Day 242: Looking for Season's Change

A jumble of thoughts kind of day. I got a splinter stuck in my hand and spent what must have been thirty to forty five minutes working to get it out with just my mouth and nails before I succeeded. While I was doing that, my mind was going through scenarios involving a different, more risk taking version of myself who could just take off and backpack across the country without worries. In the scenario I tried to convince my mother that it was what I needed to do and the wrath I pictured that create was no doubt completely accurate.

It is some what ridiculous to expect someone to give you the opportunity to have an adventure. The whole point of having an adventure is in the taking of it. I need to be more proactive, perhaps more drastic and less controlled. But what ties would I be cutting in becoming such a version of me? I'm afraid that if I deemed it worth it, what that means for me as a person. I like to think I am fairly compassionate and I have people who I care about and want to be around. However, if I could go off an learn something new far away from those people there would be no hesitation in me.

There was rain in the forecast up until mid-afternoon today when percentages of 60 and 40 percent dropped to 10 and 20. Unreal. The temperatures still read the cooler, upper nineties that went along with the rain predictions so I don't know if that is real either and is subject to change. Yes, I am obsessively checking the weather many times a day. I just want to know fall is coming.

Day 241: Caged

I don't know if it is the heat or I am just hating everything. The thought of merely having a job, any job, is not consoling me. I have no money. Rather, I have no excess money to save, hardly have money to survive without pulling from savings, and all the while I am not getting what I wanted out of moving here. So why am I here working a job I hate surrounded by people I really couldn't give two shits about? Frustration.

The no apparent way out is what is getting to me now. My long term plan was not very long term at all and involved going overseas, to Japan or where ever, but now I don't know how to achieve that. I'm just aimless here in this city that ends up not to amount to any different than all the other cities I have lived in. At least for me, they all end up traps of unhappiness, stagnant pools of misery that seem great views for people who can live the routine, but that isn't me. It has never been me and I suspect it will never be me.

I wonder if this is something inherited. This feeling of needing to go and be many places, learning things, living things; I suspect something similar must have motivated my father after serving in the Navy to keep on traveling. Would I go so far as to enlist? No. But I seriously let the thought cross my mind yesterday in the heady daze Band of Brothers left me in. Still - no. That war I could have fought for, but not one since. Regardless, I am but one girl in the world wanting something more in a sea of millions. Does that make it a selfish want? An unworthy want? To want to have a fulfilling life? Do I just need to abandon all my material treasures and go backpacking? That idea has crossed my mind as well, oh yes. The desperation in rife in this one.

Day 240: Net-less

Written at 10:40pm on 8/28/11:

The hottest day yet! You know, the heat in general was not so bad except for the continuous burning sensation on my cheeks and lips. It was like the air was literally burning them. The mister didn't really help in that regard, but it kept me sane and sufficiently damp.

Then I got to come home to a leaking water hose that had been running constantly since yesterday but I live with idiots who don't communicate such issues even though their housemate works in a home improvement store, specifically in the garden department where items that could remedy the issue can be bought. So at this point I don't want to go out to get the part, I want to take a shower and feel something other than a damp sticky mess. They went out and got it and we got it fixed. While they were away, the power went out and when it came back on...no internet.

Not only no internet, a prompt came up from the service provider proclaiming a serious issue needing to be discussed at the timely hours of midday monday through friday and a few select hours on saturday. Perfect for a clusterfuck of a Sunday. And so I type this out in WordPad to post later. Since I couldn't enjoy my time as I normally do browsing the internet, I chose to finish Band of Brothers many months after starting it. I don't know why it took my so long, it was beautiful and moving just like I knew it would be. Way to be not overhyped.

Day 239: Eating...Something

I've started reading Eating Animalse by Jonathan Safran Foer after debating over it being a good idea and I suppose, ultimately deciding it was. My eating of anything has slowed to a crawl, however. First it was the stomach rebellion and then not having any food. Well, I went shopping yesterday and got a good one half of what I needed.

I was sure my tomatoes were good so I didn't get any. But no, I had a very unhealthy looking bag of tomatoes sitting in my minifridge upon coming home. I got whole wheat pasta shells but didn't want to buy Alfredo sauce (shells must be in white sauce, duh!) least I could make a healthier one myself. Of course, I have no idea how to make Alfredo sauce and resigned to look it up later. Haven't done that yet. I bought potatoes but my ham went long bad and I didn't buy any long onions so no fully loaded one of those. I pretty much have spinach leaves, raspberry vinaigrette, chicken and ground beef, some 100% fruit pops, a few yogurts to try out, and some cans of garbanzo beans. All which totaled to 60 some odd dollars. Damn me trying to eat healthy and afford shit at the same time! I go home with half of what I need.

