I don't know if it is the heat or I am just hating everything. The thought of merely having a job, any job, is not consoling me. I have no money. Rather, I have no excess money to save, hardly have money to survive without pulling from savings, and all the while I am not getting what I wanted out of moving here. So why am I here working a job I hate surrounded by people I really couldn't give two shits about? Frustration.
The no apparent way out is what is getting to me now. My long term plan was not very long term at all and involved going overseas, to Japan or where ever, but now I don't know how to achieve that. I'm just aimless here in this city that ends up not to amount to any different than all the other cities I have lived in. At least for me, they all end up traps of unhappiness, stagnant pools of misery that seem great views for people who can live the routine, but that isn't me. It has never been me and I suspect it will never be me.
I wonder if this is something inherited. This feeling of needing to go and be many places, learning things, living things; I suspect something similar must have motivated my father after serving in the Navy to keep on traveling. Would I go so far as to enlist? No. But I seriously let the thought cross my mind yesterday in the heady daze Band of Brothers left me in. Still - no. That war I could have fought for, but not one since. Regardless, I am but one girl in the world wanting something more in a sea of millions. Does that make it a selfish want? An unworthy want? To want to have a fulfilling life? Do I just need to abandon all my material treasures and go backpacking? That idea has crossed my mind as well, oh yes. The desperation in rife in this one.
The no apparent way out is what is getting to me now. My long term plan was not very long term at all and involved going overseas, to Japan or where ever, but now I don't know how to achieve that. I'm just aimless here in this city that ends up not to amount to any different than all the other cities I have lived in. At least for me, they all end up traps of unhappiness, stagnant pools of misery that seem great views for people who can live the routine, but that isn't me. It has never been me and I suspect it will never be me.
I wonder if this is something inherited. This feeling of needing to go and be many places, learning things, living things; I suspect something similar must have motivated my father after serving in the Navy to keep on traveling. Would I go so far as to enlist? No. But I seriously let the thought cross my mind yesterday in the heady daze Band of Brothers left me in. Still - no. That war I could have fought for, but not one since. Regardless, I am but one girl in the world wanting something more in a sea of millions. Does that make it a selfish want? An unworthy want? To want to have a fulfilling life? Do I just need to abandon all my material treasures and go backpacking? That idea has crossed my mind as well, oh yes. The desperation in rife in this one.
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