Day 273: The Characters You Meet

I forgot to write about the incredibly hilarious/awkward doctor's appointment I had yesterday. I am talking to the nurse first about why I am there and all that normal business when the nurse asked when my last pap smear was. I said almost two years. She does the tsking thing. I said that I am not on birth control or having sex so...but she said that is was still good to do. Like I don't know that. I get this panic spike that they are going to force me to spread my legs then and there and then mentally chide myself for being ridiculous. But her judgment was so rife with authority...so scary.

Then the doctor came in and was cracking my shit up with his whole characterized persona. By that I mean, the dude was a frenzie of apologizes for the wait because he was "educating" a patient, used the phrase "fair enough" at least ten times in an encounter that lasted about as many minutes, and had the creepy no-blink eyes down pat. Not to say that he was creepy, overall not creepy at all and he was really go at listening to what I wanted to say and getting me out of there quick. He did mention birth control because one of the medicine options I could have been prescribed would need me to be on birth control least I were to become pregnant as it would make a very messed up baby. I assured him that I did not need birth control and he said "...abstinence is best..." or something to that effect which I thought was fairly mortifying considering I am about to be 24 and am not a high school at risk of getting knocked up behind the bleachers after track practice.

It made me think about all the "characters" in my life - those people that are just too kitchy to function and yet are real, surely three dimensional folk. One of the head cashiers at work is this type of individual and I find myself engaging her in conversation in an attempt to pinpoint her "essence" to best replicate it in writing. That is a hard thing to convey though, this totally genuine way of saying things like "...and my grandson says 'Nana, your tortillas...I really like them. They taste very good, Nana'". Or when I mention something logical when she is in one of her overstimulated run-a-bouts, "O-oh! You know what? I like how you think! That is very smart". I laugh and thank he and absorb the way she pauses after that inital "oh" and the beat between the praising sentences. No matter how many times the exchange goes down, she means it ever time.

Day 272: The Pangs and New Life

Hunger and headaches and siblings. And dogs who sweat (but dont because dogs can't sweat besides from their paws) profusely with no rhyme or reason. I saw a newborn today, held her, knew her to be my niece and didn't really think all that much about the significance. She was unusally quiet, but I anticipate that to change, so while her parents are a bit concerned about it, I suggest they just count their blessings for the moment.

My father has been uncharacteristically gushy about the birth, proclaiming his excitment to see her in a few days. I don't recall him every expressing excitement like that before so much that reading the text doesn't not evoke his voice in my mind at all. I suppose it is cool he is being more open and family centered. I almost had a 'but' there, but there isn't really a downside to that so I will reserve that 'but' for a more apt time.

Hunger induced headaches are getting old as are stress headaches caused by teeth grinding. At this point they all tend to blend together but the hunger ones are particularly mood dimming. My fuse is short when there is no munchies on hand, and it becomes shorter when the newly limited food options come into play. I don't find myself wavering though. Then again, I have been reading Eating Animals while waiting for everything today; doctors office, mom to finish with the computer. The images created by the book curbs cravings aplenty.

Day 271: Aches and pains

I had a nice long drive home today, listened to some Trespassers William and inner-conversed about alot of things. I had a moment of lyrical inspiration while passing by the first of many telephone spires (all connected in a row into apparent infinity) vand swore I would remember what it was for record later. It was something like "A constellation of telephone wires..." something about spanning distances but not connected to "you". Obviously, my mind fails.

My back has been a bitch today, and I normally don't have any issues with my back. There is no comfortable way to sit, my left arm has been an aching rigid mess, there are knots all down my spine. Then I was told that the pain in my teeth is most likely caused by grinding which would cost 363 dollars to remedy with a mouth guard. Nah, I'll just take my stress evident in back pain, fucked up breaks, and acne and call it a day.

I am feeling real bad about my sickly dog. I just had to wipe her urine off the floor because she can't seem to hold it enough to convey she needs to go outside. She is constantly scratching and rubbing her face into the ground. She just was bathed yesterday but seems like she could have last been washed over a week ago for how bad her skin and coat feel. I just want to take her back with me but at the same time the adjustment at this time may be too much for me to handle. I want her to feel good and I absolutely do not think that is happening for her here right now for whatever reasons that may be.

Day 270: Muted Phone Means No

I have been telling the same story over and over today. The story of how I woke up this morning:

It technically starts last night when I decided I should put my phone on silent and put my blanket next to my pillow (to facilitate easy over-the-eyes access)  to ensure complete wake up black out. I wanted to sleep in as long as possible, as long as my body wanted. I was having a weird dream though, I don't remember what it was, but I was determined to sleep through it with my eyes blanketed to block out the morning light.

Then I get a knock on my door from Sandra. I ignore it. She says my name. I ignore it. She says my mother is on the phone. I try to ignore, then relent try to say something but she is already back in her room talking to my mother again. I call mom and promptly let'er rip on her ass. She says I needed to get up to make the calls for doctor appointments. I was livid. I let her know I needed to make appointments and would be coming into town not for her to mother it up, but for her to not be surprised when I was in her house in the next few days. I let her know it was my responsibility, that I would decide when I needed to call, that I needed sleep. She got off the phone with a "I can't talk to you when you are like this" and I countered with a "then don't call me at all!!"

Of course, the damage was done and I was not able to simply fall back into the fuzzy unconsciousness of sleep once again. The calls for appointments went off without a hitch a few hours later, as I knew they would. I have a dentist appointment tomorrow to check out one of the sealed cavity sites that have been giving me the stab pains the past few days. Then the next day is a general doctor visit for the mild wreck that is my skin right now. Then the weekend. I wanted to go to my hometown to avoid my mother, but it seems my father who I would primarily want to see, will be down to see the new baby my brother's wife is to give birth to this weekend.