Now this book is giving me some issues. Even though I only started reading it yesterday, it has already wheedled its way into my psyche. Do I even need meat? The evidence would point to no, but I really enjoy meat. The book makes it clear how foolhardy that is. It hasn't outright said so, but it has made my liken eating meat to the type of dumb attitudes commonly held by bigots prior to the 1960s. The type of absolute belief of better-than-you. But worse in this case, because there is often no direct maliciousness toward the meat we eat. I guess if you are a hunter or farmer or one of the fishermen who bring in the tons of fish that feed the masses there could be, but for the lot of us there is none. I don't know what I think about this all quite yet but I did thaw some of the ground beef I bought and I did make spaghetti with it. All the while knowing there is no logical reason ground beef needs to be in spaghetti.

Day 238: Sleep Disturbance

I don't like being woken up in the middle of the night while I am sleeping. I think that is a fairly normal, wide-spread dislike shared by perhaps everyone. Unless there is an emergency, I do not wanted to be forcefully sucked out from the cozy crazy dreams I am likely having (and most certainly forgetting upon waking). So when I woke up around 1 AM to the dulcet sounds of a woman, Kristie, shouting out in ecstasy it wasn't too much a delay before a low thrum of annoyance took over my the immediate coherent thought process.

As the perhaps eternally sex-less, I suppose I may be speaking without proper knowledge when I say that such loud displays of pleasure are simply theatrical. I have had the horror of hearing another roommate of mine, one I had to live with for a year in college, and her boyfriend go at it and she was ridiculously loud as well. Like, porno worthy loud, saying things that you often hear uttered in those films by the females. Luckily...I suppose...Kristie wasn't being that ostentatious. But it still came off as overdone unnecessary shouting for shouting's sake. In both occurrences of unwanted eves-sex-dropping the guys are silent. I know that they are surely not actually silent, but I can't hear them.

I am all about a girl getting equal pleasure as a guy, but I don't need to be woken by it in the middle of the night. I am surprised really that I hadn't heard them sooner than now - almost 9 months since I have moved in - but this happening only makes me yearn for the next week to go by so they can be upstairs and out of the way. How they are going to move everything up there in a weeks time with a lot of Brie's stuff still in the room, I don't know, but I am decidedly hands off on this matter after expressing my initial concerns on the logistics and being promptly reassured all would go off without a hitch.

Day 237: Sleepy Time Ramblings

Only I could be able to think about buying healthy foods during my impending grocery store outing and then follow up with a bag of flaming hot cheetos. Where is my humanity? Humility? Harmonium? Harmonica. There we go. My brain hurts, why so sleepy times so early? Could it be because I have ingested a limited amount of food in the past 24 hours + and therefore don't have enough calories for efficient brain function stuff? Yeah.

My eyes hurt. That is a fairly severe level of sleepiness that is not proportionate to the amount of work I did today. Work that consisted of a minimum of checking people out and a maximum of five some odd not completed crosswords (some of those words must not be in the dictionary, or at least the English one) and checking my phone for email and weather radar after a few promising sprinkles. Actually, the weather was fairly bearable with me not even needing to set up the mister because the storms that weren't hitting us were at least close enough to share their cooler air. By cooler air I mean lower 90s temperatures, but with a good breeze behind it, it was considerably more refreshing than what has become our new normal.

Secondary plans are falling apart. I don't know who can write good things about me that isn't a family member or a friend. What am I suppose to do, actually give a shit about the people I work with? Come on. Even then, they wouldn't know me well enough to explain in an articulate fashion why I would be worthy of going overseas to teach foreign children English. I keep on trying to think of people which is utterly ridiculous because it would need to be someone I trust, someone who knows me, and those people come to mind off the bat. You don't need to rattle your head to find them.

Day 236: The War of the Lower Intestines

My stomach revolted against my tyrannical rule today. It did it will complete stealth, taking my unawares. I woke up fine, didn't eat anything until an hour before work when I ate some crackers and cheese spread. When I was getting in my car the first signs of danger let themselves known, a pang of gas I put it to and went on my way. Getting into the break room, a few more pangs but nothing deserving of a trip to the bathroom or too much concern.

And then...thirty minutes or less later, I am bent double realizing I am on the opposite side of the store from the bathroom and I need to get there now. But I am alone with a register and must get someone to cover me first. Which I kind of do before running (literally at moments) to the bathroom to not much success but to much awareness of the situation. My stomach (I guess the more correct term would be lower intestines) had decided to declare war on the rest of my body. I knew it wasn't going to be resolved in this one bathroom trip, but I was hopeful, so I trekked back to my register.

