laying around aimlessly in forever. Saturday wont cure that surely. I should use it to pack what I can before this next week brings its crazy.

I have the slowest healing body apparently with this wicked scrape on the knuckle of my right ring finger still resembling a crater. I had scraped it on the screen door while exiting the house before 5am last Saturday as I was getting everything in the car to head home. Almost a week later and it is still a rigid, redish flesh-less void that makes a fist a hard task. What if I need to punch someone?! Instead of punching and fist making, I taught Ash how to play Gloom and we played with Sandra during the lunch and then a round on our own. I got beaten by a newbie, but that is no surprise. As much as I love the game, I haven't worked out the best way to play it or how to win. Ever.

Except tonight. I did win a round against Sandra. These evenings of doms and/or card games will be missed but I will get a lot more relaxing time in without a buddy around to make the time feel like it is going fast. I hate these after work hours feeling like a short blip in a sea of long lines. Not enjoying nothing enough. I changed up the work day today by listening to stand up, starting with the one album of Louis C.K.'s on Spotify and spending the rest of the day listening to Patton Oswald. It is difficult to restrain laughter and focus on reading contracts, that's for sure.

Day 362: Like Dominoes

I seriously need to be a case study in how to waste an evening after work. I started the day watch the first thirty minutes or so of a one hour, thirty minute plus show yearly game show from the UK. I just now finished it. At 10:15pm. In between 7:00am and now I have been at work until 5pm. After that I have no real understanding of where the time went. I cooked some food...then it was 8pm suddenly and someone was here to look at the place and my room and talk with my roommates.

I bathed. I watched some more of the show. I got distracted my that one dude who kind of isn't and is in my mind at times and sometimes apparently even in my life when he chooses. Who is currently distracting me as I write this with talk of Adventure Time. One of my television loves at the moment. The housemates did seem to click with this girl who visited today and it seems she will be the one who is taking my room. Now it is up to me to get into my place (no key) and get my stuff in there (no vehicle to move my mattress, the only big thing I have) sooner than later as the new girl is anxious to get out of the place she is in.

I can only do so much as I can't control what the other parties choose to disclose. I have seen that thus far everything has worked out. Even though Kristie asked the owner of the house is my deposit could be used as rent because I was leaving without a months notice (real bitch move), he told us today that it could not be used that way (as I expected and communicated to her on the spot). These last planning steps should fall into place just as easily and then it is just the grunt work to get through. Then relaxation and gaming and television watching in the comfort of my own place. Quiet nights and quiet morning. Total darkness. Nice!

Day 361: Dangerous

Things are getting a bit complex at the work place. I have never gotten along with a group of people as quick and as strongly as I have these four: Ash, Hels, Les, and Greg. But it isn't an equal closeness for sure. My relationship with Ash and Greg stronger than my relationship with Hels and hers a bit stronger than my relationship with Les even though we work on the same team. When the work is solo and you are at the same level of experience, being in the same team doesn't really come into play in terms of interactions.

Keeping that in mind, I somehow did not realize that within the group there would be varying strengths of relationships. As in, Ash and Greg are also fairly close...and apparently share what I tell the other. Even though it is just jokes that I make and nothing terribly serious, I noticed I was becoming a little annoyed because it just felt kind of unnecessary. It started with Spotify and me downloading it to join the others in showing what we were streaming. I saw Ash was listening to a song with a title that made me think it was a sad-ish/angsty romantic song. On impulse I had the thought "How could she relate to that song when she is married to the person she thinks she will be with forever"?

I decided to share with her the thought though I prefaced it with a caution that it may make me sound like a dick, but it was just the first thought I had. She said she still related to the songs...or that she liked them just fine and we moved on. Later I was chatting with Greg on messenger and we made a joke about "Holla" being a virus - I bumped it to Herpes Simplex Type 1. He thought it was gross - I thought it was accurate. What I wasn't aware of was Greg then going to Ash to share the virus joke and her countering with "Keep in mind: this is coming from a girl who thinks people in relationships cant listen to sad songs".

Which is exactly was Greg then came at me with in a pseudo/genuine joking/serious way. I explained what I meant and he expressed that he understood but didn't agree. I had to let him know that it wasn't something to agree or disagree about, but rather just a random thought that had no baring on opinion or fact. That's when the annoyance started and it continued as we went to break and were joking about them talking about me and I was pseudo/genuine joking/seriously annoyed.

Toward the end of the day as I was actually working on something (slow day), Greg messages me "You know we think you are awesome, right"? Ugh, dumb grin all over my face. I fumbled for a proper response, "Do you think I am upset?" "I worry." "Don't." Then he reiterated that they thought I was cool. "Noted. Shared. Thanks!"

Day 360: Co-Habitation

Hiding a butter dish isn't a good indicator of adaptability. Kristie put Sandra's butter dish, a ceramic thing featuring a mouse, in the microwave. When Sandra went to put in her cocoa she noticed it. And was promptly amused and simultaneously annoyed. I didn't have to ask her to confirm these emotions as they were evident in her giggling interrogation of Kristie. They wonder why we don't feel comfortable in the house. She has been here the longest, but there isn't a seniority rule in living arrangements.

That happened before we left for the holiday. Today we had two guys look at the place. It took as much time meeting them (I wasn't really part of that as I 1.did not care 2.did not care because it doesn't affect me 3.it doesn't affect me) as it did reviewing them amongst themselves (I was a part of that, inexplicably and unnecessarily). It seems promising that they will find someone else just fine. Now I just have to figure my own shit out since the girl I am taking the lease over from isn't back in town til the 3rd and I have no way to enter the apartment.

I left several pounds of kitchen appliances in my trunk. If anyone were to desire to steal my car, they would hit the culinary jackpot once they popped the boot. I was worried about the microwave weighting down the back of the vehicle, but I think and hope it will remain good as I don't really have a place to put it until everything is sorted moving-wise. I woke up and googled renting trucks first thing as that is the type of waking up material I like to ease into the day with. Needless to say, I am still easy to incite anxiety even when at home with people who love me and help me forget the worries of adult-dom.

Day 359: Christmas Success

Written at 10:45pm on 12/25:

It was good. It was a good holiday. The presents were more evently spread than ever. Usually there is a huge disparity between what my sister and I reveive and what our mothers gets for us which makes no sense since there are two of us and one of her. It makes more sense if you know out mother and how difficult it is to buy her anything. The cook ware I received should help me in the new place. I I ever get there.

The day was spent in general lounging fashion - pajamas were a common garb of choice and snacking was prevalent. Mom worked most of the day on what would be our dinner, and while it was good, I would have rather had her lounging with the rest of us. We didn't even get to have her cake because we were full up until now when we are both too exhausted to want to eat anything else. Mom is still in the kitchen cleaning. Don't know how she can do it.

We got her to stop cooking for one episode of Once Upon A Time that she hadn't seen, but we had to stop halfway to eat the food. Enila got caught up on the show and joined me in mourning the unnecessary death of the finest sheriff I ever did see. Timothy Olyphant in Deadwood makes a close second. If he looked like he does in Justified - he would win. Just realized I haven't watched Justified since its first season. Should correct that wrong soon.

Day 358: Too Sleepy For A Title (Apparently)

The fire is crackling. So is the animatronic blonde headed angel. We have had that thing since I was a baby, mom reminds me, and that is apparently reason enough to plug it in every year so we can hear the dulcet tones that are buzzing mechanisms. It kind of erks me that the figure is blonde when we were all brunettes in the family. Shouldn't we have an angel that represents us?!

I fixed my sister's computer after arriving around 7:30am. These people, my mother and sister, are not very good at do-it-yourself things - that has always fallen to me to take care of. It was an easy fix to reset everything to factory settings but mom dubbed me a genius none-the-less. Genius would have been finding out how to eliminate the virus Enila somehow acquired in the first place. I took the easy way.

Sleep came for a few hours but not long enough. I took a muscle relaxer after I curled up in my sister's computer chair in a way that pinched a nerve in my ass/leg area. That made it so the little nap I had felt like it could go on forever. May be an early night so I can be a bit more functional in the morning. It has been a good day, minus the three hour drive, for not thinking about all the crap going on. Actually relaxing.

Day 357: Flexible

If I wasn't utterly exhausted from all the bullshit the vom'ed up today, I would hash it all out here. But because I am utterly exhausted, I am going to just say that people are illogical and dumb. Worse than that - they are vindictive and selfish then expect you to be anything but. I will play the game until I am out of here in a few weeks though I am starting to understand that nothing about this process is going to be easy or clean cut. The first of the month - the first of the year means nothing in terms of what is actually going to occur.

Work was nice at least. I had my group of pals back me, with Ash being significantly astute and helpful. Greg was humorous and on point as usual, Hels was blunt and encouraging, Les goofy and giving. Then there was the boredom of the day that enabled my team mates to get to know me and me then. That was a lot of fun and I wasn't as bummed out about not being able to leave early in the end. I can see me getting along with the group just fine though I found out I was mocking one of their roommates. Well - it was nothing I wouldn't say to their face.

