Day 365: New Years Eve

Alright, this is it! The last day of the year! And I have been spending it mostly laying in bed watching a ton of movies. I started early this morning with Another Planet and Attack the Block. Then after running some errands and getting lunch with Hels, I came home and watched In Time and Source Code. Then some television. Now I am watching Anderson Cooper and Kathy Griffin waiting for midnight so I can go to bed without feeling like a loser even though I could easily go to sleep right now.

Hels really wanted me at her place tonight, but I just wasn't feeling like getting dressed again and meeting unknowns. I'm sure it would have been fine and social and New Year Eve-y, but I would rather not. Nor did I go out with Nate and the gang. I can hear fireworks popping off in the distance but none of the activity really bothers me. Too tired to wish I was out living it up. Contrasting this New Years Eve with last years, I did really good last year getting out of my comfort zone. Unfortunately/fortunately (depending on how you look at it) that type of behavior doesn't stick on a homebody-loner like me.

Well, here's to all I did achieve and have stick in this year. I never picked out a challenge for the next year so I guess I will just take a break on those for a bit. Oh look...New Years in New York...awesome. Now another hour for us. Who knows what the next year will bring, perhaps some more significant changes than this one did? It is cool that I now have this record of my 23rd year. Don't imagine I will be reading it anytime soon, though.

Day 364: Cyclical

Second to last day! My finger injury is in that great puckering stage that makes for perfect fidgeting - swirling my fingertip around the pinkish new flesh like a nervous tic. I am being duplicitous in my actions versus reasoning...or at the very least, I was not realizing that what I was fishing for would lead to something I wouldn't want until today when it became glaringly obvious. When you say you wouldn't want an unavailable guy to show interest in you as it would be an immediate deal breaker, it is probably not a good idea to bring up a possible attraction to third parties.

So that plus the return of the old non-flame non-relationship non-everything will make this new year especially...colorful. I just hope I can steer clear of anything that would compromise my integrity and that I can maintain my sanity. Yes. Sanity would be good.

In the past year I have gone from bored to miserable to slightly interested, but that was only in terms of my mental enjoyment. Of course, my living/life experience hasn't really developed and I am in the same place I was this time last year in terms of moving and hoping a refresh will boost some emotional satisfaction into my life. I am hopeful loneliness (alone, but not actually lonely) will do me good and I will have less money but more self-sufficiency which is one thing I am more than ready for.

Day 363: After Hours

I wasn't hungry today. However, that didn't stop, and hasn't stopped, my stomach from panging. I did eat a bit just to quell the pains, but nothing really sounds appetizing. Kind of unusual for me. I'm sure tomorrow will bring about proper hunger again. It feel like I haven't had a day off in forever, but that is only because I haven't had a day of laying around aimlessly in forever. Saturday wont cure that surely. I should use it to pack what I can before this next week brings its crazy.

I have the slowest healing body apparently with this wicked scrape on the knuckle of my right ring finger still resembling a crater. I had scraped it on the screen door while exiting the house before 5am last Saturday as I was getting everything in the car to head home. Almost a week later and it is still a rigid, redish flesh-less void that makes a fist a hard task. What if I need to punch someone?! Instead of punching and fist making, I taught Ash how to play Gloom and we played with Sandra during the lunch and then a round on our own. I got beaten by a newbie, but that is no surprise. As much as I love the game, I haven't worked out the best way to play it or how to win. Ever.

Except tonight. I did win a round against Sandra. These evenings of doms and/or card games will be missed but I will get a lot more relaxing time in without a buddy around to make the time feel like it is going fast. I hate these after work hours feeling like a short blip in a sea of long lines. Not enjoying nothing enough. I changed up the work day today by listening to stand up, starting with the one album of Louis C.K.'s on Spotify and spending the rest of the day listening to Patton Oswald. It is difficult to restrain laughter and focus on reading contracts, that's for sure.

Day 362: Like Dominoes

I seriously need to be a case study in how to waste an evening after work. I started the day watch the first thirty minutes or so of a one hour, thirty minute plus show yearly game show from the UK. I just now finished it. At 10:15pm. In between 7:00am and now I have been at work until 5pm. After that I have no real understanding of where the time went. I cooked some food...then it was 8pm suddenly and someone was here to look at the place and my room and talk with my roommates.

I bathed. I watched some more of the show. I got distracted my that one dude who kind of isn't and is in my mind at times and sometimes apparently even in my life when he chooses. Who is currently distracting me as I write this with talk of Adventure Time. One of my television loves at the moment. The housemates did seem to click with this girl who visited today and it seems she will be the one who is taking my room. Now it is up to me to get into my place (no key) and get my stuff in there (no vehicle to move my mattress, the only big thing I have) sooner than later as the new girl is anxious to get out of the place she is in.