And called for back up thirty minutes or less later. The whole day went somewhat like that and was generally and uncomfortable affair. Even when I wasn't dueling with the intestines, I was not very energetic or even very pleasant to people. I just didn't want to be there like that but couldn't leave for need of money. That pesky business. Unlimited disposable income, I'm telling you, I need it.

Day 235: A Challenger Appears!

I may know what my challenge for next year is going to be. I originally thought the vegetarian for a year thing, but after watching all these YouTube videos the past few days (and considering I graduated with a degree in Film/Video) I think I should do something in that vein. A video a day? Seems like it would be fairly challenging. A big risk for failure if I can't get to a camera that is functioning, battery dies, I pass out before editing.

Though I suppose as long as I shoot the video on the day is all that matters. I could edit the next day and upload it online. I would also need to come up with something worthwhile to share. There isn't anything inherently interesting about me so I guess it would just be a scattershot of material from television reviews to daily occurrence stories. I need to perfect this plan a bit more before I become set on it. The vegetarian thing could be interesting too. Maybe do both? Meat deprived and personal goal pressure?!

I was suppose to go grocery shopping today because I have hardly a thing to eat. Instead I laid naked in bed all day playing video games and watching videos, telling myself "later" and then eventually "I can make it a few more days...maybe" on the two meals I have left. I guess I could open up my canned vegetables and get a leg up on that vegetarianism. Or...I could go grocery shopping and spend money I don't really have considering my credit card's $400 balance must be paid by the end of next month on top of my other monthly expenses so I don't accrue interest. And now it seems like Wells Fargo is going to act like a bag of dicks and start charging for service. I told my sister they needed to choke on one. A dick that is.

Day 234: Story Ebb and Flow

I finished A Dance With Dragons last night and now my life is empty. So much shit went down in the last chapters and now, for the first time since starting the series, there is no more reading out there for me to devour. In that universe, that is. I walked around today still suffering from story immersion wherein I think about the characters and situations during my "spare thoughts" time. It can make me appear very head-in-the-clouds but it will pass as time distances me from the book.

Only the really good ones stay with you like that. Now I wonder if I should get another book, start another series, or what? Then I think I should stop reading and start writing. I even put a fresh composition notebook in my bag in case I felt like starting during lunch. That didn't happen. I don't know if it will. I am just in a transition at the moment. Oh and kind of tired from working a week straight, I suppose. Just writing this is taking over and hour so far partially because I am watching YouTube videos.

There is this girl from Germany who is transgendered and becoming fairly popular as a music artist so there has been a few posts about her on ONTD. That led me to watching some other transgender videos on YouTube and that is how I have spent my whole evening. The past two hours has been a slow click through of all the videos in one girl's library detailing her male to female transition. I don't quite know why this is as fascinating to me all of the sudden, but I really want to know this person and other people like her's story/

Day 233: Maternal

There are no good ways to deal with a very maternal mother. She has been calling my almost everyday since I left Fort Worth a week ago. I didn't really notice this until I was back into the work flow and would have to answer the phone when I was trying to relax after work. First I tried to make the conversation short despite my tiredness. Then I told her yesterday that I would call her on Tuesday, my day off, because I was tired. So now that it is 10:15 PM and she decided to call me I couldn't help but answer the phone with "I told you I would call on Tuesday, why are you calling?" which did not a happy mother make.

No matter how I tried to explain myself to her ears it was "I don't want you to ever call me" and "I don't want to hear your voice" which is supposedly the only reason she just called to which I just have to scoff. Not that I don't believe it, I do. And therein lies the problem. I go to visit and it just magnifies this clinging instinct in her that just naturally makes me shy away. I don't like to feel obligated to do something everyday like talk to someone on the phone. Just writing these things once a day is bad enough and I have had my fair share of mental bitching about them.

I tried to keep her on the phone past her "I will never call you"s, which are just utterly ridiculous in their unbelievability, to make sure she heard me when I said I am tried from the work week and will call her on Tuesday. She still didn't seem happy about it, not that I expect different, but if some tough love gets her to settle down to even pre-visit levels I will be satisfied. I need to be able to wind down at night and not have to worry about getting riled up unnecessarily. Love of mother or no.

Day 232: Television Highlights

My interest in Torchwood was kind of flagging as of late with me falling asleep while watching an episode last week. Granted, I was drugged up fresh from having my wisdom teeth taken out, but I figured I could get an episode in only to find the episode wasn't capturing my attention enough to stop my eyes from shutting on their own.

Well I got spoiled about something that happened while looking through a Torchwood post on ONTD and wasn't quite sure how I felt about it, but I decided to at least finish the episode today at work. If I had just continued with the episode for five minutes longer I would have seen that shit got real and all that feeling of general disinterest would have been wiped away. And then the next episodes were crazy! I was hooting up a storm in the little cave of a room that is Bookkeeping. I'm surprised no one came in to check on me.