I will wake up early tomorrow and head home to my mother and sister for the holiday. By early I mean 5am. I don't want to have to deal with traffic and assholes. I have had enough of that for awhile. Maybe I can relax a bit of the next 48 hours plus - then come back to this crap and try and decode what needs to get done and how. Just the vague thought of it makes my stomach turn. I was so hopeful the first would be the beginning of something beautiful and to think it is so close. Now it is more flexible than all that and money must be a flexible as the time. I don't subscribe to such nonsense.

Day 356: The Sea of Deadlines and Me

I would not suggest that anyone should talk to me with any kind of hostility when I am as anxious as I have been as of late. I went to work and from work to a store, veering away from the mainline of traffic in the process when ended up being for the best, got what I needed and then headed down south to make it in time to see The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. Pretty good effort, I have to say. I was surprised I liked it as much as I did. The opening theme sequence is kind of unreal. Unreally good, that is.

So it has just been one thing after another - no moments of rest - even lunch was a rushed thing with Hels and I trying out a Mediterranean restaurant she had been told about. It was really good actually, but an hour isn't a lot of time to enjoy everything and travel back and forth from work. It just creates another deadline in a sea of neverending deadlines that has become my life. I haven't packed anything or wrapped anything. Even if I get out from work early tomorrow, I wouldn't be ready to go and would have to rush and throw shit together. Also, I need to give a check to the person whose lease I am taking over. Another thing to try to tetris into alignment.

I was getting ready to sign the document that would move the lease over into my name when I stopped to chat with Sandra and through that chat in which I expressed my stress over many things but mainly the finding someone to take over my room situation, she made me realize that none of them seemed to understand that I would be gone before the next month's rent. I had to fix that shit right then and there. I went out into the living room where on Ran was sitting. He told me Kristie went upstairs to shower. I decided to just tell him the reality of the situation.

I thought I was being pretty nice about it. Explaining that they seem to want something different or more specific than what my ad presented so I needed him to tell me it was not my responsibility as I am not going to end up paying on the first of the month because they don't like what my ad brings. This dude it passive as fuck so when he said "so...you are giving us one week and two days to find someone..." I kind of lost my shit.

I laid it out that I had let them know every step of the way what was going on from me starting to look for places, to finding one, to post the ad that I posted at the beginning of the week. Which was two weeks before I would be gone. Not ideal in terms of advanced notice, but I already had someone interested and they were choosing to be judgmental before even meeting the person. We had options my way - they just didn't want to pursue them so I told him to "figure it out". I was a flat out bitch about it and I only feel a fraction bad about it because it is like yelling at a child - a mumbling, dull child. It isn't in my nature to leave people inconvenienced and not give a damn, but he sure helped push me in that direction.

Day 355: Early Day/Stress Relief

I had some delusion about the day. I figured getting off at 2 would enable me to relax a bit, not do the irregular breathing bit, and when I got off I could enjoy about an hour to eat or what have you before heading to my doctor's appointment. Yeah...Instead I got onslaught with cases and slowly starved myself, allowing myself to eat some chocolate and cookies while working on cases then in that hour of free time I decided I would just wait to eat after my appointment.

So by the time I finally got home I was all kinds of weak and hungry. I ordered a pizza online and went to pick it up. Usually I am not one to eat in the car, especially when the house is just down the street a ways. I hesitated the first mile or so before relenting, opening up the box and taking a slice. I then proceeded to eat half the large pizza as I got home and in bed. Eating pizza that is still in the box in bed...watching some stand up comedy. Wow, this is my life. It was damn good pizza too. Even with as much as I ate and the slices Sandra later ate, I have three left to eat for lunch tomorrow. That is a good deal.

It is a good thing it is Thursday tomorrow because in the tension in my body makes it feel like my spine is going to snap in half. I have to consciously relax my body as I am doing regular (and regularly stress-less) like driving. I can feel the tension eek out for just a moment then I tense up again once I stop focusing on it. I am sure that is another reason why my bad knee is acting up. It is all kinds of rigid this evening and while it is raining again, none of my other bad spots (two previously fractured fingers) are aching. Doms and some Flower gameplay help relieve the stress a bit.

Day 354: Real-Time Life

Wrapping still hasn't gotten done. Instead I spend my precious hours away from work and before sleep and when I am not eating or showering - reading. I finally caught up on a blog I was introduced to before our internet went down at the end of November. I feel like I just finished reading a book, when the story sticks with you afterward even though this is real life and real time now that I am up-to-date. I guess because I just went through almost four years of life with these "characters" (real people), I got a little attached.

I also realized I needed to hurry and catch up as it was taking up a lot of my freetime. I didn't play my PS3 at all this weekend because it was just television and this blog. Crazy shit. Makes me worry about my priorities. Though I must indulge in anything that keep my mind of the worries work can bring. I realized today (? maybe yesterday) when I exhaled in a load and slow-seeping kind of way that had my neighbor giving me a look, that I need to calm my shit. I am not breathing right, my body is all tensed. I got an audit from QC that was something I actually did correctly so I had to get all ruffled about that and make the moves to get them to fix it.

I will leave early tomorrow for a doctor's appointment so maybe that will allow me to mellow a bit - the promise of an early day. I don't think I am fucking anything royally up but it is just a world of a lot of different things going on that you must be aware and on top of and that gets my anxiety a-flowing. I haven't had a private thought I feel in weeks. Haven't contemplated what my next challenge should be and we are less than two weeks away from the New Year. I guess I could just live life like a normal person, without self-imposed obstacles-meant-to-beget-creativity. But why would I want to be boring?

Day 353: Numb Ramble

So it looks like I will be moving. Kind of happened fast. It is interesting that a year ago I was in the same position - a week before Christmas finding a place and locking it down, in wait to move the week after the holiday. I posted a Craigslist add for the first time ever tonight as well. That was made difficult by my mild...highness. The rainy weather caused by bad knee to pain so when I got home and looked at my bedside table I had Ibuprofen and Hydrocodone to choose from. Guess which I picked.

A few hours later, after eating and playing a game of dominoes, that shit was really kicking in and that is when I decided I would try to write a coherent and enticing ad for the masses. I am having the same issue typing this. It's been an hour...I think since I started writing this. I have had a medium size dog sit on me, shedding his doggie hair. I have had to go outside to persuade the same dog to come inside from the rain. Bitches be wanting to play outside in the dark and get wet. What the hell? I have been distracted with internet readings and phone games.

But here I am now typing my writing bits for the day. The day wasn't all that eventful minus the progression with the moving situation. I needed to wrap the presents I got for my sister and mom but I played doms with Sandra instead. Priorities, people. It will get done before the end of the week, I have no doubt. I think I have caught up on everything, or nearly so, and my freetime can be dedicated to other things...like playing PS3...or wrapping gifts I suppose. Still several days to go before I leave town.

Day 352: Incest in Fiction

Just finished the season finale of Dexter. What is up with the incest, for real?! I....I was about to write that I normally don't have a problem with incest, but let me elaborate on that instead of going straight on to why I am creeped out by the storyline on this show. Okay, so one bit of fiction that has done incest "right" I felt was Angel Sanctuary. I remember back in the day...haha! if 2001-2003 can be back in the day, I really felt for the main character of that story and that he was in love with his sister and that it was mutual and forbidden for obvious reasons by their parents. Their love for each other transcended the lives they were living, since it is a story about reincarnations and angels, it just made sense in the world that was created.

I was inspired by that story and the ability to make something controversial seem real and even give a measure of acceptance to it - so I made that one of the central conflicts in my own story. The incest in my own story, like Angel Sanctuary, was between a brother and sister that were separately raise, or nearly so. In AS the siblings are literally raised away from one another - my characters are raised together but age difference and personality clashes keep them from being close. You can't have kids who are raised together and are close end up together. That is the issue I am having with this new storyline in Dexter. It may seem like splitting hairs, but I seriously think it makes all the difference in the ability to accept those kind of feelings.

It probably also helps that in AS it is established from the beginning that Setsuna has feelings for his sister and he is pretty torn up about it. I can't speak to how accepting an audience is toward the way I have portrayed my storyline as it is the one I have failed to write because, aside from that plot line which is pretty strong, the rest resemble wet noodles. It was painful - hilarious that is - watching some of the scenes tonight. Just so awkward and unnecessary, Deb analyzing Dexter "staring" at her and touching him while he is half-shirtless. Ugh....no. Stop it!

Day 351: Plans and Productivity

I hate shopping. I also hate being woken up by housemates telling me I need to move my car from the driveway because roofers who have not been coming the whole week decide to arrive before 8 on all our collective day off. It's no wonder I felt too tired to go hang out with people tonight. After shopping through the morning, I retreated home to do some laundry and start the long catching up on television process. It is some 8 plus hours later and I have caught up on two shows, almost three if I don't fall asleep before the next one and a half episodes of Dexter.

Then tomorrow I must go out to continue some minor shopping, hopefully that will be the end of it, and then a gloriously planless day awaits me. I am not made to be always on the run. I don't like having plans that roll onto the next and the one after that. I may need to touch up the haircut I gave myself the other day. It seems I may have cut too many of the curls close to my face too short in relation to each other. I am kind of hesitant to mess with it though in case I royally fuck with my hair, the slowest grower in the name of hair. Luckily, curly hair is pretty forgiving and length can be all over the place and still not be noticeable to the layman. However, it can make the overall look a bit wonky.