Day 269: Naughty Food Day

Sandra and I have adopted a Naughty Food Day edict that dictates one day a week can include naughty foods. This is the third week of enacting this edict and it has become clear that Sandra and I have differing views on what constitutes a "bad food day". I take it fairly literally, like I do, and intend it as a day that can include unhealthy decisions, like my weakness for Wing Stop. For me that means I tend to not eat much that day other than the meal that is going to be "bad".

For Sandra it means a collective of three meals of unhealthy choices, apparently not really needing to all be on the same day. The reasoning behind this is that smaller portions of bad will break down easier than large portions. I figure if one day of bad is stretched into many though, what is the difference between the bad and the supposed good/hopefully regular eating routine. We had to agree to disagree, but this reminds me of living with my mom and her attempt to eat healthy followed by late night snacking and lot of chocolate. It isn't that bad, but it runs along those lines of denial and producing opportunities to be deluded.

Sandra may have snagged a job so we went out to celebrate. Mother's Cafe and Garden, a vegetarian/vegan restaurant I've been wanting to go to, was such a good choice. We shared one of their fruit smoothies, a papaya/orange/banana mix that was fairly delicious. Then I had the Spinach Lasagna and she had the Mushroom Stroganoff and we sampled each other's plates and agreed on the greatness. We were wise and knew when to quit and put aside the entrees for some dessert and indulged in a blueberry pie for me and a chocolate peanut butter pie for her. All vegan, it was fairly remarkable, and we swapped our plates toward the end to really appreciate both treats. A really rich flavor of peanut on hers made it at once disconcerting and intriguing. We took a menu home in anticipation of upcoming cool nights and soup cravings since we didn't get to try any this go around.

Day 268: Laundry and Animals

Waering my Eddie Izzard shirt in anticipation of the season premier of The Good Wife tonight! Actually - wearing my Eddie Izzard shirt because I have no other shirts to wear! I just moved my shirts from the washer to the drier and was somewhat horrified to see my white are now pinks. I have never had that happen before and I've always put whites with all my other colors, no problem. I could just bleach the full white shirts if I really cared to, but my Lebanon shirt wouldn't survive that. I'm hoping the damage will be less severe upon drying.

Two weeks from now will be my last day of work. Let's see how much trouble I can get in to between here and there. I've been dong remarkably well with no distractions at work besides and marked up bamboo stick to spin. I am kind of surprised myself, but I know all this is possible because I can see the finish line. Nothing is unbearable when you know it will end and something more satisfying awaits. How satisfying is up to debate, not a lot of people would call unemployment satisfying, but it will be a much appreciated reprieve from soul suck. I need that. I will deal with the fallout as it comes.



And an hour or so later I am back to finish writing this. I got sucked into the blackhole that is pet videos. Did you know, a cat and an owl really can be friends? Red foxes have a terrifying scream? Dogs and lions can rough house with no bloody result? Yeah...this is my life, alike with that of a nine year old with ADD.Sandra joined me for a time too, so I guess it isn't just me. Shit was kind of funny, and funny is welcome at any time nowadays. Funny and sleep. Both of those. And if they dreams want to stop getting apocalyptic, that's fine too.  

Day 267: Recipe for Nightmares

All my healthy eating was became null at work today. They provided all the ingredients for a basic milkshake. It isn't difficult for me to take advantage of such opportunity for gluttony. Let's just say I started lunch with an Oreo milkshake, enough for two, that I so selflessly shared with another associate...but kind of begrudgingly. Then I read some more Eating Animals over a avocado (going bad) and tomato on whole wheat with veggie chips (by now, the flavor is getting old).

One of the co-workers saw the book and mentioned his fear of what is could be which caused another co-worker to exclaim that "Animals are here for us to eat. It is written in a book". It took her repeating that a few times amidst me trying to explain what the book was about and the other co-worker saying who knows what, that it soaked in. She meant the bible and she seriously believes animals are here for our sustenance. I am a meat eater, I have always have been, my favorite meal is a plate of ribs...But a runner up in slow cooked beans and cornbread. When I balked at what the co-worker was saying she asked what would we eat if we didn't have meat. My brain officially hurt at the ignorance.

So while I love meat and I have yet to commit to not eating animals, that kind of entitlement and lack of awareness about the world surely made me see where I stand ideologically. A thought came to the fore while in that moment following that standout quote from my co-worker. We can say these creatures who are not in control are weaker than us and because of that they can be deemed prey. To ask for mercy from this being capable of higher thought, if that is not possible, then what would happen if we became the ones deemed weak? Begging for mercy, surely that is what we would try to do, to reason our way to salvation, but it would be just as much a waste of time if that stronger force was as ignorant as us. Recipe for nightmares there.

Day 266: Lack of Food/Tube Full Day

What I have injested today:

a serving of Planters Nut-rition Omega-Mix
two tortillas...just plain...nothing in them
a serving of dried fruit (may have been two servings)
cinnamon apple sauce

This is what happens when there is minimal movement throughout the day. I woke up around 10 which makes the whole rest of the day seem to go by really quick, but that's what happens when you go to bed at 2am due to work. I am strangely not really hungry though, so I'm cool with the lack of sustenance. You hardly notice things like hunger when you are catching up on Thursday television and playing video games all day.