And then Weeds which has had its share of lulls but has been pretty damn good this season, hit it out of the park with the last scene of their most recent episode. All the people in Nancy's life who don't know about each other come together in this odd awkward hilarious moment that was just so long in coming - it was great. I think it is so great because we all have different ways of being depending on the person you are around so that kind of awkwardness could occur even with a particularly honest person, like myself. But because it is Nancy who is a chronic manipulator if not outright liar, it was just too rich. Must watch again.

Day 231: Day Going Ons

Home alone, home alone, how nice it is to have the house to myself for a few days. Exceeept...I forgot to feed the animals before I went to work this morning so I had to rush to feed them their evening portion as soon as I got home. They weren't wasting away by any means. Tomorrow will be interesting though with me waking up at 4:15 AM trying to shove some pills down a big dogs throat. Not nearly as easy as when it is little ones.

Today I got a board of wood dropped on my toe. I tried to move out of the way once I realized it was falling but there was nothing I could do to avoid it when the customer could not seem to understand that the bar code was on the end of the board and I needed help lifting it from the cart (improper cart to have wood in) instead opting to show me one of the other items in the cart. I hope I hit it close enough to the tip that it wont turn blue and fall off. I have a digit injury phobia like whoa.

Life has been just work, food, applying to jobs, wanting to play The Witcher but not have the time, squeezing in a chapter of A Dance With Dragons (only a few hundred pages left!), and of course sleeping. Damn, I really want to play The Witcher. Maybe I can get some time in tomorrow after work. All these e-mails to places with personalized cover letters and my resume better get my something. The rule of odds would deem it inevitable, right?

Day 230: Work Matters

Oh how these work days fly by when my eyes are glued to crosswords. It is my saving grace at the moment while I am waiting for something new an exciting to come to me. Not come to me like I am standing around waiting to be saved, though it could appear that way, but no - I have been whoring myself out one cover letter/resume e-mail at a time. The interview today wasn't really much of an interview. I don't know if I was just that unappealing, but I was simply told about the job and asked to tell a bit about myself and then it was over.

The most time was spent hunched over a page of misspelled legal vocabulary that I needed to spell correctly and define. Yeah...I don't know much about law. That wasn't in the job description that I read. Not that I would mind learning, but that tempted me to just leave. I only stayed because I had put so much effort to be ready by going down to the campus area of town and printing good copies of my resume. I didn't want to waste them. They are probably sitting in some trashcan by now, though.

The next two days at work will not feel so work filled. Tomorrow I was scheduled off because I can't cashier the day before being in Bookkeeping and I suppose they figured shorting me 8 hours was okay. I wasn't so okay with it, so I am going to shadow the Service Desk for a whole day. Then the real joy of my week will be Bookkeeping on Saturday. A weekend day to spend catching up on shows while someone else sweats their tush outside with the busy.

Day 229: Resume With Blue Font

Brain hurting exhaustion. But! Full tummy after eating one half of 50 some odd dollars of food for only 15 dollars. A people look at me weird when I dig in the trash for bottle tops! My coworker and I were able to fully treat ourselves at a Thai restaurant, Satay, because of my neverending code collection. I had beef and shrimp skewers of which the beef was unreal in its tastiness (especially dipped in their peanut sauce) and the side of quartered cucumber slices and purple onion went well with the jasmine rice. Then we had chocolate silk pie for desert.

I am not much of a chocolate person, but that shit was good. Like, I could have it every day good. Mine was made better with a pairing of strawberries and blueberries that made the coconut-y-ness of the chocolate all the yummier. I think that must be why I liked it so much; the chocolate wasn't all...chocolatey, rather more nutty and yummy and light. I would go back just for the pie, but the beef was a close second for sure. We sat outside though so I got some mosquito bites with my meal - also for free!

I called and set up an interview for tomorrow morning before work, so that is a setup for potential logistic disaster. If I am not on point tomorrow and forget something, I could really land on my face. I am not starting out the best as it is with my blue fonted resume via my co-worker's inept printer. If I can find a place open early enough tomorrow I will have to rectify that first error. Then again, all the small things matter little if I can't convince these people I can do what they need, that they in fact need me because I am awesome.

Day 228: Minor Feet Dragging

This is where I wail "I don't wanna!!!" go to work tomorrow. Not the age old grind. Not the boredom. Not the assholes, employees and customers alike. Though I did apply to some more places today and got a response from one real quick wanting me to call to set up an interview. Now, with my two days off of the week gone by, how I am going to set up said appointment is a mystery. I will figure it out though because desperation makes a person find solutions where others would deem too dangerous to attempt.