I can only do so much as I can't control what the other parties choose to disclose. I have seen that thus far everything has worked out. Even though Kristie asked the owner of the house is my deposit could be used as rent because I was leaving without a months notice (real bitch move), he told us today that it could not be used that way (as I expected and communicated to her on the spot). These last planning steps should fall into place just as easily and then it is just the grunt work to get through. Then relaxation and gaming and television watching in the comfort of my own place. Quiet nights and quiet morning. Total darkness. Nice!

Day 361: Dangerous

Things are getting a bit complex at the work place. I have never gotten along with a group of people as quick and as strongly as I have these four: Ash, Hels, Les, and Greg. But it isn't an equal closeness for sure. My relationship with Ash and Greg stronger than my relationship with Hels and hers a bit stronger than my relationship with Les even though we work on the same team. When the work is solo and you are at the same level of experience, being in the same team doesn't really come into play in terms of interactions.

Keeping that in mind, I somehow did not realize that within the group there would be varying strengths of relationships. As in, Ash and Greg are also fairly close...and apparently share what I tell the other. Even though it is just jokes that I make and nothing terribly serious, I noticed I was becoming a little annoyed because it just felt kind of unnecessary. It started with Spotify and me downloading it to join the others in showing what we were streaming. I saw Ash was listening to a song with a title that made me think it was a sad-ish/angsty romantic song. On impulse I had the thought "How could she relate to that song when she is married to the person she thinks she will be with forever"?

I decided to share with her the thought though I prefaced it with a caution that it may make me sound like a dick, but it was just the first thought I had. She said she still related to the songs...or that she liked them just fine and we moved on. Later I was chatting with Greg on messenger and we made a joke about "Holla" being a virus - I bumped it to Herpes Simplex Type 1. He thought it was gross - I thought it was accurate. What I wasn't aware of was Greg then going to Ash to share the virus joke and her countering with "Keep in mind: this is coming from a girl who thinks people in relationships cant listen to sad songs".

Which is exactly was Greg then came at me with in a pseudo/genuine joking/serious way. I explained what I meant and he expressed that he understood but didn't agree. I had to let him know that it wasn't something to agree or disagree about, but rather just a random thought that had no baring on opinion or fact. That's when the annoyance started and it continued as we went to break and were joking about them talking about me and I was pseudo/genuine joking/seriously annoyed.

Toward the end of the day as I was actually working on something (slow day), Greg messages me "You know we think you are awesome, right"? Ugh, dumb grin all over my face. I fumbled for a proper response, "Do you think I am upset?" "I worry." "Don't." Then he reiterated that they thought I was cool. "Noted. Shared. Thanks!"

Day 360: Co-Habitation

Hiding a butter dish isn't a good indicator of adaptability. Kristie put Sandra's butter dish, a ceramic thing featuring a mouse, in the microwave. When Sandra went to put in her cocoa she noticed it. And was promptly amused and simultaneously annoyed. I didn't have to ask her to confirm these emotions as they were evident in her giggling interrogation of Kristie. They wonder why we don't feel comfortable in the house. She has been here the longest, but there isn't a seniority rule in living arrangements.

That happened before we left for the holiday. Today we had two guys look at the place. It took as much time meeting them (I wasn't really part of that as I 1.did not care 2.did not care because it doesn't affect me 3.it doesn't affect me) as it did reviewing them amongst themselves (I was a part of that, inexplicably and unnecessarily). It seems promising that they will find someone else just fine. Now I just have to figure my own shit out since the girl I am taking the lease over from isn't back in town til the 3rd and I have no way to enter the apartment.

I left several pounds of kitchen appliances in my trunk. If anyone were to desire to steal my car, they would hit the culinary jackpot once they popped the boot. I was worried about the microwave weighting down the back of the vehicle, but I think and hope it will remain good as I don't really have a place to put it until everything is sorted moving-wise. I woke up and googled renting trucks first thing as that is the type of waking up material I like to ease into the day with. Needless to say, I am still easy to incite anxiety even when at home with people who love me and help me forget the worries of adult-dom.

Day 359: Christmas Success

Written at 10:45pm on 12/25:

It was good. It was a good holiday. The presents were more evently spread than ever. Usually there is a huge disparity between what my sister and I reveive and what our mothers gets for us which makes no sense since there are two of us and one of her. It makes more sense if you know out mother and how difficult it is to buy her anything. The cook ware I received should help me in the new place. I I ever get there.