It was a trying day in privacy. I went into the bathroom this morning with the intention of having my singular bowel movement of the day when Sandra suddenly wanted to be in the room as well. We have been fairly relaxed about being in the bathroom together while the other one is showering or even peeing but that was a bit much. She listened when I told her to stay out, but that was just the first. Later, I shut my door and locked it for the first time since I woke up, just for a little privacy. Not five minutes later she was banging on the door in an effort to startle me. Then it was after my shower, still naked I wanted to relax as I like to do while cooling off. She knocks on the door, I proclaim my nakedness, and she still opens the door a bit to fit her little dog through to "dance" for me. Poor little guy.

Mother and I argued today about her wanting me to contact a relative of hers to help me with job stuff, but I don't want the kind of help she mentioned. I don't need someone to talk to me over the phone and critique my resume. It was really nice that he offered, but I have no time on day that I am working and no interest to spend my day off time with that sort of activity. She called me hardheaded and all the usual and I just had to let her have it and let her know these are my decisions and it just because I don't do thing that she wants me to do doesn't mean I am being obstinate. It means I am doing things my way as is my right as an adult free of thought and choice. That didn't go over well.

Day 265: Food Matters

I ate what must have been a whole clove of garlic around mid-afternoon today and my tongue is still tainted by it. One of my co-workers had been given left overs from an Asian restaurant but was balking at the large garlic chunks so she gave it to me. I don't have a problem with copious amounts of garlic. What I didn't realize until quite a few mouthfuls later was that there were also jalapenos in the mix. So after some mouth burning moments, I started to avoid them.

That didn't fully work though. I would still get bites that were burning enough to make my head ring; and then I realized - it was the garlic. It was so strong it was burning in a way that had more to do with your head than your mouth. I have had it happen one other time with spicy mustard sauce at a buffet that I had too greedily slathered over my dish. I hadn't realized how much more spicy the mustard was at the buffet versus when you get the little packets for take out.

I still ate the whole thing though, pork bites and all, minus one jalapeno sliver. I felt kind of bad about the pork bit, but once again, it is hard to say no to free food regardless of what it is. I stuck to my avacado and tomato on whole wheat sandwich wedges with veggie chips for lunch (dinner) though. I was much better about eating before going to work today so I am not nearly as ravenous going to bed now as I was last night. I ended up stuffing my face with nuts and dried fruit last night in a quick effort to sate myself. It was not a pretty sight.

Day 264: Limits

I officially put in a two weeks notice (that actually works more like a two and a half weeks but not when taking into account my next week is two days on and five off). I was just going to feel it out today after trying to call in about the other job opportunity only to be cockblocked by answer machine message of death. In said message. the recruiter said she wouldn't be back until the 6th of October. I felt that first little pinprick of anxiety and it all went down from there. I called my mother, I started applying to other jobs, I just knew I would not make it until the 6th to know what is going on.

But I thought I had calmed down enough by work to be okay. Actually, I was feeling fairly nauseated by anxiety even while driving into work which was having its affect on my appetite, but I was going to persevere. That was before I clocked in and first thing am put into a room once again with the head of the front end and the assistant manager who took the complaint on me. He explained that the footage of the incident was reviewed and it was determined that I did in fact help the customer to the best of my ability. However, it was apparent that I had been working crosswords and I would be written up for that. I just stared with what I hope was a cold blankness as he tried to express the severity of the situation, that this was my "final" before termination.

"I need to be somewhere else then. I've told you, I can't be a cashier". It went off from there with them saying there was nothing else, everyone has equal opportunity for nonexistent positions in the store, my ratings are low (my apathy concerning this started a whole new argument) and on and on. At one point the ASM kind of made light of my unhappiness, saying that everyone will dislike their job or they wouldn't be paid to do it. I cut that shit right then and there with a tearful, warbling utterance that even my days off are becoming joyless which seemed to have the desired sobering effect. So now everything has a limit and I feel much better, even with impending poorness and perhaps moving back to my mother's place eventuality. My appetite came right back.

Day 263: Distractions

I watched Steel Magnolias for the first time tonight. All I knew of the movie was that iconic scene at the funeral with Sally Field but the film had some pretty good parts aside from that most notable one, though that one was still tear inducing due to the force that is Ms. Field. It brought up the old inner debate over what would be easier/better, to die before your parent or to experience their death instead. About as useless a internal banter and ever-changing resolution as whether death by heat or cold.

These days off since Sandra's move in have been a change from the norm. I expected to be wanting my alone time, having to assert that need often, but really I am pretty fine with her sitting in bed next to me on her laptop while I do my thing on my own computer. It is only annoying when she has all these odds and ends on my bed like her phone and book and chapstick. Together with her dog, it can get kind of crowded. Everything is a distraction from the work reality so our days filled with online games, The Sims, and television are perfect coping procedures.

I reek of henna after waking up and plopping on some thawed out stash. It looks fairly auburn now but I expect it to mellow some as it oxidizes over the next day or so. Someone took my saran wrap from the kitchen or somehow used it all so I had to wrap my head with a plastic bag instead. It was definitely messier than normal because of that and just affirms why I like to store everything that is mine in my room and not share with anyone. I don't like surprises like that. That, and I don't like people touching my stuff.

Day 262: Late Nighter

I called out from work with the objective being that I would get to relax at home and not have to stay up late. Lately, I have been very tired very early so it was only following the trend that got me to the conclusion that I would be very tired if I worked til 11 o'clock. However, here I am at 1 o'clock and change still up, typing away. I can't even explain how this came to be. Perhaps it was the Word With Friends epidemic or the new Sims Social rage. Or maybe that I decided not to wash my hair tonight because I am planning on hennaing it tomorrow and didn't want to go through twice the product in as many days and thus feel gross.