The house is semi-full again with Christie back with her dog. Brie is pretty much permanently at her new place, but she was hardly here anyway, so it is back to normal. I can't wait for them to move upstairs though I think I have the unrealistic expectation that they will be out of the way and quiet. I suspect they will be in the living room as much if not more than usual, especially when they have no television and their room will be all that much further away.

I also got a peek of what life will be like with Sandra. I forget how the tiptoeing nature of questioning seemingly obvious things annoy me. For instance, she was explaining what her phone GPS was telling her I should go as I was the acting driver of the day. She initially read the directions to me but at one point seemed to contradict them by telling me to stay right instead of remaining to the left in anticipation of a turn lane. When I questioned it, she said that she meant not to get back on the freeway. Why in the would I do that? We exited for a reason. I didn't and wouldn't say anything about an irritation so minor. I just forgot that that kind of impatience is quick in me.

Day 227: Water Parking It

Written at 11pm on 8/15:

I am that special breed of fatigue that comes with being outside all day in water. Your body still feels like it is being battered by waves, your head is under that fuzzy haze that makes blinking but a challenge to keep your eyes open. But sleep would be so much easier! Feet were sufficiently abused by copious amounts of standing and walking on molten-hot surfaces, but I succeeded in avoiding any significant burning to the rest of my body so I will rest happy with that.

Do not get a funnel cake at Schlitterbahn. To make me have funnel cake regret is a sad thing indeed. I don't know if it was because I got it 45 minutes before the park was closing or if it is always a not fully crispy disappointment, but at almost 10 dollars it is both more expensive and not as satisfying as the one I shared at Six Flags earlier this year. Yes, I just spent a paragraph musing about funnel cakes.

The park was honestly not as big a deal as I had been led to believe. I thought it would be much more massive than Hurricane Harbor and while it was bigger in some ways, it didn't really feel bigger because the rides were not nearly as fun to me. Perhaps that's the kid memories talking or it isn't a fair assessment since we didn't ride everything and some things were inexplicably closed, but that is my assessment nonetheless.

Day 226: Segments

Written at 11pm on 8/14:

Days. They move by quickly. Away from me. Kind of wasted. Not me though, I am sober as can be. Been pissing the whole day with so much water. Still want more. Never enough. Movies. Food. Games. Nothing sates me. Counting the days in dread. Not enjoying what I have. Not thankful like I should be. Not wanting anything I have access to.

Stunted. Half-hearted growth. Could sleep it off. Long sleep. Wouldn't be enough. Whispers of rain that never come. Cloud build up to the north east. Never see the result. They are stunted too. Who constipated the clouds? Would be in the right to laugh there. Funny mental image, Accurate.

A taste of water tomorrow. More like a flood and exhaustion. But fun too. Hopefully. Food gets stuck in my pits and I have to fish it out. One pit really, it it a bitch. Wish these holes would heal already and I could drink through a straw. Keep forgetting at restaurants and have to throw the straws out after a few sips. Then again, started to chew gum and had a sucker in the car yesterday,

Day 225: Turn Around

Written at 12am on 8/13-14:

It's one of those turn around days where everything is an adjustment. A three hour drive takes you to a different frame of mind as your role is reversed with an hour of settle-in time. With that bit of time I was able to catch up on my internet routine and open my new Birch Box. I also got to search a bit for jobs but didn't have time to apply to any before Sandra arrived.

Currently she is out on the town with another friend who drove into Austin for the weekend. She invited me to come along, probably wanted me to go, but even if it wasn't my scene, I am too tired to venture out when I could be resting my head right here on clean sheets. I at least was good enough to have the blow up bed ready for her upon her inevitable slinkage back to the house. That makes me a decent host I suppose though she will be moving here in two weeks time.

Before leaving Fort Worth I did go ahead a get that refill on the hydrocodon pills. At .54 cents it just seemed utterly stupid not to get them in case I do end up with dry socket. Worse case scenario, they expire in a year and I wasted .54 cents that could just as easily fell from my pocket. Best case scenario...I am pain free for a long while. I can dig that.

Day 224: Whisper of Storms

Written at 12AM 8/12-13:

A touch of storms today. The first I have seen in many a month. The smell of moisture heating on asphalt, enough droplets to warrant a windshield-wiper down. I will give that my car thermometer has read higher temps. while I have been in this northern part of the state, but I still think the likelihood of storms is much greater in this are right now. I've realized my impression of Austin has been tarnished a bit by this dry and enduring summer, that perhaps the area truly sees more rain normally, maybe more regularly than the summers I have experienced in the past. But I doubt it.

The prospect of going back isn't all that appealing, but it is an eventuality that can't be stifled with feet dragging. So I will head back tomorrow and play entertainer for a few days and them less than cheerfully return to the monotony of work. Also to continue - my search for a job just for me! Or..you know, a decently paying non-soulsucking occupation would be fine.