The day was spent in general lounging fashion - pajamas were a common garb of choice and snacking was prevalent. Mom worked most of the day on what would be our dinner, and while it was good, I would have rather had her lounging with the rest of us. We didn't even get to have her cake because we were full up until now when we are both too exhausted to want to eat anything else. Mom is still in the kitchen cleaning. Don't know how she can do it.

We got her to stop cooking for one episode of Once Upon A Time that she hadn't seen, but we had to stop halfway to eat the food. Enila got caught up on the show and joined me in mourning the unnecessary death of the finest sheriff I ever did see. Timothy Olyphant in Deadwood makes a close second. If he looked like he does in Justified - he would win. Just realized I haven't watched Justified since its first season. Should correct that wrong soon.

Day 358: Too Sleepy For A Title (Apparently)

The fire is crackling. So is the animatronic blonde headed angel. We have had that thing since I was a baby, mom reminds me, and that is apparently reason enough to plug it in every year so we can hear the dulcet tones that are buzzing mechanisms. It kind of erks me that the figure is blonde when we were all brunettes in the family. Shouldn't we have an angel that represents us?!

I fixed my sister's computer after arriving around 7:30am. These people, my mother and sister, are not very good at do-it-yourself things - that has always fallen to me to take care of. It was an easy fix to reset everything to factory settings but mom dubbed me a genius none-the-less. Genius would have been finding out how to eliminate the virus Enila somehow acquired in the first place. I took the easy way.

Sleep came for a few hours but not long enough. I took a muscle relaxer after I curled up in my sister's computer chair in a way that pinched a nerve in my ass/leg area. That made it so the little nap I had felt like it could go on forever. May be an early night so I can be a bit more functional in the morning. It has been a good day, minus the three hour drive, for not thinking about all the crap going on. Actually relaxing.

Day 357: Flexible

If I wasn't utterly exhausted from all the bullshit the vom'ed up today, I would hash it all out here. But because I am utterly exhausted, I am going to just say that people are illogical and dumb. Worse than that - they are vindictive and selfish then expect you to be anything but. I will play the game until I am out of here in a few weeks though I am starting to understand that nothing about this process is going to be easy or clean cut. The first of the month - the first of the year means nothing in terms of what is actually going to occur.

Work was nice at least. I had my group of pals back me, with Ash being significantly astute and helpful. Greg was humorous and on point as usual, Hels was blunt and encouraging, Les goofy and giving. Then there was the boredom of the day that enabled my team mates to get to know me and me then. That was a lot of fun and I wasn't as bummed out about not being able to leave early in the end. I can see me getting along with the group just fine though I found out I was mocking one of their roommates. Well - it was nothing I wouldn't say to their face.

I will wake up early tomorrow and head home to my mother and sister for the holiday. By early I mean 5am. I don't want to have to deal with traffic and assholes. I have had enough of that for awhile. Maybe I can relax a bit of the next 48 hours plus - then come back to this crap and try and decode what needs to get done and how. Just the vague thought of it makes my stomach turn. I was so hopeful the first would be the beginning of something beautiful and to think it is so close. Now it is more flexible than all that and money must be a flexible as the time. I don't subscribe to such nonsense.

Day 356: The Sea of Deadlines and Me

I would not suggest that anyone should talk to me with any kind of hostility when I am as anxious as I have been as of late. I went to work and from work to a store, veering away from the mainline of traffic in the process when ended up being for the best, got what I needed and then headed down south to make it in time to see The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. Pretty good effort, I have to say. I was surprised I liked it as much as I did. The opening theme sequence is kind of unreal. Unreally good, that is.

So it has just been one thing after another - no moments of rest - even lunch was a rushed thing with Hels and I trying out a Mediterranean restaurant she had been told about. It was really good actually, but an hour isn't a lot of time to enjoy everything and travel back and forth from work. It just creates another deadline in a sea of neverending deadlines that has become my life. I haven't packed anything or wrapped anything. Even if I get out from work early tomorrow, I wouldn't be ready to go and would have to rush and throw shit together. Also, I need to give a check to the person whose lease I am taking over. Another thing to try to tetris into alignment.

I was getting ready to sign the document that would move the lease over into my name when I stopped to chat with Sandra and through that chat in which I expressed my stress over many things but mainly the finding someone to take over my room situation, she made me realize that none of them seemed to understand that I would be gone before the next month's rent. I had to fix that shit right then and there. I went out into the living room where on Ran was sitting. He told me Kristie went upstairs to shower. I decided to just tell him the reality of the situation.

