Day 184: Ennui

Waking up to an alarm and immediately thinking that you shouldn't have to get up, you got the day wrong, you want to sleep in more...not a good mindset to start it off. And then at the end of the work day when I was taking a load of trash across the store I fell into the mode of thinking that is becoming more and more frequent lately of dwelling in misery. The misery of working a job that fulfills zero goals in my life. The misery of being so unhappy that only fictional stories numb my brain from thinking about it but also stops me from working on things that could perhaps get me out.

I could work on cover letters, sure. But when I have two days off I spend them watching television, not writing cover letters. I think I am afraid to even try. Or I'm just that lazy and feel I am entitled to opportunities I'm not. Whichever.

Then I thought of the work "ennui" and I realized how accurately it describes my affliction. I am suffering from a horrible case of ennui. I suppose to some degree I have been afflicted for a long time or I would not be the notorious television addict that I have become, but now there is no "after high school and start college" or "after college and move away". There is no definite timeline, no mark ahead that could even signify a turning point. Even if the others didn't work out so well, it is a comforting to plot a point on the horizon and know there will be change.