I'm not quite sure. I am feeling the sleepies now, and it is luckily an actual day off for me tomorrow followed by another 2 to 11 shift that I will have to actually go in for. So maybe getting into this later night pattern would be best if I am expected to be a night owl at work...then again there is that part of me that is still angry about that whole matter and want to middle finger in the air any such accommodations for people who forced me into something I don't want to do without so much as a word to me.

But it is a day off, albeit one that will cost me money on my paycheck along with the other unaccountable day off last week (though I was really sick that day). I will take the hit because the alternative is not worth the money. That's right, I would rather give up the money than be there if I don't have to. I have enough in savings to do this routine for a long long time, though I am hoping for a quicker resolution than that, and I suspect I can only get away with this for a little bit longer before it will be noticed and become an issue I would rather be absent from.

Day 261: Zombie

The weather is making my head feel like I'm under water. Or maybe that is allergies or stress or sleeplessness due to stress. I'm not sure. Everything seems so difficult when thinking hurts. I was watching the Emmys with Sandra and half way through just wanted to go to sleep right there in the chair in her room. So now I am less than coherent. I have just spent the past 15 minutes on this one paragraph while watching an episode of Community at Sandra's insistence.

I felt like a fat ass today from beginning to end starting with two donuts and a bacon, egg, and cheese kolache that was left over from the game filled store meeting I was not scheduled to attend. I didn't really complain since I did end up getting to eat the food without dealing with the crowd. Then when I had my first break I ate two more kolaches of the ham, egg, and cheese variety. For lunch I was good enough to take a break and ate nothing, and then had my only healthy choice food - an apple - for a snack during my last break.

And then a ate a whole small pizza for dinner. I tried to tell myself I would only eat half, but I am always so hungry and when there is something I know will fill me, it is hard to ration that out. At least I will go to sleep full tonight. I am suppose to work that first 2 to 11 shift tomorrow but I was kind of given the go ahead by the guy head cashier who will be there tomorrow that I can call in without screwing him over, so I may be doing that. Ideally, I would want the call I'm waiting for to come in so I could put in my two weeks and just have this week and two days of next week which seems totally doable at this point. My ideals rarely occur though, so...yeah.

Day 260: Plans of Action

Exhaustion is something born of much anger and a day filled with musing on how to best exit a bad job situation without screwing one over on future job opportunities. It is becoming more and more clear that I can not sustain doing what is going to be asked of me to do. My schedule becomes and one closing shift after another and apparently all at Returns. They also didn't give me all the days I requested off the week after next so I will have to fight over that or call in.

Calling in isn't even a problem for me now because I have no reason to feel guilty. They aren't taking care of me, don't care how unhappy I am, so I am going to just go with what is right for me. As soon as I hear I am being offered the position at the new place, I can't surely say I am going to give my two weeks anymore. I think I may just quit right there. If that ends up happening, it might look bad to Marsh if they call to check with the store for my background. But I think if I just explain that I have to leave immediately to see family before starting the new job, I may be able to get away with it.

All this is hypothetical until I hear something, but I need a contingency plan for sanity. I need to know that this is going to be very short term because if I don't get this position, I can not see myself being where I am much longer. I am getting increasingly unhappy to a point that it is unhealthy. I will go back to my mother's place if that is what it takes, but I will not suffer doing something I hate just because it is a job that brings in money. That isn't enough for me.

Day 259: The Season

So now I am pretty much only eating fish. I haven't really read much of Eating Animals since the first week of checking it out from the library (I've even had to renew my check-out or turn it in by today) but I just have naturally phased things out. I still have some chicken and ground beef in the freezer that I will need to use, but I just haven't been relying on those meats for meals much. Instead I have the fish or will do a salad or a loaded boiled potato for dinner. Then I have the avocado (now sans-turkey) sandwiches for at work with a ton of fruit, fresh and dried, and nuts for snacks.

I ate my first passion fruit today. I assumed it would be like most fruits wherein you cut it open and eat the flesh of the fruit, but with the passion fruit it is a bit different. Inside it is just a bunch of seeds and goop and you spoon that stuff out and chow down. Really sweet and tasty and it makes complete sense that it is used in so many drinks because it naturally tastes very sugary, like nectar. The seeds are kind of odd to chew, but I couldn't find a good way to drink the goop juice around them so down they went with the rest.

I watch so much television today...it was crazy. I started with Eureka and Warehouse 13 then moved on to The past two episodes of Torchwood which finished off its season. Then it was the season premier of Vampire Diaries followed by the pilot of Secret Circle. Then Weeds, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, and Archer. I think that was it...oh! and Ringer. I watched the pilot for Ringer as well! And it is just the beginning. All this month and into the next my shows will be coming back and with it my faithfulness to television viewing domination. Wherever there is a show of quality to watch, I will be there. Wherever there is a guilty pleasure factor without being too traumatizing (Jersey Shore is too much for me), I will be there. And wherever there are kick ass characters who are multifaceted and flawed and showing a full arc of growth, I will be there, watching and enjoying and annoying everyone around me to get on it!

Day 258: Nonpracticing Penny Pincher

No go on a call from the company I interviewed with on this day. I am really needing that call to make me feel like I got this shit under control at work. I don't like these passive aggressive maneuvers against me that I have no way to combat without causing serious issues and jeopardizing my employment and recommendation status. But I try not to think about that on this, my first of two consecutive days off.