I thought I was being pretty nice about it. Explaining that they seem to want something different or more specific than what my ad presented so I needed him to tell me it was not my responsibility as I am not going to end up paying on the first of the month because they don't like what my ad brings. This dude it passive as fuck so when he said "so...you are giving us one week and two days to find someone..." I kind of lost my shit.

I laid it out that I had let them know every step of the way what was going on from me starting to look for places, to finding one, to post the ad that I posted at the beginning of the week. Which was two weeks before I would be gone. Not ideal in terms of advanced notice, but I already had someone interested and they were choosing to be judgmental before even meeting the person. We had options my way - they just didn't want to pursue them so I told him to "figure it out". I was a flat out bitch about it and I only feel a fraction bad about it because it is like yelling at a child - a mumbling, dull child. It isn't in my nature to leave people inconvenienced and not give a damn, but he sure helped push me in that direction.

Day 355: Early Day/Stress Relief

I had some delusion about the day. I figured getting off at 2 would enable me to relax a bit, not do the irregular breathing bit, and when I got off I could enjoy about an hour to eat or what have you before heading to my doctor's appointment. Yeah...Instead I got onslaught with cases and slowly starved myself, allowing myself to eat some chocolate and cookies while working on cases then in that hour of free time I decided I would just wait to eat after my appointment.

So by the time I finally got home I was all kinds of weak and hungry. I ordered a pizza online and went to pick it up. Usually I am not one to eat in the car, especially when the house is just down the street a ways. I hesitated the first mile or so before relenting, opening up the box and taking a slice. I then proceeded to eat half the large pizza as I got home and in bed. Eating pizza that is still in the box in bed...watching some stand up comedy. Wow, this is my life. It was damn good pizza too. Even with as much as I ate and the slices Sandra later ate, I have three left to eat for lunch tomorrow. That is a good deal.

It is a good thing it is Thursday tomorrow because in the tension in my body makes it feel like my spine is going to snap in half. I have to consciously relax my body as I am doing regular (and regularly stress-less) like driving. I can feel the tension eek out for just a moment then I tense up again once I stop focusing on it. I am sure that is another reason why my bad knee is acting up. It is all kinds of rigid this evening and while it is raining again, none of my other bad spots (two previously fractured fingers) are aching. Doms and some Flower gameplay help relieve the stress a bit.

Day 354: Real-Time Life

Wrapping still hasn't gotten done. Instead I spend my precious hours away from work and before sleep and when I am not eating or showering - reading. I finally caught up on a blog I was introduced to before our internet went down at the end of November. I feel like I just finished reading a book, when the story sticks with you afterward even though this is real life and real time now that I am up-to-date. I guess because I just went through almost four years of life with these "characters" (real people), I got a little attached.

I also realized I needed to hurry and catch up as it was taking up a lot of my freetime. I didn't play my PS3 at all this weekend because it was just television and this blog. Crazy shit. Makes me worry about my priorities. Though I must indulge in anything that keep my mind of the worries work can bring. I realized today (? maybe yesterday) when I exhaled in a load and slow-seeping kind of way that had my neighbor giving me a look, that I need to calm my shit. I am not breathing right, my body is all tensed. I got an audit from QC that was something I actually did correctly so I had to get all ruffled about that and make the moves to get them to fix it.

I will leave early tomorrow for a doctor's appointment so maybe that will allow me to mellow a bit - the promise of an early day. I don't think I am fucking anything royally up but it is just a world of a lot of different things going on that you must be aware and on top of and that gets my anxiety a-flowing. I haven't had a private thought I feel in weeks. Haven't contemplated what my next challenge should be and we are less than two weeks away from the New Year. I guess I could just live life like a normal person, without self-imposed obstacles-meant-to-beget-creativity. But why would I want to be boring?

Day 353: Numb Ramble

So it looks like I will be moving. Kind of happened fast. It is interesting that a year ago I was in the same position - a week before Christmas finding a place and locking it down, in wait to move the week after the holiday. I posted a Craigslist add for the first time ever tonight as well. That was made difficult by my mild...highness. The rainy weather caused by bad knee to pain so when I got home and looked at my bedside table I had Ibuprofen and Hydrocodone to choose from. Guess which I picked.

A few hours later, after eating and playing a game of dominoes, that shit was really kicking in and that is when I decided I would try to write a coherent and enticing ad for the masses. I am having the same issue typing this. It's been an hour...I think since I started writing this. I have had a medium size dog sit on me, shedding his doggie hair. I have had to go outside to persuade the same dog to come inside from the rain. Bitches be wanting to play outside in the dark and get wet. What the hell? I have been distracted with internet readings and phone games.