Day 223: The Evidence of Time Passing

Written at 11:15 PM on 8/11:

She flung her little slobber dewed body at me, sticky fingers splayed for a whole-hearted embrace. Why this tiny soul seemed drawn to me, a rarely seen face and surely a forgotten one considering her young age, but nevertheless un expected sweetness lends itself to a positive reaction whatever the reasoning. The passage of time is firmly evident in those little ones' development, they have firm communication skills and, in the case of the older child, he can watch anything and repeat what happened, that was said, and his open opinions without taking a breath.

Traveling around in this city, the one I was born and the one I grew up in; the driving is effortless, navigation secondary, speed limits ingrained into memory as with all lights and shortcuts around them. But then, as often is the case with small cities that have a want to grow and a need to accommodate, places are added, streets rerouted, and freeways elongated so that surely known exits are now accessed in new and unfamiliar ways.

These changes can evoke a selection of emotions from interest to anxiety, the lower scale of tension form from anything unexpected where certainty has always been a guarantee. These are gradual changes though and they creep up on the residents without notice. It is only the native who have ventured away, memorized other city streets and shortcuts and have come back to reflective routes of habit - it is only us who feel the shocks of a world shift. A time lost, a "when I was a kid...". A "before that was there".

Day 222: Transcribing Drunk-ish Scribble Writing

[I will supplement like this]

Written at about 2 AM or something [on 8/10-11]:

I am pretty buzzed from a night of wine drinking at my guy friend's house in my home town. his mother invited me over for dinner and, along with his dad and other gal pal, we all had a nice soft (that which would work with my extra mouth holes and his mother's temporary teen ) meal. In fact, it made me feel as if I could eat anything and everything. My appetite was up.

Once the folks went to sleep, the three youngens stayed up chatting about all that parental guidance would not allow but then the other friend left and it was just me and Sheebs. Sheebs told me told me how he recently (like 3 days ago) lost his V card and how not mind blowing the experience was. It was odd to have a male friend explain such an experience yet at the same time awesome because it gave another new point [of view?] to sex and also to him as an individual. It may have made him seem more desirable or maybe that was the alcohol talking. Regardless, nothing happened.

The fact that having sex didn't change him in any dramatic way is comforting. Even when I mention some concerned about people from my past who have been hanging out with him and could turn him against me he said "it would take like 30 people saying stuff about you before I would consider it". I said a simple thank you, but I felt a surge of warm friendship and affection that is rare and much appreciated.

Day 221: Pain Resistance

Written on 8/9:

One day after extractions and I haven't taken a hydrocodone the whole day. There has been discomfort and I suppose some mild pain but nothing compared to say cramping pains. In fact, I think it would be wise to save the remaining pills for such cramping occasions. The pain I have now will not be the kind to wake me in the night but I am all too familiar with that breed of ache.

I wonder why the dentist prescribed me anything or at least so much. I even have one refill I could do aside from the 32 pills that already come in the bottle. It there a rule saying the first bottle has to be empty before you can refill it? I'm just saying...at 54 cents a bottle, that shit would be nice to have around. Maybe that's why the doctor prescribed it; he saw I wouldn't wuss out on pain by going all hardcore with the extractions so he trusted me with the gift of pain liberation.

Again, I haven't taken any today. I think the two I took as I was going to bed was too much, they made me feel tired as I was waking up and the whole day I have been kind of low energy even though I still ran errands and drove to Arlington to meet with a friend. In fact, I even dodged detection by this annoying guy I use to go to school with. He was exiting the art studio I was waiting in front of for my friend. I turned around quickly and hid behind my car so he wouldn't see me. But he was talking to someone and the two voices were getting closer, and it was reaching 100+ temps so I made a dash for it, kept my back to him, and scurried behind the main building as I couldn't get inside being a non-student. Then I had to wait around the corner like a loser for him to leave the parking lot.

Day 220: Teeth

Written at 10:30 PM on 8/8:

Here I am with four new holes in my face. The taste of blood is a close friend by now. In fact, there it is as I write, oozing its metallic tasting goodness into my mouth. How delightful. But my consolation prize is one full bottle of hydrocodone-acetaminophen. I am not even taking the maximum dosage and it still make the pain go away sufficiently.

The actual extractions were performed with my personal soundtrack of the Rosebuds filtering through one earbud in my left ear. It got drowned out when there was grinding (for cavity fillings) and groaning and cracking (for extractions) but I had my finger on the audio controls and cranked it up as necessary. I had to raise my hand twice through to let the doctor know that I could feel him pulling my teeth out and needed more local anesthetic.