Even though the Couple cleaned their dishes, I still dragged my feet to prepare some meals today. I only ate one can of garbanzo beans and then some alfredo coated bow tie pasta. Now, almost 11pm, my stomach is all hollow but hells if I am going to eat that late. I mean, I am laying down typing this in the dark so no- food can wait until tomorrow. See, this is what I mean. I don't like even my body trying to tell me what to do and when! I do what I want! I eat what I want! And I go to bed hungry when I want! Holla!

Day 350: How to Make Friends

I was a special breed of dumbass today. I don't know why or how it came to be, perhaps it was the stress of being in a new position, the alienation from my friend, or just my brain giving an "enough!" to sense and reason and shutting down. First I called the pregnant one in our gang by the wrong name. Twice. In front of everyone in our new group. When she questioned me after the second time and I realized in that moment what I said, flushing a hot, hot red, made hotter by the rippling of laughter behind me, I knew I was fucked in terms of leaving that moment behind.

When I do something legit. embarrassing, I can live on that embarrassment for a long time. There are things from several years ago that I can still remember can get proper red-faced about. But I tried to apologize, tried to joke about it, anything to alleviate the burn. It was totally ridiculous because of course I know her name. I have been saying it for the past month plus.

I really won it while exiting for the day though. Now that us newbies are all separated and into our respective groups, everyone but me and the pregnant one work the shift that begins and end and hour later. So as I was on my way to the door, I walked through an area filled with people I do not know. I see in the middle distance, some 10 feet away or so, two of my buds, Ash and Greg. I decide on impulse to say goodbye to them and utter "Bye, losers!", simultaneously realizing that the losers I want to hear me are not the losers who are listening. Suddenly it is a chatter of "what!?" and me explaining who I was talking to and then the pregnant one, Les, is explaining that I call the ones I was intending to say goodbye to - losers as an endearment, and this other dude stranger is telling me "I don't even know you, you can leave!" in a mock (hope it was mock) angry way.

Seriously. I'm an asshole.

Day 349: The Group, The Individual, The Couple, and The Non-Entity

Everything has been so frantic as of late. Or I suppose that is just how I feel when I have a lot of things going on a limited relaxing time. I woke up with emails I couldn't read through my phone. No reason for it - just blank emails and from two different people so I knew it was a phone glitch of some kind. So then I had to boot up the computer to see what was being said and respond before going to work. I thought I pushed send on the email to meet after work to see a place, but it was a good thing I got stuck in traffic and messaged the girl because she never got my email. I shut the computer down without pushing "send". Moron.

Work itself went by pretty quick, as it does when you spend so much time on each case. I probably only issued about 8 in the whole day. I was able to take a slightly later lunch to coordinate with Ash's slightly early lunch. Only scant appearances from my other buds throughout the day. Ash and I discussed how we arent the types to invite each other to hang out outside of work though we like each other fine enough. Hels has invited us to a party she is having on Saturday. The male bud, Greg, admitted he that it may not be a good idea for him to go because his girlfriend may get angry. Needless to say that made me go off on a rant about relationships and insecure people.

One thing I have noticed as of late is that I am not thinking about that-one-that-is-to-be-unmentioned. Too much going on, too many people and things happening to really focus on someone who isn't even around. Maybe when he moves back here and we talk every once in a while or whatever it becomes, that will change, but really I feel good the way it is now. I am not even bothered by the thought he isn't online. It's the holidays and he is undoubtedly with the family having a good time before choosing to start the school grind again. Ugh, why bother is what I say.

Day 348: The Limited Outside

I cut my own hair today. I don't know why I don't just always do that. I don't think I got all the dry, bad ends, but I got enough to make cleaning my hair less hair-ball creating. I also gave it a little bit of shape that I wont know the full effect of until my hair dries (I cut it dry, of course, but the humidity and the part in my hair is a bit different than I normally wear it). I'm sure it wont be a tragedy, regardless.

We graduated out onto the floor today. After lunch, catered and fancy with turkey I didn't eat and all the sides, they had moved our shit. I was legit sad about moving away from my buds. It didn't help that it was a shit day of certificate making. So I could now do the job without everything quality checked to hell and back, but then they decided to give me all these cases from this one client that takes for-ev-er to do anything for because you have to read a lot of contracts. It sucks a lot and they shouldn't make it so you do more than three a day or you will want to slit your wrists by the end of the day which is the point I was getting to.

Now I can see what my work life is going to be. Not really excited about it the way it stands right now. My friends are all going to a different schedule, minus the pregnant one who is in my group. The carpet directly under my cubicle is stained and smells. There is a window, with a view of the sky and a pretty fall-affected tree, but as I was looking out - enjoying that view - I was told it was rarely open because the glare that sunshine would cause on the monitors. It was a cloudy day and that was the only reason I was allowed to see the limited outside. 

Day 347: Flowers and Awks

"I'll tell you if I am up to watching some Flower...after I play with my flower" with hand gestures. Sandra things she is funny. After having a conversation about masturbation...as you do when you are two grown adults who are living sexless lives, she had to exit the room with that parting phrase. Now I don't even know if I want to play Flower. Haha, no, I always want to play Flower because it is prettiful and I can now play it from the comfort of my bed. It looks pretty damn good on my monitor considering it isn't as high quality as I would want it to be. But once again, I must compromise quality for frugality.

So it has been two days since Sandra started working at the same place that I do. I was worried that the dynamic with my pals would change with the introduction of someone new to them, old to me, and someone new to the environment and therefore in a vulnerable position. The thing is, we are still the new kids in many ways. I sure as hell don't know the bulk of the people in the office, so for me to be explaining the inner workings of anything to anyone is a bit ridic. But you get kicked out of the nest real quick here. Today should have been our last day of training. I wont know until tomorrow how it all ends up though. They are also feeding us tomorrow which is one less thing for me to worry about in the morning as I made...nothing.

I may have been caught in a plot today. One of the girls, Hels, she has a housemate I have met in passing a few times. He commented to her offhand that I seemed like someone who took no shit. I thought that was amusing since I surely didn't say anything in front of him that would make him think that. For some reason Hels, Ash and I brought him up and when Ash mentioned that he was cute, I went ahead an agreed. Now I should have known better - Ash is married and Hels pretty much...and she is best friends with the dude...so I should have kept quiet. But because I didn't, they got all excited and started chattering about hook up and yoga (dude teaches yoga) and hot-face-making stuff. It was the Awks. 

Day 346: Post Party Breakfast and Movies

Written at 9pm on 12/12

...I woke up for good around 10 and Lily followed suit shortly after. We were hungry from the get go and wondering where the boys who went to bed so early were. We decided to clean up the kitchen in preparation of cooking as we are both the type that likes everything in its place before starting a cooking project.

Nate woke up while were in the middle of handwashing the fluted glasses and told us to just put them in the dishwasher, against our better judgment. But we did so and things cleaned up much quicker thereafter. Then Nate's boyfriend Sal made us amazing blueberry pancakes and Nate made some scramble eggs to go with, offering mimosas which I passed on (how do these people drink all day, every day?) and we started the first of three very different movies. Paris Is Burning.

Then we watched Strictly Ballroom because none of them had seen it and it is one of my favorites. I made the red velvet cupcakes as they watched but joined them in the last third as I couldn't resist. Then we went with the Australian theme am watched Muriel's Wedding. Very interesting, not what I was expecting. By then it was 4 and we all kind of naturally departed. At that point I was pretty surprised I was still upright with the lack of sleep I had. Lily had it was worse but none of us fell asleep during the movies. I was feeling the sleepiness today though, at work and curled up in my chair.

Day 345: Cheese, Champagne, Revelry

Written at 11pm on 12/11

Last night was crazy. Started with three glasses of champagne at Apothecary with a bunch of strangers plus the birthday girl, Lily. I did pretty well I think at mingling and making small talk with the others. I was pretty tipsy by the first glass because I hadn't eaten anything since breakfast. So I ordered a salad and sampled the artichoke dip that two of the other girls bought. Eventually the bulk of us headed over to Nate's for the proper party/sleepover part of the night.

With that many people in that small of a space, it made for a lot of noise and some arguments. Enough so first a neighbor came down to complain and then apparently a cop did (I wasn't witness for that one). I had another three glasses of bubbly and mingled hard core at that point. A few hours in I got schooled on cheeses by one half of one of the couples who was very generous in sharing their cheeses. One in particular had me out of my mind eating it. Just thinking of it now makes me feel like I could eat a block.

So I lost steam around 4 and passed out after blowing up my bed and sheeting it up. I figured the others wouldn't be that far behind, especially since the two owners of the place were already asleep by then. I woke up at 6 or so cramping of all things. So perfect that I would finally start on the day that I am not in a relaxing position at home. Luckily, I was prepared because it has been so late I have been wanting to be prepared at any moment, so I got up and took the pills I had in my coat pocket. The birthday girl and the other half of the cheese couple were watching The Big Lubowski so I watched that with them for a few minutes before passing out again...

To Be Continued...