But here I am now typing my writing bits for the day. The day wasn't all that eventful minus the progression with the moving situation. I needed to wrap the presents I got for my sister and mom but I played doms with Sandra instead. Priorities, people. It will get done before the end of the week, I have no doubt. I think I have caught up on everything, or nearly so, and my freetime can be dedicated to other things...like playing PS3...or wrapping gifts I suppose. Still several days to go before I leave town.

Day 352: Incest in Fiction

Just finished the season finale of Dexter. What is up with the incest, for real?! I....I was about to write that I normally don't have a problem with incest, but let me elaborate on that instead of going straight on to why I am creeped out by the storyline on this show. Okay, so one bit of fiction that has done incest "right" I felt was Angel Sanctuary. I remember back in the day...haha! if 2001-2003 can be back in the day, I really felt for the main character of that story and that he was in love with his sister and that it was mutual and forbidden for obvious reasons by their parents. Their love for each other transcended the lives they were living, since it is a story about reincarnations and angels, it just made sense in the world that was created.

I was inspired by that story and the ability to make something controversial seem real and even give a measure of acceptance to it - so I made that one of the central conflicts in my own story. The incest in my own story, like Angel Sanctuary, was between a brother and sister that were separately raise, or nearly so. In AS the siblings are literally raised away from one another - my characters are raised together but age difference and personality clashes keep them from being close. You can't have kids who are raised together and are close end up together. That is the issue I am having with this new storyline in Dexter. It may seem like splitting hairs, but I seriously think it makes all the difference in the ability to accept those kind of feelings.

It probably also helps that in AS it is established from the beginning that Setsuna has feelings for his sister and he is pretty torn up about it. I can't speak to how accepting an audience is toward the way I have portrayed my storyline as it is the one I have failed to write because, aside from that plot line which is pretty strong, the rest resemble wet noodles. It was painful - hilarious that is - watching some of the scenes tonight. Just so awkward and unnecessary, Deb analyzing Dexter "staring" at her and touching him while he is half-shirtless. Ugh....no. Stop it!

Day 351: Plans and Productivity

I hate shopping. I also hate being woken up by housemates telling me I need to move my car from the driveway because roofers who have not been coming the whole week decide to arrive before 8 on all our collective day off. It's no wonder I felt too tired to go hang out with people tonight. After shopping through the morning, I retreated home to do some laundry and start the long catching up on television process. It is some 8 plus hours later and I have caught up on two shows, almost three if I don't fall asleep before the next one and a half episodes of Dexter.

Then tomorrow I must go out to continue some minor shopping, hopefully that will be the end of it, and then a gloriously planless day awaits me. I am not made to be always on the run. I don't like having plans that roll onto the next and the one after that. I may need to touch up the haircut I gave myself the other day. It seems I may have cut too many of the curls close to my face too short in relation to each other. I am kind of hesitant to mess with it though in case I royally fuck with my hair, the slowest grower in the name of hair. Luckily, curly hair is pretty forgiving and length can be all over the place and still not be noticeable to the layman. However, it can make the overall look a bit wonky.

Even though the Couple cleaned their dishes, I still dragged my feet to prepare some meals today. I only ate one can of garbanzo beans and then some alfredo coated bow tie pasta. Now, almost 11pm, my stomach is all hollow but hells if I am going to eat that late. I mean, I am laying down typing this in the dark so no- food can wait until tomorrow. See, this is what I mean. I don't like even my body trying to tell me what to do and when! I do what I want! I eat what I want! And I go to bed hungry when I want! Holla!

Day 350: How to Make Friends

I was a special breed of dumbass today. I don't know why or how it came to be, perhaps it was the stress of being in a new position, the alienation from my friend, or just my brain giving an "enough!" to sense and reason and shutting down. First I called the pregnant one in our gang by the wrong name. Twice. In front of everyone in our new group. When she questioned me after the second time and I realized in that moment what I said, flushing a hot, hot red, made hotter by the rippling of laughter behind me, I knew I was fucked in terms of leaving that moment behind.

When I do something legit. embarrassing, I can live on that embarrassment for a long time. There are things from several years ago that I can still remember can get proper red-faced about. But I tried to apologize, tried to joke about it, anything to alleviate the burn. It was totally ridiculous because of course I know her name. I have been saying it for the past month plus.