He said he was proud because most people are put under for extractions but after breaking my front tooth on the bottom of a pool and having a root canal on same tooth many years later, I figured I would be fine. And the worse discomfort came with the local anesthetic. Once when he hit some nerve that made the right side of my face go awash with heat and ripples of tingle and another when he must have slipped because it stung sharp enough that I kind of jolted a bit. He apologized for that one since my discomfort came across so apparent.

I had to wait for my pain killer with mouth still numb and bleeding profusely. I got called to pick up as "mr. Allen" and I guess the little boy who was sitting next to me was named Allen/Allan because his mom turned to him and said "They are called for you". To which I gave what must have seemed an odd face before getting up to get my pills. The man at the register tried to confirm my name as the male version, I just nodded and paid my .54 cents and ran home with my prize.

Day 219: Light Through the Gap

Written at 11PM on 6/7:

Tomorrow I shall have four less teeth than currently reside in my mouth. What this means for me is unclear. Less effective eating in the short term for sure and perhaps in the long run as well. That is gour less teeth to masticate with, after all. It will eliminate the jolting pain caused by biting the side of my mouth, though that tends to happen on occasionally. Still, not more additional scars to those areas.

It was blissful to wake up assuming I was still in Austin only to remember I was in my old bed in my dark room. I could see the sunlight peeking through the very top of the blinds, the only indication of what time of day it was. Just how I like it and sorely missing with my arrangement in Austin with heavy curtains that can't be hung without a good several inches of space between the top of the window and the beginning of the curtain hanging on its flimsy rod.

I'll refrain from completely bitching about Austin way of life versus here, but a city can be as cool as it likes but it makes no difference if you can't afford to enjoy it or have anyone to share it with or enjoy what you are doing for a living there. Man, I hope if I get a call back from the library tomorrow that I am able to talk what with the multiple teeth extractions.

Day 218: Peespiring

Written at 12AM on 8/6-8/7:

A little boy pulled down his pants, lifted his shirt, and after merely exposing himself for a few seconds, let sail his yellow flag for all the queue to see. His father was trying to finish a transaction with me at the register. His two older brothers were around the corner in hide-out mode, though it was their shrieks at the father that got his attention.

Perhaps he was inspired by the steady swirl of mist from the miser we have set up next to the register. Maybe he just had to go. When the father ran over to salvage the situation, as red faced as his hair, I let him know it okay, that the boy seemingly needed "to go". I also had a convenient bucket of water beside me due to a leaking pipe system and my lack of time between customer to dump it on something in dire need (flowers, trees), As the stream of urine grew I eyed that bucket knowingly.

I also was good enough to allow the father and sons to exit before washing out their shame. Then it was just me with the lingering thought of diluted pee on the bottom of shows and on the broom I been using to spread out water accumulations. I figured the urine should be fairly dilute already if the boy was being healthy and considering the heat of the day. These are some of the things I get to must on while working in 100+ heat with too few lulls in between customers with which to do something a bit more mind engaging. Like a crossword!

Day 217: Not A Good Way To Be

I was told by a customer today that I was not nice. My response was "okay" offered with no hesitation and little to no emotion. I just don't give a shit. A full time position in Flooring is soon to open up but when I expressed an interests in it, the guy who is leaving apparently went off others about how another girl wouldn't be good. He explained to me that there was a lot of heavy lifting. I explained to him that I use to be a Garden associate and would lift heavy shit on the regular. He expressed to me that that was not the same thing, that "Garden people run from here" with the department head of Garden standing right there at the desk with up.

I tried to keep my ire down, but it really pissed me off. I am deemed not able to lift things in Lumber or Flooring? In this store I would never have gotten a Garden position either I suppose. If they really don't give me a shot at Flooring that will be the last straw. I will just have to give my two weeks and hope that busting my ass for a job before my money runs out succeeds. I know it is not the smart thing to do but I can't anymore with the day-to-day if there is no certainty of better.

Starting sometime tomorrow though none of this will be a worry for me as I start my vacation. The next day I will wake up in my old bed under the same roof as my mother and sister and my dogs and that will be a nice respite from the increasingly aggressive thoughts I wake up with. Like when I was in a dream this morning and the tune of my phone alarm (theme to Warehouse 13) perfectly integrated itself into my dream so that I initially did not realize I needed to wake up. But when the song continued and then faded out in the specific way that I designed it to do, I jolted awake and damned everything around me for needing to do so. Not a good way to be.

Day 216: Drought

If I were to give myself up to prophesy I could say that my luck will change once water returns to the state of Texas. I mean, it is easy to read into this enduring heat, see it as a parallel to my enduring satisfaction-less way of being. Maybe it is a sign that I should have gone somewhere else, outside the state like I had contemplated before ultimately deciding Austin would be the smarter choice fiscally.