Day 344: Weather Change Illness/Party Prep

Written at 6:30 on 12/10

I'm going to a birthday part in an hour. I wanted to get this done before because it is likely to be the longest birthday party I have ever attended. Starts at a restaurant at 7:30 then it moves to residency where television/movies, drinks, and games will be had. Then sleep, sleep anywhere you can find. Lucky me, I have my blow up bed. Then in the morning, full out breakfast.

I have been feeling crappy on and off today so i hope I can keep up. I woke up at the same time I have been waking up since starting the new job, 7am. It is inexplicable since my alarm would normally go off at 7:23 if I would let it wake me. Nope. And now, today, when I am allowed to sleep in. Nope. Not going to happen. So I just laid in bed and read stuff and played games on my phone.

Then I got the part I actually needed for my PS3 to work with my monitor. I got home and hooked everything up...no sound. Come on, now. That is ridic. I got the idea that it was a settings issue, and sure enough, after futzing with the audio settings I managed to get it to work. Glorious. Almost felt like a dumbass because the first "fix" from last night probably would have worked as well. Then again, what I bought today was a little over 3 dollars with tax. The things I bought yesterday were 20. I think it was worth it to miss a night of gamage.

Day 343: Red-Faced Friday

Written at 10pm on 12/9

What a anger making day all around. Work was ridiculous. I came to understand that we are not the only ones with a quota we are trying to fill. Quality can be on your ass like they are trying to hustle it and when they all start in on it together it can get perma-red-faced up in here. I was flipping shit all over the place, albeit in a hilarious fashion that I played up because our instructor is so dry with his humour; it is too tempting to try to make this dude crack.

Then I got home expecting to find 1. HDMI adapter for my PS3 to monitor and 2. Internet. No internet. Ran explained how the dude came but discovered he would have to technically go into our neighbors yard to get to a cable or some shit and she wasn't home so...Sunday. Supposedly. Oh well, I got the cable at least! Oh wait...what is this...the video works! HMM....OKAY...WHERE IS THE AUDIO!? Apparently when my dad helped me the other day he didn't think about how the audio would be able to play though my monitor (it doesn't). I went to get an adapter per dad's instruction. They didn't have the precise thing he instructed me to buy but I went with their suggestion and tried a combo they made up on the fly.

Nope. No dice. Silence. Like my soul. So tomorrow I have to return that shit. UGH. And then try to find what he described elsewhere. The one good thing about today was the Chinese buffet I had with an old coworker, her boyfriend, and her roommate. Cheese wontons and cheese mushrooms and fried zucchini and bread and ice cream. It was good. Expensive...but good. And I needed it after feeling quite beat up today.

Day 342: Stationary Aches

Written at 9:30 pm on 12/8

I've noticed my typing has improved in the past month, what with the frequency with which you are asked to type at my new job. I have also noticed that my spine is all beat up from the wonky way I like to sit in chairs that a designed to mold to your sitting normally body. There is a support brace toward the base that digs like a bitch when you sit like an asshole. But I don't like my feet on the ground.

My hand has started a kind of trembling that is so faint I only notice it really in the mornings when I am still laying in bed, head on pillow and tilted with my phone up to my face. As I move the screen with my finger I feel it. Maybe it is due to the equally fucked up way I sleep with my hands curled. About time that caused some permanent damage.

I am very tired right now, at 9:30 and I have been this tired for a few hours now. What is my youth when an office job can wear me out like this? I did well today, for what it is worth. Tomorrow should bring in the weekend with a buffet dinner. I have been looking forward to it all week, when my busy brain even remembers that it is in the forecast. Something about eating your weight in food to welcome a few days of unrestricted happenings.

Day 341: Questionable Eatings

Written at 11:30pm on 12/7

So I still fail at some food selections. I got the one pasta sauce that has animal in it, Puttanesca. I ready the front and it sounded delicious, olives and capers, beating out the mushroom one I initially picked up. I was getting the pasta ready tonight, opened the jar and was marveling at the smell when Sandra mentioned that she thought it would have anchovies.

I showed her the front that detailed the olives and capers. She thought capers were an animal product...then amended that to say she thought they go hand in hand with anchovies. Neither which is true, but when I turned the jar over and looked at the ingredients, sure enough there was a special notation of Includes Anchovies. Perfect. So I gave that away to the Couple and Kristie let me have some of theirs. Mushroom...like my original choice.

Sandra and I then double dom'd it, two games of dominoes, one won each. My bad leg was cramping up and her back was aching by the time we were done. Those couches are not comfy. Hot chocolate powered us through the first game, but by the middle of the second the energy was much lower. We were ready to be done with it. Kristie coming in toward the end with an intoxicated rant about some girls that left her group without letting them know they were leaving and how that was against the "girl code" didn't help the easily distracted Sandra from focusing on what were were doing.

Day 340: Adventures in Amateur Cooking

Written at 9:15pm on 12/6

I had success in the kitchen this evening. At work I was thinking about what I had bought the previous day. Tahini and tofu...had some pomegranates mom gave me over a month ago that were still good, but weren't going to stay that way long. I thought about making the pome. salad we had for Thanksgiving and pairing it was fried tofu coated with tahini.

I didn't really know the best way to do all this though. I didn't have the recipe for the pome. salad though I did try to find it online. I didn't find the exact one and didnt like the ones I did find so I just fully winged it. Started with deseeding the pome. and making juice our of some of the seeds and leaving some for topping since that it was Enila and I did when we started the salad on Thanksgiving. Then I added some lemon and balsamic vinegar and olive oil.

The tofu I was most worried about but I let it fry in some olive oil until tan then kind of dolup-ed and mixed the tahini on them. The odor suddenly became kind of pungent, I think a few were starting to get too crisp so I turned off the burner but left the pan on it as I was still deseeding the freaking pome. at that point. Cut up some tomato and laid down the spinach and brought all the elements together. I had to clean up before I could relax enough to try the dish. Then I sat in bed and had a bite. Then another. Pretty damn good - will repeat.

Day 339: Seasonal

Written at 10:30pm on 12/5

Yesterday Sandra and I went to Magnolias for lunch. She surprised me by giving out name as "Troy and Abed" so when the hostess called it...in a reluctant, hesitating way, I had the delightful mixture of joy and embarrassment battling within. Then the moment passed and there was mimosas (one, really) and potato cheese soup.

That night, despite my initial reluctance, we went to the official holiday tree lighting at Zilker Park. It was legitimate hesitation what with the cold mist that had been prevailing throughout the day. And she made her dog suffer through it as well, bundled in her jacket. Once we go to the circular space within earshot of the live band and the smells of vendor food, I was pretty game about it.

We were surprised to find ourselves under the tree instead of within viewing of it. Kind of bizarre and cool. Once they finally lit it I saw one girl in particular spinning in a circle around the base. Apparently that is something you are suppose to do. We just did the standard picture taking affair and then retreated to the warmth of a heated vehicle. The mysticism was somewhat dampened by the unnecceary prayer and my seasoned kettle corn sprinkling over my freshly cleaned sheets once we got home. But in the latter event, I just ate it up.

Day 338: Things You Don't Want To Know

Written at 10pm on 12/4

So last night we went back to Nate's house and had some wine and watched some Margaret Cho. On the way over I was bitching about all the horrible issues I have been having with my roommates to Lily and she had shared some of her own. When we ended up on the balcony at Nate's they mentioned "Weeds" and when I expressed interest, Lily got excited and said we should live together. I didn't have any objections as it would be cheaper and we truly seem to have the same mentality when it comes to living with others.

Things got awkward a few minutes later when they wanted to focus on my lack of a love life/sex life. I shrugged off the concern for my sexual well-being as usual and Nate honed in on Lily. They were kind of whispering amongst themselves about her last sexual encounter, Jake was pressing her to name it and she said something to the effect "the bad one" and then mentioned the last time she slept with someone was in March and then she felt it necessary to say "that was consensual" but in such a way that I took it to mean she had raped someone which didn't make sense as she does not seem the type to do that.

So I stopped her to laugh at the way she said that phrase and as I am mid-sentence I see Nate waving his hands wildly to stop me from saying it. Then there was silence. Then Nate asked if she wanted to talk about it. Then she said she didn't and wanted to talk about something else. The silence prevailed for another few seconds before the two of them could come up with something else to say. I remained silent and even while they were talking to me about other things my mind was reeling over what just happened. I know there is a huge and crazy statistic about how many women are sexually violated in the world so I shouldn't have been surprised, but I had never had to deal with that. I'm lucky.

Day 337: Social Saturday

Written at 1:15am on 12/4 (3)

What a crazy productive and social day. I woke up around 7:15 am as I am like to do- wake up as early or earlier than you would if it was a work day (I have yet to wake up for work by cell phone alarm...early everyday for a month now). I then went out to get to the bank to work out some ridiculousness with my account. Oh, they aren't open at 8...okay I was over by the old job anyway, why not say hi to the masses. I waste away the good part of an hour there.

The bank thing was short and then it was home to slum it for a while before doing a volunteer vet visit with my new co-worker. She surprised me by wanting to actually hang out beforehand so we got some burgers at Elevation then we went grocery shopping for her place. Between the two we stopped into a roaster for nuts. I mean, it isn't like the ones in Lebanon where you see the machines they use to roast but I could tell the stuff was fresh. I got the idea for two presents - one for mom and one for dad.