I really won it while exiting for the day though. Now that us newbies are all separated and into our respective groups, everyone but me and the pregnant one work the shift that begins and end and hour later. So as I was on my way to the door, I walked through an area filled with people I do not know. I see in the middle distance, some 10 feet away or so, two of my buds, Ash and Greg. I decide on impulse to say goodbye to them and utter "Bye, losers!", simultaneously realizing that the losers I want to hear me are not the losers who are listening. Suddenly it is a chatter of "what!?" and me explaining who I was talking to and then the pregnant one, Les, is explaining that I call the ones I was intending to say goodbye to - losers as an endearment, and this other dude stranger is telling me "I don't even know you, you can leave!" in a mock (hope it was mock) angry way.

Seriously. I'm an asshole.

Day 349: The Group, The Individual, The Couple, and The Non-Entity

Everything has been so frantic as of late. Or I suppose that is just how I feel when I have a lot of things going on a limited relaxing time. I woke up with emails I couldn't read through my phone. No reason for it - just blank emails and from two different people so I knew it was a phone glitch of some kind. So then I had to boot up the computer to see what was being said and respond before going to work. I thought I pushed send on the email to meet after work to see a place, but it was a good thing I got stuck in traffic and messaged the girl because she never got my email. I shut the computer down without pushing "send". Moron.

Work itself went by pretty quick, as it does when you spend so much time on each case. I probably only issued about 8 in the whole day. I was able to take a slightly later lunch to coordinate with Ash's slightly early lunch. Only scant appearances from my other buds throughout the day. Ash and I discussed how we arent the types to invite each other to hang out outside of work though we like each other fine enough. Hels has invited us to a party she is having on Saturday. The male bud, Greg, admitted he that it may not be a good idea for him to go because his girlfriend may get angry. Needless to say that made me go off on a rant about relationships and insecure people.

One thing I have noticed as of late is that I am not thinking about that-one-that-is-to-be-unmentioned. Too much going on, too many people and things happening to really focus on someone who isn't even around. Maybe when he moves back here and we talk every once in a while or whatever it becomes, that will change, but really I feel good the way it is now. I am not even bothered by the thought he isn't online. It's the holidays and he is undoubtedly with the family having a good time before choosing to start the school grind again. Ugh, why bother is what I say.

Day 348: The Limited Outside

I cut my own hair today. I don't know why I don't just always do that. I don't think I got all the dry, bad ends, but I got enough to make cleaning my hair less hair-ball creating. I also gave it a little bit of shape that I wont know the full effect of until my hair dries (I cut it dry, of course, but the humidity and the part in my hair is a bit different than I normally wear it). I'm sure it wont be a tragedy, regardless.

We graduated out onto the floor today. After lunch, catered and fancy with turkey I didn't eat and all the sides, they had moved our shit. I was legit sad about moving away from my buds. It didn't help that it was a shit day of certificate making. So I could now do the job without everything quality checked to hell and back, but then they decided to give me all these cases from this one client that takes for-ev-er to do anything for because you have to read a lot of contracts. It sucks a lot and they shouldn't make it so you do more than three a day or you will want to slit your wrists by the end of the day which is the point I was getting to.

Now I can see what my work life is going to be. Not really excited about it the way it stands right now. My friends are all going to a different schedule, minus the pregnant one who is in my group. The carpet directly under my cubicle is stained and smells. There is a window, with a view of the sky and a pretty fall-affected tree, but as I was looking out - enjoying that view - I was told it was rarely open because the glare that sunshine would cause on the monitors. It was a cloudy day and that was the only reason I was allowed to see the limited outside. 

Day 347: Flowers and Awks

"I'll tell you if I am up to watching some Flower...after I play with my flower" with hand gestures. Sandra things she is funny. After having a conversation about masturbation...as you do when you are two grown adults who are living sexless lives, she had to exit the room with that parting phrase. Now I don't even know if I want to play Flower. Haha, no, I always want to play Flower because it is prettiful and I can now play it from the comfort of my bed. It looks pretty damn good on my monitor considering it isn't as high quality as I would want it to be. But once again, I must compromise quality for frugality.

So it has been two days since Sandra started working at the same place that I do. I was worried that the dynamic with my pals would change with the introduction of someone new to them, old to me, and someone new to the environment and therefore in a vulnerable position. The thing is, we are still the new kids in many ways. I sure as hell don't know the bulk of the people in the office, so for me to be explaining the inner workings of anything to anyone is a bit ridic. But you get kicked out of the nest real quick here. Today should have been our last day of training. I wont know until tomorrow how it all ends up though. They are also feeding us tomorrow which is one less thing for me to worry about in the morning as I made...nothing.