I do things like grocery shopping and calculating expenses with a kind of half hearted budgeting style; I simply don't feel the money focus right now like I have in the past. Right now it is about getting out of this routine that has a good percentage of suck and any change from that would most likely be a beneficial fiscally as well, so I am not trying to worry about the money bit right now. I bought some fresh juice from Central Market and a lavender soda to try and I feel good about those little splurges that make for some excitement amongst the routine.

I also got my Birch Box and not a moment too late, it included a lip moisturizer just as I am running severely low on my old one. I have been scratching my lips trying to get at the last concave vestiges of balm, but now I am saved with this new moisturizer. I nice smelling perfume (though I don't wear any), a funky packet of nail decals, and a hand sanitizer made for a nice mix of things I can actually try with some probable success. Yay for a day off well spent with equal parts relaxation and adult duty doing!

Day 257: Dicking Around

Going into work is an activity devoid of joy in and of itself. Today it was compounded by them officially trying to fuck with me. I was not allowed to cashier in garden, instead banished to the little hell that is Returns. I had one of the head cashiers come over, one of the newer ones who tries that little bit too hard when he sees how pissed off I can get, who wanted to share with me why I was not going to garden. I told him I knew why, but he continued to explain that the head of the front end wanted me inside because of my scores. These scores are dictated by whether customers say good thing about you on our survey.

I know not much at all has been said about me because I refuse to point out the damned things to customers as it is not my prerogative to sell myself to these people but rather to get them in and out of the store with the maximum amount of efficiency and the minimum amount of bullshit as is best for all parties involved. So essentially, the reason this head cashier gave me, while probably being the reason he was fed, it really bullshit. The only thing that has happened that could cause such a dramatic change is the complaint filed against me by that jilted twat of a male specimen who can apparently succeed in starting shit with baseless bitching.

The idea that my scores would get better inside, especially at Returns, is just beyond false. The idea that I am going to do any type of good inside where I don't want to be is false. The idea that everyone else who are being misplaced in garden and don't want to be there, that they are going to suddenly enjoy it and look forward to coming to work to be out there, is false. I told one of my fellow cashiers, one of those who had been sent outside against his will, I told him about the incident. He told me that it made sense that it was me because one of the head cashiers let slip that he had to be out there because I was not allowed to be. The head cashier then promptly said he shouldn't have told the cashier that, but it was solid confirmation of what I already knew. This place is a logic-less void and is no place for a sensible girl like me to hang around.

Day 256: Sick Sleep Day

Written at 11pm on 9/13/11:

I had to call sick into work today. The two hydrocodone I took were no match for the horrific pains of my super-period. I tried to even soak in a warm bath but I was falling asleep in the tub so I laid back down and squirmed in pain for another hour or so. It was almost 1AM before I was able to fall asleep. Then I woke up this morning at 7, as I am want to do despite working the later shift, and I knew immediately that I needed far more sleep than the few hours before work were going to afford me.

It surely pissed them off, and I have no sick time to use for it since I am already planning to use my remaining time two weeks from now during my hopefully last week of work, but I had to do it. I finished season 1 of Community with Sandra in the morning and then started a pattern of trying to use the slow slow slow internet and falling asleep while waiting for things to load. I pretty much slept the day away, but it hasn't stopped me from feeling exhausted now as I am preparing to fall asleep for the night.

There hasn't been much food eating going on today either, so that may account for some of the low energy. It isn't uncommon for me not to eat much during the first few days due to pain, but I haven't been in much pain today, just the fatigue. I will have to get it together tomorrow, though. And hopefully I wont be the only one and we will finally get internet back. This shit is getting ridic. No, it is already ridic and is heading towards me just calling some other internet service and getting them in here, damn whatever bullshit contracts the other housemates hooked us in to. If I can't connect and use it, it is shit.

Day 255: Your Mom's

So plan to sleep at night via the aid of hydrocodone did not actually succeed. I didn't wake up in the middle of the night in pain, but I did wake up. Frequently. For no discernible reason. Then I got to hear how obvious my restless sleep was by my co-workers and customers. Fun! Plus working Returns for four hours. Then the other fours hours were filled with uterus pains and the heat of outside. Trading one ill for another.

Sandra had a bad phone interview experience, so after work we went to get greasy burgers. She picked a place downtown, and being that it was just after five, it took about 30 minutes to get to a place 10 miles away. We ended up at Your Mom's burger bar where all the burgers are named after famous people, seemingly all dead. I had the Frida Kahlo consisting of chorizo, guacamole, and a lot of goopy runny shit including a whole fried egg. It was so messy but yummy so I could deal.

Then Sandra wanted a milkshake so we went to P. Terry's and got a pair of those before heading home. That was three or so hours ago and I am still hella full. Oh, I should mention that I took a hydro before leaving for burgers and felt fairly pain free and relaxed by the time we got home. Now I am a sleepy one, but I am still struggling to get to websites with the crawling internet since our real one still hasn't been put back. If I get tired enough I will give up...but not yet!

Day 254: Portions

I need to type this moderately fast as I have ingested one (1) hydrocodone pill in anticipation of cramping pains. I am a week late and can't be sure it is yet to be upon me aside from the faint tingles in my legs and a dull ache at times in my uterus area. One pill even used in vain wouldn't be much of a travesty, though. It will make for hopefully dreamless sleeps as the past few night's dreams have been fairly ridiculous. I can't even remember the details but for the fact that I think they are dumb directly when I wake up and wish I could have rested instead of spent energy being in them.