Then it was the pet vet visit wherein I had to wrap up a decidedly less than thrilled crippled cat into a blanket while we drove way the hell up north. That was charming an fun in its own way. I had to be on my way before long as I had a movie outing planned for 5pm onwards. The night evolved from there. I will continue tomorrow as I am still too fucked up to go on much longer. Sleep is calling.

Day 336: Year Challenges

Written at 10:30pm on 12/2

This is almost over. This challenge of writing for a year. I thought it would be the perfect challenge for the year I moved away from everything I knew and took on the world. I would branch out, be more adventurous, have those life experiences everyone talks about. That didn't really happy though.

The thing is I am a creature of habit in a lot of ways. I enjoy my life of seclusion. I suppose I would be more willing to venture out if there was someone pushing me to do so, but then with Sandra here I see that isn't always the case either. She will want to go watch a jazz band perform and I will consider it but ultimately veto the idea in favor of some more laying in bed on computer time.

At the end of this year I can safely say I am in the same state I was when I started it. Not any more evolved or worldly, not more accustomed to people, not less uptight. Really, it taught me how uptight I really am. When ads say they want laid-back people to respond, I know that is not me. The small things matter to me. An unlocked door. A product of mine not as I left it. Cats pissing on my rugs....I care about those things.

Day 335: Distracted Listener

Written at 9pm on 12/1

I was listening to someone as they were talking to me and realized I was being a distracted listener. I was just told that she (the speaker) was pregnant...and that she also got back with the father even though she had made it quite clear in the past few weeks that I have known her that he is a douche. So I asked the obvious question "wait...why are you back together with him?!" which made everyone at the table laugh.

While she was trying to explain to me that it wasn't for the baby but that he also has issues from being from a broken home and doesn't want that for his child, I was half listening because the others at the table were going on about how "her" (being me) it was to ask such a blunt question about relationships. So I am trying to pay attention to the person in front of me but I also want to know what is being said about me on the side. I think I did okay in terms of comprehension but I worry I looked less than rapt with what was being said to me.

Yeah, I don't get getting together with someone because you are going to have a kid by them. I know that is not what she said. But it also doesn't make sense to that they were separated and then when she told him she was carrying his biological progeny he decided it was worth a go again simply because he didn't want a kid of his raised like that. Explaining that first bit away with the impression that they "clicked" upon meeting up again just doesn't cut it for my cynical self. I do not see longevity in that relationship but then again it isn't my place to judge or care. I just think she could do it on her own just fine.

Day 334: Birthday Dinner

Written at 7pm on 11/30:

Last day of November, holla! I came home to a yummy smelling house and Sandra slaving away in the kitchen. She promptly shut the kitchen doors and told me to go take a shower as by the time I got out the food would be ready. It was an awesome effort, spicy butternut squash and onion with queso and taco shells and fresh tomato and re-fried beans. Good eats.

Then she had this cake that was cinnamon frosting and almond cake and that was hella good. What made it cooler was the inscription ala Community about expulsion for the womb and so I had to take the piece with "uterus". It was too tempting to not. She also made some margaritas that were yum. Bitches know how to do it out. Even if it has been five days since my birthday, it was nice. Even if she said it was a good excuse to make this meal she has been craving...it was nice.

I have been eating real well the past few days. I had a heaping dish of Thanksgiving left overs plus mixed salad and a broken up to-furky patty for dinner last night. Then I had another heaping lunch of thanksgiving sides for lunch today. Now this meal...I am doing good and hopefully gaining the weight I lost by being sick a few weeks ago. It is unnatural to see a lower weight on a scale than what you were in high school. Granted, it was lower by half a pound but still...bizarre.

Day 333: Routine Boredom

Written at 10:30 pm on 11/29

It's alarming how boring my life is as of late. Well...maybe it isn't that it is boring, or rather, that it isn't more boring that before because really not much has changed in terms of pastime activities. The boring is accentuated by the full work day, work that keeps you busy until the very last minute, and then an internetless life at home.

That's right, we are internetless again. This time they (the provider) said they had to disconnect it for three days in order to more the account over to a new name. I call bullshit. I call double bullshit that it has been over three days and the internet has not been restored. The fact of the matter is that I can access most of what I want on my phone so I am not complaining much about it. Also I have been on this Sims kick since before we left for Thanksgiving and the internet situation just intensified it.

Hours are lost to a game about living life. There is something inherently wrong about that. I am just dedicating my freetime to one thing whereas with the internet I would be watching shows, listening to new music, reading stuffs and...stuffs and yeah. More multitasking would be occurring. I should be fair and acknowledge I have been trying to find a place - it is just other douches who are hindering that progress.

Day 332: Last Minute

Written at 11:30 pm on 11/28:

Almost went to bed without writing. Crazy that we are only a month away from the end of this and I almost fuck it up. by "we" I have no idea who I am refering to. It is just me in this. This is going to be really short since it is late, I am tired, and sleep was calling me in just fine before I jolted up from the bed to find a scrap of paper, any scrap of paper, happens to be a scrap of paper from the last phone skin I received - now moot what with the new phone.

I woke up and read some Craigslist sublet ads, responded to one and felt hopeful I would be viewing the place after work. When I messaged the guy upon coming home though that did not occur. He said he believed it to be already leased. Odd since he told me he was working til 5 as well, kind of a bummer. Okay, short and sweet. Off to bed.

Day 331: Time Suck

Written on 11/27/11 at 9pm:

To be in a bed all day playing time and life wasting games. This is the life. It worked out since I woke up at 6 am and needed to avoid falling asleep during the day in order to ensure proper sleepage tonight. There isn't a lot to say about today. I woke up at 6 to the really load alarm ringer on the new phone. I need to get my old ringtones on this thing pronto.

Once I made it into Austin around 9:30, I had to play tetris with my minifridge to fit in all the thanksgiving left overs mom was nice enough to send me off with. My birthday cake was stuffed in at least one tupperware, maybe two. The thing is, my teeth are hurting enough lately that everything is a chore to eat, even the yummy things. Sometimes, especially the yummy things.

Mom called me something like three or four times in the few hours I have been here to ask one thing or another. One time it was to ask about work since she oddly didn't take advantage of me being in the same house as her for several days to ask about it. She seems upset that I spent the evening yesterday in my sister's room instead of sitting next to her in her own, but I was watching videos and didn't want to mess with headphones. Relationships with parents are hard to manage.

Day 330: Birthday

Written at 11pm on 11/26

The day was okay. They never are like to think they should be - these birthdays. I almost said they can never live up to the ones you have when you are young and have parties with presents and activities and gift bags and sleepovers. But it isnt really about any of those things, I suppose. What you- no-what I miss is that general all encompassing feeling the day would have. Today I woke up and say next to my sister in bed and we just played on our phones. Then she left at 2 for work. Nothing about those morning hours could have indicated it was a day of celebration.

I went to lunch with Lou which was undoubtedly the most "birthday" feeling thing because Lou s a walking-talking gift giving fiend and even though she didn't give me anything on this occasion other than a really tasty, non-veggie friendly (pretty sure there was lard in the beans) meal, she always thinks of others and gives things throughout the year. This is also the third meal in a row she has paid for which totally break me friend code of alternating "treating". She also gave me the treat of revealing she had progressed in her first relationship in a way deserving of birth control, and for a girl normally fairly reserved about talk of an intimate nature, she was remarkably open and honest. Even if I remain an eternal virgin, with little worry, it is nice to know others who use to be in the same way have found someone who they are comforable enogh to progress to that level with.

This day kind of can get to me like that - as another day , another year, in the same emotional/sexual state. That can seem depressing when viewed on a yearly basis with the years adding up to my eventual demise, but there are more important things to life than getting laid. Surely.

Day 329: Black Friday

Written at 11:30pm on 11/25

Exhausted from shopping and talking and playing games. Who 'dis be? Crazy times were had today. It started with my sister waking me from my slumber (was already technically awake, just not up and moving. Still had potential sleep in me). And we were off to conquer all those sales and crowds and such. On the way I went ahead and called Dad about the suspicious $500 withdrawal from my savings account. It was not he, he say so I made a claim on it once we got home from $20 jean purchasing. Then it was an hour meet up with an old co-worker over some Wing Stop (just the fries for me, just the chicken for her) and then the sister and I went to check if there were any good phone deals.

I was initially hesitant about pursuing new phones because I don't need my phone to be very sophisticated, really. It just needs to dial out. The limited internet and music capabilities the old phone had was just bonus and sanity saving at times (mainly in the cashiering days). I was worried in particular about the current discount we have because of where I work. Where I use to work, actually. I was sure they would ask for new confirmation of employment. They didn't. Things were good and now I have a fancy phone that can play music while I write and lets me play games and visit my gossip website like a boss.

We pulled ourselves away from the phones long enough to meet Enila's new boyfriend for coffee and an interesting card games, Gloom, where the goal is to have the worse experiences and die first. Pretty addicting. Now I will sleep and wake up to my birthday. An uneventful day I foresee with my sister and mother working opposite schedules and no friends in sight. Oh well, I have a smart phone to sing me happy birthday. There is surely an app. for that.