I may have been caught in a plot today. One of the girls, Hels, she has a housemate I have met in passing a few times. He commented to her offhand that I seemed like someone who took no shit. I thought that was amusing since I surely didn't say anything in front of him that would make him think that. For some reason Hels, Ash and I brought him up and when Ash mentioned that he was cute, I went ahead an agreed. Now I should have known better - Ash is married and Hels pretty much...and she is best friends with the dude...so I should have kept quiet. But because I didn't, they got all excited and started chattering about hook up and yoga (dude teaches yoga) and hot-face-making stuff. It was the Awks. 

Day 346: Post Party Breakfast and Movies

Written at 9pm on 12/12

...I woke up for good around 10 and Lily followed suit shortly after. We were hungry from the get go and wondering where the boys who went to bed so early were. We decided to clean up the kitchen in preparation of cooking as we are both the type that likes everything in its place before starting a cooking project.

Nate woke up while were in the middle of handwashing the fluted glasses and told us to just put them in the dishwasher, against our better judgment. But we did so and things cleaned up much quicker thereafter. Then Nate's boyfriend Sal made us amazing blueberry pancakes and Nate made some scramble eggs to go with, offering mimosas which I passed on (how do these people drink all day, every day?) and we started the first of three very different movies. Paris Is Burning.

Then we watched Strictly Ballroom because none of them had seen it and it is one of my favorites. I made the red velvet cupcakes as they watched but joined them in the last third as I couldn't resist. Then we went with the Australian theme am watched Muriel's Wedding. Very interesting, not what I was expecting. By then it was 4 and we all kind of naturally departed. At that point I was pretty surprised I was still upright with the lack of sleep I had. Lily had it was worse but none of us fell asleep during the movies. I was feeling the sleepiness today though, at work and curled up in my chair.

Day 345: Cheese, Champagne, Revelry

Written at 11pm on 12/11

Last night was crazy. Started with three glasses of champagne at Apothecary with a bunch of strangers plus the birthday girl, Lily. I did pretty well I think at mingling and making small talk with the others. I was pretty tipsy by the first glass because I hadn't eaten anything since breakfast. So I ordered a salad and sampled the artichoke dip that two of the other girls bought. Eventually the bulk of us headed over to Nate's for the proper party/sleepover part of the night.

With that many people in that small of a space, it made for a lot of noise and some arguments. Enough so first a neighbor came down to complain and then apparently a cop did (I wasn't witness for that one). I had another three glasses of bubbly and mingled hard core at that point. A few hours in I got schooled on cheeses by one half of one of the couples who was very generous in sharing their cheeses. One in particular had me out of my mind eating it. Just thinking of it now makes me feel like I could eat a block.

So I lost steam around 4 and passed out after blowing up my bed and sheeting it up. I figured the others wouldn't be that far behind, especially since the two owners of the place were already asleep by then. I woke up at 6 or so cramping of all things. So perfect that I would finally start on the day that I am not in a relaxing position at home. Luckily, I was prepared because it has been so late I have been wanting to be prepared at any moment, so I got up and took the pills I had in my coat pocket. The birthday girl and the other half of the cheese couple were watching The Big Lubowski so I watched that with them for a few minutes before passing out again...

To Be Continued...

Day 344: Weather Change Illness/Party Prep

Written at 6:30 on 12/10

I'm going to a birthday part in an hour. I wanted to get this done before because it is likely to be the longest birthday party I have ever attended. Starts at a restaurant at 7:30 then it moves to residency where television/movies, drinks, and games will be had. Then sleep, sleep anywhere you can find. Lucky me, I have my blow up bed. Then in the morning, full out breakfast.

I have been feeling crappy on and off today so i hope I can keep up. I woke up at the same time I have been waking up since starting the new job, 7am. It is inexplicable since my alarm would normally go off at 7:23 if I would let it wake me. Nope. And now, today, when I am allowed to sleep in. Nope. Not going to happen. So I just laid in bed and read stuff and played games on my phone.

Then I got the part I actually needed for my PS3 to work with my monitor. I got home and hooked everything up...no sound. Come on, now. That is ridic. I got the idea that it was a settings issue, and sure enough, after futzing with the audio settings I managed to get it to work. Glorious. Almost felt like a dumbass because the first "fix" from last night probably would have worked as well. Then again, what I bought today was a little over 3 dollars with tax. The things I bought yesterday were 20. I think it was worth it to miss a night of gamage.

Day 343: Red-Faced Friday

Written at 10pm on 12/9

What a anger making day all around. Work was ridiculous. I came to understand that we are not the only ones with a quota we are trying to fill. Quality can be on your ass like they are trying to hustle it and when they all start in on it together it can get perma-red-faced up in here. I was flipping shit all over the place, albeit in a hilarious fashion that I played up because our instructor is so dry with his humour; it is too tempting to try to make this dude crack.

