I'm not sure how I feel right now. Not sure if I even want to write about it which seems to be reason enough to force myself to do just that. I just found out that the "he" that has hung over my every move like a looming shadow is sharing the same city as me no longer. The impact this knowledge has on my day-to-day? None. The impact it has on my psychological mind...still being determined.
I always am wary, especially in the store, of seeing his face so I end up seeing it a lot in places where it never was. Just today I drifted into a stray memory of his laughter, this wild yet structured thing, and how a friend of ours could imitate it. It made me smile as I was walking along, and noticing the smile both freaked me out and made me smile a bit more. It's an odd affect - the one "that one" has on me.
So what now? With no possibility of "maybe" or "what if", no chances through common acquaintance, we are truly strangers now. But I also have been waiting for this, expecting it to come, realizing I would never really relax in this city, really give the people here a chance when the one I wanted to be around was still so easily accessible. And yet not. Seemingly accessible, we shall say. Now though, I get to look at everything anew. Not in my day-to-day. Nothing changes there. But everything is anew in my psyche. I just don't know if it is for the better or if I am destined to feel lost here after all.
I always am wary, especially in the store, of seeing his face so I end up seeing it a lot in places where it never was. Just today I drifted into a stray memory of his laughter, this wild yet structured thing, and how a friend of ours could imitate it. It made me smile as I was walking along, and noticing the smile both freaked me out and made me smile a bit more. It's an odd affect - the one "that one" has on me.
So what now? With no possibility of "maybe" or "what if", no chances through common acquaintance, we are truly strangers now. But I also have been waiting for this, expecting it to come, realizing I would never really relax in this city, really give the people here a chance when the one I wanted to be around was still so easily accessible. And yet not. Seemingly accessible, we shall say. Now though, I get to look at everything anew. Not in my day-to-day. Nothing changes there. But everything is anew in my psyche. I just don't know if it is for the better or if I am destined to feel lost here after all.
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