Day 328: Thanksgiving

Written at 11:30 pm on 11/24:

Thanksgiving dinner feels like ages ago. The hours between then and now are a blur of post-noshing fatigue, Adventure Time, ragging on my sister and her new boyfriend, finding my savings account plus $100 and then minus $500 (don't think the second was on purpose) and buying myself a Playstation 3. Holla! I wanted to get a nice big TV for the new gaming funtime to be had, thought the black friday deals would help me out, but that doesn't seem to be the case.

Talking to dad about what I would need from a screen, it would rack up to about $500 to get just a 32". Maybe I will hold off on that because I think I can play with my computer monitor in the meantime. The important thing is getting to play some of the games I've been wanting to play without eating away at any more of my memory or harddrive space on my computer.

Don't know for sure what tomrrow has in store, if Enila and I are going to brave the crowds for anything. I was thinking about trying to check in with my old co-worked, maybe Wingstop it up. She may need it after dealing with the crazy money demands of the day. Today though, it was a win. We worked together to make some dishes which on its own is a feat, but when you add in a small kitchen space with a ton of kitchen supplies and food, it can get downright volatile. But we made it and we ate it and it was good. Missing out on the meat aspects didn't even feel like missing out.

Day 327: Five Hours

Five hours. It took five hour to travel a distance that normally only takes 3. Worse yet, the speed limit for most of the trip has been raised by five miles. Worse, worse yet the first big city, Temple, which is about an hour away from Austin, took 2 hours to reach. I was starving when the trip started. Five hours later my stomach was just an aching pit, where it is going to stay until tomorrow morning because I can not bear to fill up before falling asleep as that is always bad news for me.

I want to blame whoever didn't let us leave early. Whole teams were able to leave before we did and I was sitting around doodling for a good hour and a half before we finally got to leave at 5. It was the definition of ridiculous. It also prevented me from meeting a potential housemate. That is actually not bothering me as much right now because I am too tired to contemplate meeting people, but at the time I was pretty pissed off.

Now I am fighting to stay awake. My hair is wet, my clothes are in the washer and dryer...yeah, I think that is it. I am not processing that I am here very well. I will not be doing that shit again. I was in the middle of it and talking to mom on the phone and I told her I would have rather woken up crazy early, like 4 am, and drove in. I will do that for Christmas, and probably Sunday when I go back. I am not capable of braking that much and not wanting to shoot things and people and self.

Day 326: Pre-Thanksgiving Fuck Ups and Prospects

They moved us onto the floor today. I was really dumb to think we would all be sitting together still, but I did. The thing is - they bulk of them are still together, in easy access to one another. It is just me and that awkward guy to ourselves around the corner. Adjusting to the move and new alienation was made all the more difficult by my increasingly crap way of doing things. I say this and all the while do not know how to prevent the bad from happening. I am hoping this is the learning experience I didn't get in the first week because I was lucky and had cases that didn't challenge a lot of the more difficult stuff but...I don't know about that.

A part of it could be that our work week ends tomorrow and I am already thinking about making the drive home to mom and my sister. I was planning to just leave straight from work since it is up north and it would just make sense to leave from there instead of coming south only to head back north again. However, if we get out early I have made loose plans to meet a potential housemate. I know I was looking for my own place, but that is seeming less and less likely. If I wanted to look forever I suppose I would run into the perfect deal that combines good, below 45th street but above and away from university areas, location, affordable price, and non-shithole appearance, but I just am not that patient.

So I gave in a started looking at the shared living ads. I made a kind of silent agreement with myself that if I were to live with someone else it would be just that. One other person. I can deal with one person's faults a whole lot better than the combination of several, all grating on me in different ways. I already expressed my main worry with excessive noise, so it has been an upfront situation from the word "go". It's another one of those "we will see" situations. It is slightly further south, in reality just a mile or two away from where I am now, but a different neighborhood could make things feel new a productive, yeah?

Day 325: Pre-Thanksgiving Thanks and Givings and Non Givings

We are having a potluck tomorrow at work tomorrow, just between the group of us newbies. I knew I had all these vegetables still left over from the stew I finally made yesterday. I also knew that I once made a fairly edible dish back when we would have Glee nights over at the house, a cauliflower, mushroom, breadcrumb parmesan thing. So I just kind of winged it and 86ed the mushrooms since one of the girls doesn't like them and added zucchini, squash, and yukon potato.

I also doused everything in garlic butter perfection which was a major deviation from the recipe, but is a guaranteed yum fest. It looks promising that we are going to be let out early Wednesday so the next two days should be fairly nice. I am currently filled with the happiness frozen yogurt brings. Sandra and I went to our favorite fro-yo place down around campus. They had the ginger flavor she has been hollaring about for a good while now, so I had some of that and Pumpkin Spice and Cinnamon Apple Orchard. Put some graham cracker dust and Reese's Pieces.

And then, like with most things I have been trying to enjoy food wise as of late, the sharp pains of my back teeth chewing into anything minorly cold or hard made for odd, distracted eating. The right side is like a shockwave jolt upon cold contact. The left side a dull pain on candy coated shell crunch. I would go to the dentist but I did that already and they said it was teeth grinding. I am starting to doubt that. Haven't even had a headache like I normally do when my mouth hurts/probably actually was grinding my teeth. Bullshiiiit.

Day 324: Pinpricks

I have been having unusual spikes of anxiety today. Unusual in the sense that I have no idea what is triggering it. It came on around mid-afternoon while playing Sims with Sandra sitting next to me in bed. Inexplicable, and gained in strength until I closed the game to try to focus myself. At that point the theory was that I was anxious about wasting the day away with games. Then there was the veggie stew I had in the crockpot all day that I needed to eventually turn off and store it before going out for an old co-worker's birthday party.

Messing with the stew didn't work so then I figured it was anxiety about going to the birthday party, and my nerves seemed to support that the closer I got to the location. That went by fine though and now I am home with a full stomach and still some jitters. Perhaps it is the prospect of work tomorrow. I have noticed that the idea of the job makes me far more nervous than actually doing the job. I have had a few nights within the past week with brain draining dreams involving making certificates. I tend to do that when I am worried about errors.

I want to spend my time away from work pretending I know virtually nothing about that world. It makes the time off much more enjoyable when you don't think about all the cases that are going to carry over through the weekend. Things that would normally have me quite wary, like e-mailing and chatting with people I don't know, are becoming second nature. But when I think of them on the days off they are just intimidating and things I don't want to do. I am not sure what is the best way to go about this - disconnect or fully immerse.  

Day 323: Rehabilitating

I started watching The Inbetweeners today. One of the girls at work, the one who is a Whovian, suggested I should get on that so I did. I don't know how sold I am on it, but I do think it is pretty hilarious and I like the main actor, Simon who plays Will...not Simon who is played by Joe? I think that is his name. And their accents are all so pomp, quite different than most of the accents I have heard on other UK shows. Reminds me more of that Charlie guy from YouTube. I keep getting distracted by how old it is that they twenty-somethings can play awkward high schoolers so well. It shouldn't be that flawless.

I think peeling my almost week old nude fingernail polish may be the most productive thing I have started to do today (just started peeling a few minutes ago). I mean, I did actually ingest some food that was not in cracker form. I also aired up the tires on Brie's old bike and went for a bit of a ride around. I had convinced myself that it would be a leisurely ride, but I stilled ended up winded and weak by the end of it.

Sandra wanted to get drunk tonight but I nixed that. I am not about to fuck my stomach so quick. I would rather have a boring weekend. Actually, even without the stomach issues, I would like to have a boring weekend most of the time. She expressed a type of cabin fever issue and needing to make friends because she wants someone to go with her to late night jazz. Definitely not my bag on all accounts: jazz, late night, public places. I kind of like jazz sometimes, but all those other factors trump the "maybe" that is the possible enjoyment of the band she likes to go see.

Day 322: Humor and Rage

Dude at work was cracking me up like crazy today. We just click humor wise which I explained must be because we are both Sagittarius and thus awesome. It is nice to just mindlessly shoot the shit while doing these certificates, a sometimes fairly mind-numbing process. Sometimes I look across the room at the girls all chatting away and I feel a bit left out, but then Dude totally redeems my initial choice of seating by being on it like he was today.

I was rejoicing about something or another, proclaiming my brilliance, and checked myself with a "...and humble. I am humble." to which he didn't miss a beat, responding with "yes, what I enjoy most about you is your humility....and your immune system". How on point is that? I actually felt pretty good today though the little bit I would eat would cause some ping and pangs. My energy level has remained up, surprisingly since though I went to bed around 9 last night I didn't get to sleep until probably 11 because the couple decided to have not only people over but their dogs.

I woke from almost sleep to the beginnings of a chorus of dog and human howling and I still don't remember how I got from bed to door but I wrenched that sucker open and looked out at Kristie being a total inconsiderate cunt, howling her head off. I just stared, eyes still adjusting to the light. Then I went back to my bed, knocking my knee against something on the way (been paining the whole day now) and put my earbuds in to block out some of that shit. It doesn't take just noise to keep me awake. I can stay up from pure rage just as well.