Time is simultaneously moving slow and fast, but mostly slow. I was things to speed up and then I want my time away from work to be forever. Like today I got home from work and it seems like it took forever to settle down enough to have Sandra come in to watch some Community. It actually did take several hours. Between showering, eating, and browsing the internet (slow, slow, slow!), it was a long process to go through before I was willing to have someone sit in my room with me for an extended amount of time.

I am being really good about food. I eat the nut and fruit mixes based on their serving size, I eat apples and figs, I put avocado on my whole grain sandwich with turkey, I eat fruit popsicles. And I go to bed hungry. I am not enjoying the last bit, but I feel like I am always hungry eating this healthy way. How do people do this forever? How do they pair it with working out? Maybe it is because I am about to start that I feel so low energy and hungry, I don't know. I will keep that in mind when I feel like eating everything I own in a night.

Day 253: Couch (Bed) Potatoes

A laying in bed kind of day off. I tested the limits of the unstable, unsecured internet connection we have until our actual internet is to be reconnected on Monday. Instead of streaming shows for Sandra and I to watch, I had to resort to downloading in order to avoid ridiculous queuing times and audio glitching that is caused by my CPU percentage going over 20. The unstable internet made the glitching much more frequent so I would have to disconnect every time we wanted to watch something.

I had to test the waters when it came to letting Sandra know when I wanted to be alone. She wanted to keep on watching episodes of Community in my room when I was already settling in to my wind down for sleep. I don't think it was too awkward, but it is easy for me to just say yes to everything while the other person is much more limiting and I almost just went ahead with her "one more episode" request, but I didn't think it was a good pattern to start. I need my good few hours of lone time before sleep to make me feel like I still have control of this monotonous life.

I am so behind on my shows so I started trying to download them as well, but said unstable internet makes for ridiculous time estimates of completion and spending most of the day watching Community with Sandra stopped me from watching the few episodes I was able to download. I will get there and hopefully before the fall shows start to come along because I have quite a few old ones and several new ones I am interested in checking out.

Day 252: Ticking Clock

I just didn't want to be there anymore. Today was spend thinking up how to best utilize my remaining two days of vacation plus one sick day. I am hoping for a October 1st last day that I will not be present for. I will ask for the 29th through 1st off and make sure they don't include it as my days off for the week so I will only need to work two days to make 40 for that week. The next two weeks though...I have to suffer through that shit.

I've been telling the "Spurned Lover" story to everyone so to beat any stream of gossip that may like to proliferate through the store. The general consensus is that I should have been clear in how I knew the customer so his possible motivations would be equally clear. Then again, I don't really give two shits as long as I am actually offered the job next week and know my days are definitely numbered. Let that douchebag walk up while I am working or better yet, still doing my crosswords when we are slow which is more often than not now.

The promise of more money is making my fiscal mind reel with possibilities. Of course, they mainly lie in saving and paying off my vehicle faster, but there is some flexibility with things of this nature. Sometime I really want to get out of this house, but the newness of Sandra's move in and all the comfort-ability of living with someone who know your personality really well and how to deal with it, is kind of pushing that to the backburner. Who knows how long that will last, so everything will remain flexible and I will not take on anymore monthly payoff obligations without thinking long and hard about it.

Day 251: A Light Tunnel is Born

Written at 10:45PM on 9/8/11:

I am feeling much more relaxed now after getting a hold of someone at the company I interviewed with last week. They have put all hiring on hold but expect to get a hold of me, as they are indeed interested in me, by mid next week. Then they will start the background check which can take up to two weeks. So while I have to stay longer doing the inane shit I am doing now, it is looking promising that I will not be staying there long. So even if this drama goes the bad way, it doesn't really affect me as long as I stay attentive to the situation enough to get out before it goes down.

This was a different kind of day off, the first one with Sandra as my roommate, though I called in the other day and I suppose that was technically a day off as well. But this day off was a mix of going shopping for specific items with Sandra, calling in to the new company to try to get some answers, and downloading manga. I have limited internet access now, the kind of limited based on the siphoning of internet from unsecured networks with obviously more than one user on the line. So I am still reading a lot more manga than I am catching up on my shows or doing much of anything else high speed necessary.

The housemate dynamic is coming into form, some bonding occurred tonight with the four of us chatting about our days and Kristie telling her hilarious tales of teaching and general day-to-day. Ran was quite a bit tipsy and was therefore significantly more humorous and easier to get a reaction out of. I left the three to watch their terrible Jersey Shore show and from the sounds filtering through the thin structures that make of the edges of my room, they seemed to be having fun. Though they called me a party pooper for leaving. I just can not and shall never be able to endure that pointless show.

Day 250: The Pettiness of Men - Shit Gets Real

Written at 10:45PM on 9/7/11:

You know that "Haha! Reality like a movie!" fit I had the other day about the one time "date" guy going psycho and complaining about me at work? Totally not the basic whinefest I initially assumed it was. My ass got taken into a room with a manager and a witness and I was made to tell my version of events. I then had to write said version of events in a statement. I omitted the personal involvement with the customer but did try to express that this was a customer I "have a history with" to the ASM.

Total bollocks, to be honest. The dude is trying to say I was doing a crossword and refusing to help him. Yes I had a crossword that I put down and did not touch again until he and all the other customers going through my line had been helped, but because management can't understand such basic concepts like being able to help people and in the lulls having some personal respite, it is an apparent shit storm. One of the cashiers knew about me "getting in trouble" before I did because some drama twit at the service desk was saying she didn't know if there would be anyone for my 11:30 shift. Like I was going to be fired on the spot.