I have this thing where ever age younger than my current one seems very young and something to morn the loss of. It is somewhat irrational because being 23 now, in a few months I will mourn that year gone as I turn 24. To me it is a mourning of possibility, not youth. I could do so much more with these prime years...if but for a neverending disposable income and people worth spending time with. Well...for sure the former one at least.

So I broke down the issues. What do I want to do? Have some unique life experiences, enjoyable or not, something worthy of being written or analyzed. I figure I would best be able to accomplish this with money, to get to to places that would facilitate such possibilities. I am currently being cock blocked in that arena. What to do in the mean time? I need to start an escapism that originates from me. No more reading or watching television for my source of escape. I suppose learning kanji was somewhat on the right track, but it isn't a creative process and that seems to be essential. It would seem writing would be the way to go...but then that becomes a somewhat cyclical problem. As it is with most seemingly easy things in my life.

Day 215: Claustrophobia

I had a moment earlier in which I felt the creepings-on of panic. Not your average everyday ol' panic, mind you, but the specific sort that comes along when I am feeling particularly claustrophobic. Now what made this ultra odd was that at the moment of said panic tinglings, I was thinking about the city as a whole and my place in it. You know, things that when put to scale would seem to evoke the opposite of claustrophobia.

If I imagine doing what I am doing now for much longer than the immediate future I get that feeling. To attribute it to the city is somewhat wrong, but now that I have been applying to things with all the bells and whistles put on and still receive no response...it doesn't seem like the city wants me. But now I have the imminent arrival of my childhood friend, coming out to the big city to stake her own claim at independence. So I feel a bit like I shouldn't just up and leave, though again, at this point the idea of doing what I am doing is making me ill.

I could bemoan (and have aloud quite a bit) the fact that I have a degree and it means all of nothing, benefits me not one iota. Or that my job experience also seems to be lackluster and undeserving of and other position than the automaton that my higher ups would like me to be. Oh it is the social climate, the employment crisis, it is difficult for everyone, I'm lucky to have any job. Maybe if I keep telling myself that or hearing it from others it will mean something different, add up to something other than the fact that I am twenty three and unhappy with what I am doing with my life.

Day 214: Away

I'm not sure how I feel right now. Not sure if I even want to write about it which seems to be reason enough to force myself to do just that. I just found out that the "he" that has hung over my every move like a looming shadow is sharing the same city as me no longer. The impact this knowledge has on my day-to-day? None. The impact it has on my psychological mind...still being determined.

I always am wary, especially in the store, of seeing his face so I end up seeing it a lot in places where it never was. Just today I drifted into a stray memory of his laughter, this wild yet structured thing, and how a friend of ours could imitate it. It made me smile as I was walking along, and noticing the smile both freaked me out and made me smile a bit more. It's an odd affect - the one "that one" has on me.

So what now? With no possibility of "maybe" or "what if", no chances through common acquaintance, we are truly strangers now. But I also have been waiting for this, expecting it to come, realizing I would never really relax in this city, really give the people here a chance when the one I wanted to be around was still so easily accessible. And yet not. Seemingly accessible, we shall say. Now though, I get to look at everything anew. Not in my day-to-day. Nothing changes there. But everything is anew in my psyche. I just don't know if it is for the better or if I am destined to feel lost here after all.

Day 213: Losing The Game

If you get angry, you lose the game. The game is successfully getting people to do what you want them to do. At times it seems easy, you understand how to work people, know how to figure their reasoning and motivations and appeal to them. At times though you run into a person who doesn't operate in a way that makes sense, can not be appealed to or manipulated in any discernible way.

My room is hot and stuffy, but I have explained that to Ran to no avail. He will still turn the temperature up regardless of the fact that he could put on more clothes if he was cold. So then I figure it must be an energy thing, but he will leave lights on in rooms he is not occupying for hours at a time. The other day I tried to show him how much warmer my room was since telling him wasn't sufficient and he seemed to agree that is was noticeably warmer. At this time he also agreed that we could keep the house at 76 degrees unless no one was home and then it could be 78.

I realized it didn't work yesterday when I woke up from my three hour nap between store meeting and shift. It was muggy and uncomfortable in my room but I didn't have time to do more than peek at the thermostat (77 degrees) before leaving. It is what started my work day off badly, all hot an irritated before even getting to garden. After waking up from my nap today he was in the living room watching television and I noticed the thermostat was once again at 77.

"Did you turn the air up...a degree?"

"Yeah"

"Why? I thought we agreed it would stay at 76?"

"It was cold..."

"But you can put on more clothes. I can't take more off."

Then asked if I woke up hot and I had to explain that my door was open so it was better. He then admitted he had just turned it up. So if he was trying to catch me with that it didn't work. Just made me uber pissed. Lost the game with this one.