Day 321: Vom

I don't think you can say you have really experienced life until you have held the contents of your stomach in your hands. Needless to say - I didn't make it through the night without getting sick. The hours were ticking by and I couldn't fall asleep for all the uncomfortableness, but I really needed to because I work an 8 to 5, Monday through Friday job and there are no sicks days for newbies. So I did the hovering thing but I didn't want to hover over the toilet because it hadn't been cleaned in ages. I hadn't vom'd in a sink for many years...like since I was a sickly child. It became a dual war, one of vom and one of receptacle.

I chose the sink which I regretted almost immediately. After three heaves I was starring at everything I had ingested that day. It wasn't pretty. And it wasn't diminishing. The sink has been pretty crap as of late but we drain-o'ed it the other day and it was going much better. Voming in the sink stopped that...literally. So I did the only thing I could think of. I put my hand in and scooped up a handful then tried to time it properly to cross the two feet to the toilet without making more of a mess.

That wasn't working too well so I went for help in the form of a tupperware container. First I had to wash my hands which proved difficult because of the oils or whatever was in my partially digested food. I tried to clean the tupperware after using it for vom transport, but I quickly nixed that and did an uncharacteristic thing by throwing it away. Even with the bulk of it transported the drain wasn't having it. After fixing it and cleaning everything, I finally went to sleep sometime after 12. And woke up at 4AM.

Day 320: Faulty Vessel

There has to be something wrong with me. Internally. In my stomach area. I thought I was over a bout of horrible internal fluid letting from yesterday. I ate some rice today and had veggie soup, no problem. I then went out with Sandra for some Kerby Lane, and I was really craving some fries so I ate all of them and saved my burger (minus two bites) for tomorrow. I also ate quite a few pieces of candy in a two hour span of time at work because it was there and we were confined to a small room with a movie playing.

Then there was a margarita at Kerby Lane and the fact that Sandra had me suck it down real quick toward the end there so we could get out a do something else before it got to late. Some time after that the pain started. We still played a full game of dominoes. I just felt really uncomfortable throughout and I almost threw up as I was spitting out my toothpaste. I would have just gone ahead and done it if it werent for the fact that I was indeed cleaning my teeth and mouth, and I hadn't spent money on the food I just ingested. So it is still there, stretching my abdomen, being all painful and such.

So now I am asking myself if I am just that stupid to think I could eat and drink like a normal person or if something is really fucked up with my digestion. And if so - why? I don't understand how vegetarianism could so severely mess with everything so I am hesitant to blame it on that. There is no other change that I can equate it to. I will have to research how common this is and what other people do, because I do not want to stop this way of eating- I don't even think about meat anymore. I will have to look that up...when I don't feel like a mostly liquid containing vessel.

Day 319: Quotas and Accuracy

Apparently I did really well yesterday at work. We came in today and were e-mailed our scores. I completed 11 certificates with over 91 percent accuracy. That one rejection screwed the pooch, but that's okay. I got a message from my Supervisor saying I did good and then later on in the morning he came by in person to say the same and explain that they were slow and I wouldn't be getting much today.

Which I didn't. After lunch I only worked on one cert. I asked for more, but the one I got was blank. Like there was only a signature block. It was bizarre. So that didn't go anywhere. I got one rejection and then a pseudo-rejection. That one occurred because the requester didn't know what they were talking about and even when I asked questions, I didn't get much of anywhere with it. So I just did what I figured would be right. The QCer didn't understand all that though so I had to defend some of my choices.

She didn't audit for that one, but it still kind of sucked to be expected to make sense of nonsense. In some respects, that is all that this job is, but there has to be a point. If you can't ask basic questions of the requester and get proper answers, then there is a flaw in that mode of operation.

Day 318: Internetless World

Written at 10:30pm on 11/14:

The internet is dying!!! That's what it feels like when you are leeching off a free unsecured supply. I am watching the mbps fluctuate every few seconds. I am reloading page over and over, seeing plenty of "Problem loading page" bars. Pretty much, every click is a chore. It is like moving through molasses and hitting some cement along the way.

It fucking blows. To distract ourselves from the tortuous ruin that is our favorite pastime, Sandra and I have started to play dominoes. I should say, we have played dominoes twice in two days now. I created my own version of Mexican Train (almost the legit way, I think, but I took some liberties) and Sandra got addicted to it pretty quick though she has yet to come close to winning. It is kind of fun nonetheless.

Ugh! Now I finally have a bit of luck and the internet is allowing me to watch a video but the speed being all sporadic makes my computer lag in a particularly delightful way. It makes a bluuurt sound that I have fondly equated to a fart. It is farting all over the place while I try to watch this ONE. SINGLE. VIDEO. If I disconnect from the internet for a moment, just long enough to watch the video, of course no more, it would play perfectly. But then I would be disconnected.

Day 317: Housing Hesitation

So I'm not sure if I am conducting an experiment in self-sabatoge or what, but I am hesitating about this studio apartment. I went with Sandra today to check it out and I don't know what I was expecting. I feel like I knew it wouldn't be a fancy place, it is cheap for a reason. But it had faux-wood floors and plenty of space for me. It also had a warped door and a pesky stove top. I could fix it up though...but is it worth it? I don't know. At this moment, typing it out, I feel like it isn't. But nothing else will be either. I mean, nothing that price range is going to be better placed than that place.

I tried to talk it out with dad and he tried to impress upon me that I shouldn't feel pressured to make a decision, but I do. I have to make up my mind quick before someone else takes it, because they will. Then I start thinking I am being a princess and I need to suck it up. The mere fact I feel hesitation makes me wonder if it's an intuitive thing. Maybe I am trying to warn myself. If something was meant to be, wouldn't I be more sure of it?

I'll sleep on it to be sure. Then there is that inkling anxiety about work tomorrow. We start the live-cases full on. We can pretty much take our time on them which is what I plan to do. I don't want to start dreading this stuff just because it is challenging. Watch, a few months from now it will be the opposite - I'll just be bored and it will all be old hat. The people make it good though. I like those kids for the most part. People who will collectively Wing Stop with me are people to believe in. One is a Whovian, so even better.

Day 316: Drugged up Saturday

I took a sick nap around 12 o'clock or so today. I woke up around 2 to the landlord calling out, asking if anyone was home, and the dogs flipping shit. I just tried to ignore it since I was naked, undercovers and sick. Also, the dude is the little bit eccentric enough to make conversation a challenging affair. Not something a sickly one wants to engage in. But he wasn't leavings, so I finally got up and put on my penguin pajamas and faced him. It ended up being for the best since I got to tell him about my plans to move out and he now knows what to expect.

This sickness is a traveling thing. It started in my throat and chest, then left the chest and was solely in the throat. I woke up this morning to find it painless to swallow but my nose was paining with every breath and my cough was a bit more raucous than before. Now as I type I have mouth/head pain and the nose thing. I also have taken some NyQuil so I am just waiting for the shit to come into force so I can pass out.

Had some laughs with Sandra tonight when we decided to listen to Eiffel 65 (the first cd I ever owned) and her dog got all kind of frisky with her arm, her back, her side, almost her head. It was hilarious. Who knew Europop was an aphrodisiac for dogs? We also listened to some 80s music because her insistence that she hates all things 80s is just to egregious to go unchallenged. We played Last Christmas by Wham and Sandra put on a mini lip sync of it, using my blow up Dragon Age II sword as a "candy cane". 

Day 315: Nasal Drip

Dripping, dropping sludge in my throat. I had to take the big test today with that annoyance wracking me the whole time. I had a serious fear that I skipped questions afterwards when everyone started chattering about a specific question as we were leaving for lunch. They laughed when I began freaking out that I couldn't remember it, but I was legit worried for a while there.

That was until I was able to spy my score from a distance of a few feet away. Grading near me is not a good idea. My eyes are too good for that shit. I didn't trust that I was seeing it right though. I thought I saw a ninty- four percentage but was more sure that I saw a 141 out of 150 fraction. I had my male buddy next to me do that math and it was aces from there.

That was until they made us take on our first live cases. I kept doing these slow, long exhales because must not have been breathing well or at all. I was flipping shit over every little thing I was doing. It was seven types of crazy and doing my head in a bit. Like my head was literally aching and my throat was raging and it was just a generally uncomfortable time. Why they couldn't have left us with the comforting thought that we knew what we were doing as was made evident by our tests- I don't know. I hope this new, unsure about everything feeling goes away quick because it is cramping my style.

Day 314: Sicky-Time Frank

I was trying to get comfy last night, laying down on my right side as I do, but it wasn't immediately comfortable. I had to kind of turn my night shirt around so it wasn't pulling at me and then I got hot and had to pull the covers away. Then just had to turn onto my back. I noticed I was a bit stuffed up but I figured it was the weather change and didn't think much more of it.

Then I woke up this morning (early again, around 6:30) and it didn't take long to realize the watery eye/urge to close my eyes thing from last night was still going strong. Then I noticed my chest felt congested and my throat was awfully scratchy. I got up a did everything I needed to just fine though. At work I began to feel a bit worse. I joked with the male trainee friend per usual and one of the girls gave me some DayQuil. I think that just made me droopy eyed or something because they were all cracking up when I talked.