The other service desk regular caught me printing out some fresh crossword puzzles and came out with this gem "I wouldn't do that because you got in a lot of trouble the other day". Like...wouldn't I be the one who knows how much trouble I got into? So far I have seen none of this so called trouble. Whoever was next to the service desk when all this shit was going down, perhaps the customer went straight to them, they worked it up to a degree that does not correspond to its actual severity. Instead of saying any of that though, I told her I didn't care, that the guy had a vendetta against me because I didn't contact him again after we hung out once. That seemed to penetrate the bullshit film a bit. Ridiculous gossip environs, for real.

Day 249: Wishful Thinking

Written at 9:15PM on 9/6/11:

Well, I thought I was going to hear something today on the job front. I even called in sick from work because I could tell the anxiety over it was going to be all encompassing if I didn't. But nothing came. It is the general consensus that I can call tomorrow to inquire, but it doesn't seem like a good sign if they haven't tried to call me about a position that starts on Monday. But I do so want it to be true that I keep thinking about how well the interviews went and invent possible scenarios as to why I haven't heard anything yet.

The rest of the work week is now going to look like work. day off. work. day off. work possible last day. That would be awesome. No, awesome is an understatement. I would be elated if that was how the rest of the week went. Even the whole internet debacle would fail to phase me. I wouldn't have to endlessly quote The Smith's "Please Let Me Get What I Want" ad naseum, and everything would be right and just in the world.

This eating healthy thing is having me constantly hungry, snacking on stuff throughout the day (all healthy) and feeling really tired really early. Like I needed to write this now because I could have just fallen asleep at 9PM no problem. Then again, I am also waking up still really early. This false correlation between eating habits and energy I fully acknowledge and realize could be a product of oncoming woman painage. When have logical explanations stopped me from bitching about unrelated matters, though?

Day 248: The Pettiness of Men

Written at 9:45 PM on 9/5/11:

Holy awkward moment of the year! Okay, so they fed us at work today and instead of just satisfying myself with my standard one cheeseburger, one hotdog with chips and some cookies if I am still hungry, I overindulged. By overindulge I mean that thirty minutes later, towards the end of my lunch, I realized I was really still hungry instead of the false hungry that can happen when you eat faster than your body can process the food intake. Having believed I properly assessed my actual hunger, I allowed myself another cheeseburger and handful of chips.The fullness was immense as was my fatigue and general whininess for the next hour while cashiering. At the tail-end of this uncomfortable way of being I the awkwardness began.

I have been blocking one side of the registers outside to try and ensure people don't come up behind me. Especially when I am busy, I don't like the idea of a customer sneaking out simply by walking behind the registers. Most of the time the customer's intent is just to cut across to get inside the store, but it is a real design flaw to allow them to essentially come behind the registers. It ruins the illusion that we have a certain status as workers versus every other body there. So the first bit of awkward was the realization someone was talking to me as they popped up from behind...where I had blocked off the entrance. Then was the realization that it was Stuart, the dude from that one time a few months ago who I hadn't talked to since and have as of yet still not read his last correspondence.

He was holding this one metal part I had never seen before and I was understanding that he couldn't find anymore of those but needed more, but I was covering my mouth with my crossword puzzle in classic Dual Thinking 101. I think I said I had no idea what they piece was and he responded with something somewhat biting so that pissed me off and I responded with an equally terse "I get that" but immediately called over the intercom like I needed to. In the meantime I did not want to talk to him though and made myself busy seeking out the customers that for the first time that afternoon were not wanting to line up at the register. After a few minutes though, I tried to get ahold of someone for him again in a different way to no avail. I tried one more time on the overhead and practically tackled the first Garden associate to get him away from me.

Some minutes later one of the DMs was fluttering around my register which I found rather odd since none of them come out there if they can help it - even on a relatively nice day like today. Once my line went down he let me know that the immature little fuck complained about both me and the Garden associate I pawned him off on. I explained that I tried to get a hold of an associate in several way and let the customer know each time what was going on. Total truth too, I made sure to tell him what I was doing, I just didn't look at him much and tended to other customers since it is my job and all. It all felt so fictional, this scenario of some dillweed coming in an stirring shit for the sake of it. The whole time though, I was thinking how much writing fodder was being born.

Day 247: In Flux

Written at 10:45 PM on 9/4/11:

I haven't been getting to or staying asleep very well the past few nights. Since the interview day, I have been waking up earlier than I would if I was working my 7:45 shift, and being that I worked that shift today, waking up early when I had trouble falling asleep makes for a tired evening. Normally, I wouldn't be very phased, just turn over and turn on the computer to browse my sites. But without the internet my life activities have been reduced significantly.

Also, Sandra was moving in today so I knew it would be a long one with work and inevitably helping her with all her things. I had to go grocery shopping as well. I could put it off no longer, but wasn't even a half way done before I realized I was selecting meats (albeit of the healthier fish and turkey variety) instead of trying to phase them out like I was planning. Instead of putting them away though, I convinced myself that it was phasing them out to go to leaner meats and fish first. I haven't even been reading Eating Animals lately and I ate Wing Stop yesterday and Whataburger today. Oh, the logic!

I had to stay for a bit after work to be talked at about the new scheduling system my store is going to start implementing starting in October. The schedules will be made by a computer and it factors in all the departments you know to make the hours forecast. I really wanted to leave on time so when I got the call while in the breakroom about to leave I just wanted to yell "I am not going to be here when this goes into affect, I may not be here another week"! But I couldn't. So I just bit my tongue and let the manager talk at me about something I hopefully will never see.