Then I got home expecting to find 1. HDMI adapter for my PS3 to monitor and 2. Internet. No internet. Ran explained how the dude came but discovered he would have to technically go into our neighbors yard to get to a cable or some shit and she wasn't home so...Sunday. Supposedly. Oh well, I got the cable at least! Oh wait...what is this...the video works! HMM....OKAY...WHERE IS THE AUDIO!? Apparently when my dad helped me the other day he didn't think about how the audio would be able to play though my monitor (it doesn't). I went to get an adapter per dad's instruction. They didn't have the precise thing he instructed me to buy but I went with their suggestion and tried a combo they made up on the fly.

Nope. No dice. Silence. Like my soul. So tomorrow I have to return that shit. UGH. And then try to find what he described elsewhere. The one good thing about today was the Chinese buffet I had with an old coworker, her boyfriend, and her roommate. Cheese wontons and cheese mushrooms and fried zucchini and bread and ice cream. It was good. Expensive...but good. And I needed it after feeling quite beat up today.

Day 342: Stationary Aches

Written at 9:30 pm on 12/8

I've noticed my typing has improved in the past month, what with the frequency with which you are asked to type at my new job. I have also noticed that my spine is all beat up from the wonky way I like to sit in chairs that a designed to mold to your sitting normally body. There is a support brace toward the base that digs like a bitch when you sit like an asshole. But I don't like my feet on the ground.

My hand has started a kind of trembling that is so faint I only notice it really in the mornings when I am still laying in bed, head on pillow and tilted with my phone up to my face. As I move the screen with my finger I feel it. Maybe it is due to the equally fucked up way I sleep with my hands curled. About time that caused some permanent damage.

I am very tired right now, at 9:30 and I have been this tired for a few hours now. What is my youth when an office job can wear me out like this? I did well today, for what it is worth. Tomorrow should bring in the weekend with a buffet dinner. I have been looking forward to it all week, when my busy brain even remembers that it is in the forecast. Something about eating your weight in food to welcome a few days of unrestricted happenings.

Day 341: Questionable Eatings

Written at 11:30pm on 12/7

So I still fail at some food selections. I got the one pasta sauce that has animal in it, Puttanesca. I ready the front and it sounded delicious, olives and capers, beating out the mushroom one I initially picked up. I was getting the pasta ready tonight, opened the jar and was marveling at the smell when Sandra mentioned that she thought it would have anchovies.

I showed her the front that detailed the olives and capers. She thought capers were an animal product...then amended that to say she thought they go hand in hand with anchovies. Neither which is true, but when I turned the jar over and looked at the ingredients, sure enough there was a special notation of Includes Anchovies. Perfect. So I gave that away to the Couple and Kristie let me have some of theirs. Mushroom...like my original choice.

Sandra and I then double dom'd it, two games of dominoes, one won each. My bad leg was cramping up and her back was aching by the time we were done. Those couches are not comfy. Hot chocolate powered us through the first game, but by the middle of the second the energy was much lower. We were ready to be done with it. Kristie coming in toward the end with an intoxicated rant about some girls that left her group without letting them know they were leaving and how that was against the "girl code" didn't help the easily distracted Sandra from focusing on what were were doing.

Day 340: Adventures in Amateur Cooking

Written at 9:15pm on 12/6

I had success in the kitchen this evening. At work I was thinking about what I had bought the previous day. Tahini and tofu...had some pomegranates mom gave me over a month ago that were still good, but weren't going to stay that way long. I thought about making the pome. salad we had for Thanksgiving and pairing it was fried tofu coated with tahini.

I didn't really know the best way to do all this though. I didn't have the recipe for the pome. salad though I did try to find it online. I didn't find the exact one and didnt like the ones I did find so I just fully winged it. Started with deseeding the pome. and making juice our of some of the seeds and leaving some for topping since that it was Enila and I did when we started the salad on Thanksgiving. Then I added some lemon and balsamic vinegar and olive oil.

The tofu I was most worried about but I let it fry in some olive oil until tan then kind of dolup-ed and mixed the tahini on them. The odor suddenly became kind of pungent, I think a few were starting to get too crisp so I turned off the burner but left the pan on it as I was still deseeding the freaking pome. at that point. Cut up some tomato and laid down the spinach and brought all the elements together. I had to clean up before I could relax enough to try the dish. Then I sat in bed and had a bite. Then another. Pretty damn good - will repeat.