I ate Bugles and a banana for lunch. It was pretty good. Had some awesome chocolate peanut butter cookies one of the other girls made, too. Then we had to do a mentoring session in which I watch someone in the team I am going to work with do the job. I tried hard to be present and alert. I worry that I didn't thank her before I left though. I hope I did. I kept thinking I was missing things or getting things wrong during the day, but I way actually pretty on point. Sickness may suit me.

Day 313: Ice Mining

I am way too tired for 8:30. There is no inbetween with me as of late. I am on it at work, functioning just fine. Then I get home and the energy dip is ridiculous. Today I took a shower first thing since it is fairly cold and I wanted my hair to dry before I fell asleep. It is currently in its crunchy to soft stage, undoubtedly more frizz than it should have been if the following events hadn't occured.

My mini-fridge stopped closing. The ice on the top part built up so much that it wouldn't allow the door to close completely. I had to get out my hammer and attack the huge block of ice that had formed, moving most of my produce out to do so. That's when I broke the glass. I forgot I had my standard drinking glass on top of the freezer so after a good five or ten minutes of thwaking away, the glass fell off a shattered. Trying to distinguish small pieces of ice from small pieces of glass was impossible. I had to get the vacuum and struggle with its odds and ends before finally managing to get most of the piece up.

All the while, the block of ice was slowly melting. Not quick enough as I still had to hammer away - this time with a make shift chisel (flat head screwdriver). That works significantly better. In the end I had to empty two large bowls of ice into the bushes outside. Never again. I was thinking while giving the ice hell that this could be a good stress reliever, but really...too tired to want to waste energy. The time change has made me out-of-wack. I wake up an hour early but want to go to sleep well before an hour earlier than I normally do.

Day 312: Pictionary

We played Pictionary today. I tried to explain that the mere mention of the game makes my anxiety ratchet up, but they didn't seem to understand. To try to convey to normal people that something that is suppose to be fun, a game, can actually be a source of stress, is hard to do without getting a lot of weird looks. Sure enough, my turn comes up and it was a travesty. I drew my clues okay, but they just wouldn't all come together and I was red faced as hell by the end of it.

That was just one embarrassment in a day full of guessing at the right thing to do. We were given a quick walk through of the last puzzle piece in the certificate creating process. Last, but definitely not insignificant. I kept trying to get my shit approved only to have it returned with notes I could not understand. Once I decoded it, I was ace, but it was a painful head desking process there for a bit.

We are really clicking as a group of friends, me and the three other girls in my trainee class and the one guy who I sit next to and it pretty on point humor wise. We say we are going out for lunch on Friday. I'm just wondering if it will actually happen. It is hard to make plans like that with so many people and their personalities involved. While we all click, it is like everyone else in the building are aliens. I was kind of shocked today when one of the girls greeted someone from outside our training class, but apparently it was the gal who is going to be her supervisor. She was real chill and normal, not imposing at all, and was all agog of my curls.

Day 311: Groceries and Living Arrangements

I have an amazing ability to get overwhelmed at stores and forget important things. I don't do the list thing, I just try to go through the store slowly, checking out everything thoroughly. Problem is people make me anxious and people on my ass as I am looking at something in an aisle makes it impossible for me to think about what I may want or need. So there was a lot of going back and forth on today's shopping excursion. I still forgot some pretty basic things, but I will just hit up HEB tomorrow since I did the Central Market rounds today.

I am looking into other places to live. I want my own place, devoid of loud laughter, barking dogs, and messy people. I want my solitude. But I also don't want to spend an exorbitant amount of money to be on my own, so that makes it a bit difficult. I will have to make some sacrifices, no doubt. Perhaps I will have to go to a laundromat. Or move more north than I'd rather (really don't want to budge on that one). I do know that there is a lease sitting in the living room that I have yet to sign because I have been on the edge of this for a while now. The push is the new job and income that could make a move possible.

Dad was kind of giving shit about it in his noncommittal way. He said he never figured me as the type to get spend more money when I could save it, and while that is true and I would love to save this additional money, I have wanted to live by myself since I decided I would be leaving my mother's place a year ago. It is a move that needs to be made regardless of the missed savings, unfortunately. My sanity and daily happiness will be greatly increased. I will miss living in a house, though.

Day 310: Noisy Ecstacy and Giving Up

I don't like hearing my housemates have sex. And yet, I keep on having to hear it. A few minutes ago Kristie was all yelling out in ecstasy, once again, and I had to wait for that to pass by before I could resume what I was watching. You just can't ignore that type of shit. Also once again - it is only her shouting out, not a peep from Ran. She just repeated the same "OHMYGOD" a dozen or so times. I don't get that either. Maybe I come off as as much of an idiot as Karl Pilkington when I say this but, why is that necessary?

You could just as easily say nothing at all, right? Like, that doesn't inhibit the pleasure. It surely is not vital information, definitely not deserving of repetition. Call me a naive virgin, but it seems a bit much. I know I have written about it before, but that just happened, so I felt the need to reiterate.

On another note, I think I am giving up NaNoWriMo. I have zero passion in continuing writing on what I have. I need to majorly rework the story before I do something as intensive as a month long writing thing. I thought it would just flow after the first scene, but it isn't really flowing, and I am not really interested in the overall story. I could continue just to get something down, and in a way that is tempting just so I can have something to mine for good bits, but I am also starting a new job and wanting to relax when I am not soaking in a lot of new information that makes my brain hurt. So...next year? Or later on when I start getting bored and have the brain energy to dedicate to it.

Day 309: Duvet

Whoo-e. It was a mixed emotion day. I woke up early and did my volunteer thing. Didn't have any problem folding and arranging men pants for two hours. Though, I found I have no idea what the difference between women and men pants are...I just don't shop enough. So there were probably some womens mixed in. Oh well. I felt energized by the time I left (after needing assistance from a police officer to get an EMS vehicle to move so it wasn't blocking me...awkward) but I ended up just going home a shivering in bed.

It was cold in the house and no amount of bundling up was working so I finally gave in a changed out my comforters. There is something about changing the bedding that makes the season change real. But now here I am with a warmer night and a heavy down duvet. Hope I don't have to turn on the fan. So I was cozy and watching television and debating whether I should contact someone or not. Then I was sure I would but I was hesitating. Then he signed off and I couldn't. So I watched more television. Then he got back on and before I could convince myself to say anything, he did.

I was going to bed last night, wondering what to do. It's almost been a year since we last spoke and yet he has been floating around in my mind hard core as of late. I've tried reasoning with myself. I've tried warding him away with the power of thought, picturing all memory of him being tossed into the ether to never return. Nothing worked. So I felt pretty good with a conclusion I came to as I was falling asleep. I can't quite remember what it was, but I'm sure it was something associated with the fact that he isn't leaving anyway, so why not check in, in a controlled way as not to be a detriment to myself. I feel pretty good about it, all in all. It's another one of those we will have to see about.

Day 308: Candy Jar, Abdominal Pain, Community Service

A candy jar and community cake had made this day kind of shit eating wise. I did at least have a decent healthy lunch of stuffed eggplant and zucchini before I ate a piece of cake someone put out. It was apparently from Halloween and the icing on it was making all our mouths black. Still tasted pretty good though. Then the candy...oh the candy. It was like Bookkeeping but worse because the work was easy enough to walk away from and the candy was so plentiful.

Something may be wrong with my abdomen. It is still aching since Sunday night. It isn't as severe but it is more all over now, still mainly on the right side though. Nothing else is wrong though. My energy is good considering the new work schedule and my appetite is obviously, fairly regular. I found our health insurance kicks in a month in so I suppose I will just wait til then. Hopefully it will be gone by then but we shall see.

I turned off my alarm this morning, so excited that I would get to sleep in the next two days. Then I remembered I signed up to help with a homeless convention thing tomorrow morning. I was unemployed and feeling particularly useless so of course signing up to do something many weeks away is the way to go. I did have the sense to avoid crowds, as per my own set preferences, and signed up for set up when surely not many people would be there. Set up starts at 7AM. So I will be waking up earlier than I have all week. Way to go. For a good cause.

Day 307: Wichita in Texas

I don't know what is going on with people at the new job, but every time I've been asked where I am from and I respond, "Wichita Falls", it's like their brains stop at "Wichita" and or they think I add an addition word or something. Today was the funniest though with the HR guy asking me if I have had a winter here and that it would change my mind about going back "north". I totally didn't understand what he meant but I said something about how the weather is much the same since WF is still in Texas.

Then it clicked and I kind of turned to look at my fellow classmates and they are all a'smirk about it. When we had our break they were ragging about it, really getting giddy about how much it is happening. But then one of them asked if WF was in the panhandle an I just lost faith in Southern Texans altogether. One of them thought my reaction to their ignorance was particularly amusing as I was acting like they were uncultured for no knowing about a small city up state. I thought that seemed rather amusing myself.

It wasn't such a good day in terms of getting all the material. We really only worked on examples all day but I would miss something or another on each one and it was cold and I had to bundle up with my legs to my chest which made me sleepy...lalala, whine. I also didn't write anything today. I got home, took a shower, and gave in to Thursday night television. I am not going to kill myself to write something that isn't even going to hit the per day word limit. I will make an effort to write throughout the month and get a good chunk of something down though.