Day 246: Checking Underwear

Written at 10:30 PM on 9/3/11:

Day three without internet in the home. I can check most of my sites at work but with the restriction of no NSFW material and most videos. Essentially, it blows. Blows so bad that I have spent the past few days reading my through my manga bank. So bad that I was reduced to helping Brie with her move out if only to ensure she...moved out. So bad that during said move out challenged myself to eat 48 egg shaped piece of gum. I succeeded to much adulation and a frightening looking black tongue.

In the morning I went for my second dose of laser hair removal, this time done by a somewhat spicy Latina lady who just had me disrobe right there on the spot to assess my skin tone. I had been put on the laser for the dark skin tones last time despite me rating myself as a mid-tone gal, but this lady didn't agree with that choice and had me move to the one for the lighter completions. She didn't admire my shaving job, an admittedly shoddy one done late at night after work yesterday, so she shaved me again herself.

She was friendly, all was light and humorous and I felt like my more burning reaction the laser on this second go around was a bit more comforting than the first time. It may seem odd, but I want to feel like something is happening and I didn't the first time until some of the hair started falling out. When I got home and stripped down I noticed it. The blood stain on the underwear I had chosen. I normally don't wear underwear anymore so I didn't think about it very hard this morning - no red or black so I went with the first blue that I saw and didn't even think to look them over. But apparently the laser made me bleed a little too, so I got over the embarrassment after awhile.

Day 245: Anxiety Breeding Bitch

Written at 10PM on 9/2/11

I am sleepy at only 10pm because I woke up at the literal buttcrack of dawn (only half literal). I decided to take a shower even though that wasn't in the original plan, but I figured having my hair down for the interview would look nice and do well for overall presentation. I was realitively calm getting to the place with minor difficulty parking and finding the office in amongst quite a few other companies, but I made it as far as the door and realized it was locked.

There was an intercom next to the door but I was being a bit chicken shit to use it so I just waited for the people at the desk to see me which didn't take to long. Signed a document, tried to lay out my hand so my palms could dry, and then I was ushered into a room with two women. They asked me the more standard interview questions, "describe a time you used your skills to calm an upset customer or co-worker", that type. It went well and they passed me off to the Vice President. She seemed to like me too, asking more casual questions like if I had any writing experience I could declare considering the writing intensive nature of the job.

Then it was the final meet with the President. My one hiccup occurred when he asked who interviewed me and I could not remember the names of the first two ladies and he kept saying the name of the Vice President as I was trying to explain who they were. I knew the Vice President's name, but only because I was glancing at it from the waiting area in between all those interviews. I don't remember names first off unless I associate them with something or they are unique. I remember the Secretary was Diane and who I assumed was the personal Secretary of the President was Lucretia. So I don't know how badly that affected my chances and I don't know when to expect to hear from them. It has made me a pissy bitch all day. I am surprised a customer didn't make a complaint.

Day 244: Senoritis-like-ness

Written at 11:30PM on 9/1/11:

How can the weather be technically cooler yet feel so much more uncomfortable today? Could it be because I am officially suffering from something akin to senoritis. I am over this place and feel overly confident about getting the new job even though I don't have the interview until tomorrow morning and to be that sure of anything could definitely be called premature.

But if I don't get it after all this good vibing, good omening business and I have to resign myself to more indefinite spans of time doing what I am doing, I will surely end up worse off in the end for almost getting something and failing in the end. You know that saying about it is better to have loved and lossed than to have never loved at all? That phrase never rang true to me, in relation to love, or really in anything else. If you don't know about something you can't miss it and you can grieve at its absence.

The intention with such whimsical sayings is to validate the memories and growth from such ultimately unsuccessful relationships, but the reality is still a period of sucky suckdom that can make for highly unproductive states of mind all while you are in the prime of your youth and could be actually out doing something. So yeah...I best get this job or the fall out could be something to behold.

Day 243: When You Are Looking

Written at 10:30PM on 8/31/11:

I was slipping and sliding in that abyss pool of helpless, hapless stuckitude, starting off the morning with a visit to the job sites to hunt down some surely unfit and/or unresponsive prospects, when my phone rang. I let it "Call from..." expecting the next word to be "Mom", but it read out a number instead. A 512 number which meant someone in Austin who I didn't know wanted to talk to me and the likelihood of it being a job opportunity was slightly higher than it would have been if I hadn't been whoring my resume around like a cheap tart.

It was a lovely lady from a well known company (I didn't realize how well known until later) asking for a phone interview to be scheduled. Since it was my only weekday off, I had to do it today so she set it to 3pm which gave me sufficient time to be anxious for half of my supposedly relaxing day off. The interview actually went well. She told me I had applied for another position but even though it had been filled she thought I would be good for this other one. I read up on the position prior to the interview and I saw nothing about it that I couldn't do so I was A-OK with that.

She laughed at all my little witticisms and made me feel comfortable enough to avoid too many rambling, word-blank moments that I am like to fall into when anxious and being expected of brilliance. Set schedule with weekends off, more money plus more opportunity of money on top of that, full benefits. Kind of awesome, really. So she told me to take two assessment tests sooner rather than later so she could set up an in-person interview for next week since the training classes for the position start the 12th. She liked me alright enough to pull my resume and I should have done fine with the assessments, they were fairly basic, so I am being a bit foolishly optimistic again. I just want out of what I am doing and am ready for something new and challenging!