Day 212: Flip The Cart

The pacing of this day was very off. I woke up 45 minutes before I needed to wake up (5:15AM) from annoying cramps, but I knew I was going to be cramping so I didn't even bother with the trying to sleep through the pain bit and went straight for the drugs and back to bed. That was an uncomfortable 45 minutes of sleep and then I had to act like I wanted to be at work/be fairly sociable.

At store meetings I usually leave an hour in to go to Bookkeeping, but now that the part-time Bookkeeper is fully trained, that wasn't necessary. Instead I got to fitfully look at my phone clock for over an hour while having to listen to a manager talk about Front End business. I was literally planning how I would drive home and sleep for a few hours before coming back to work, down to how long I could sleep before needing to wake up and even setting the alarm on my phone. And I did just that.

I got almost three hours in and went back to work fairly irritated at the world because I had just woken up, just woken up hot and uncomfortable, just woken up hot and uncomfortable when it had been agreed upon by the two people currently residing in this house (me and Ran) that the temperature would not deviate from 76 degrees but somehow read 77 degrees.

That irritation got trumped though with one unexpected incident. A customer bought four bags of top soil and as he was exiting the alarm went off so I called out to stop him. He acted like he couldn't hear me at first but when I moved forward a bit I suppose he figured he couldn't get away without acknowledging me and turned around. I explained that I just needed to bring the cart back and see why it went off, grabbed the flat cart and started to do that, even asking if the alarm went off on him when he entered the store as that sometimes happens depending on what the customer is bringing in.

Instead of answering me and before I could get within visual view with the security camera, he tried to take the cart. When I didn't let go immediately he grabbed my wrist. My instinct was to hold on to the cart and lean away from him thus tipping the cart and its contents over. I figured if whatever he was trying to take was hidden on the cart then he wouldn't be able to pick it up after that. Well, it pissed him off I guess because before leaving he cursed me out and, while picking up one of the bags of soil said "Fine! You want it so bad...!" and ripped the bag open, dumping the contents on the ground. If I had not been at a loss for words I could have mentioned how all he just did is just destroy his own property. Or I could have thanked him for stealing from us today.

Day 211: Light Reading

What do I like to do at midnight when I need to wake up in five hours? Well, I do enjoy me some light autopsy reading. I just watched the HBO Documentary There's Something Wrong With Aunt Diane which started this renewed documentary kick I have been on. I knew before watching it that the film would feature some photos of Diane's body so I do what I do and tried to analyze the injuries that I could see.

But only an autopsy can tell you what you can't. So off I went to reading. The problem is, and always has been for me who only tends to read these things every once in a while, that I don't have the vocabulary of a medical examiner. Therefore, in another tab I have searches for term definitions. That makes the reading that much more lengthy, but also makes a bit more sense.

Sometimes I wish I studied for whatever degree is necessary to be a medical examiner but then I remember that I don't have a great general love for math and science and I also hate to study unless it is the bits that interest me. In other words, I probably wouldn't have gotten far. But I know I am one of the few who can look at death and instead of asking the cosmos "why?" would rather discover the "how?". Not to make this a faith vs. science thing, but I do think that explains, at least in part, my lack of need for religion in my life.  

Day 210: A Little Red Rope Bondage

I went out tonight to support a family friend who was showing his photography at a coffee shop down the street from my house. His wife is the aunt of my father's girlfriend but we all just call her Aunt G. regardless. I suppose I was primarily going to see her because her husband isn't the type to be very warm to people and when we had visited in the past it was never with an intense focus on his interests so interaction with him was minimal.

But I have been familiar with his work and knew it was of the nude variety. The collection of photos on displays were from a handful of photographers, all with the theme of bondage, more specifically Shibari - the Japanese art of bondage. There were some pretty good pictures in the mix I must say though talking to the artists kind of ruined it. When I decided I liked some quality of a photo it wasn't but five minutes later that I met the man who took it and was disappointed by his ignorance, his wayward and unwarranted attraction, or his equally unwarranted interest in me as a model.

It was flattering to be asked if I was model in a room full of these tiny things that were blatantly so, but I know my face and it doesn't like to be set in a still. Of course when I tried to explain just that I got one guy saying he could get the good out of me and all this talked up photography stuff. So with the next I mentioned I rather like the behind the scenes aspects of film and photography. That gets me gifted a few feet of rope by an envoy for one of the photographers who really, really, digged something about me and apparently has so sense of subtly or recognition of pushiness and/or creepitude.

Day 209: Productivity

I am feeling a bit better, perhaps more proactive if not optimistic. I've spent a good portion of the day writing cover letters and sending out resumes...and watch The Wire. I am going to finish the series up by the end of the night which thrills me as much as it makes me wonder where I go to next. Perhaps Boardwalk Empire since it has a few of the same cast members or Luther which feature Idris Elba who is mighty fine.

Just a week and a half before my vacation commences and it like a distant finish line in a desert. Or you know, somewhere that is very hot. Here works. Actually it seems we may get a bit of that moisture from the sky action in the next few days with the arrival of Tropical Storm Don. I just refer to him as "Draper" because I miss Mad Men and also because it makes the impending moisture that much more sexy. That is an important quality in a tropical storm, no doubt.

I walked outside to throw something in the recycling bin and realized I hadn't walked out of the house in over 24 hours, though I suppose I did yesterday to get the mail. Still, minimal exiting of house which seemed sad at the time but now feels just right. Going out is overrated. I mean, I kind of wanted some Wing Stop but I can go on a day when I am already forced outside in the blistering heat. Tomorrow works.

Day 208: Locations

Can you enjoy a day off if you spend it trying to find work? Trying to find work in conjunction with dreading going back to the job you have? I have even considered going back to the Fort Worth area just to try a different venue for searching. It isn't like I am particularly attached to Austin after these seven months, anyhow. And at least I have people there that know me...some even say they love me...and my dogs.

Now that the idea has cropped up in my noggin I know it will be my go-to security so I better get some better luck soon or I will make moves to drop what I have here and go back. Go back in order to go forward. Never thought I would ever see the logic in that. This day to day here just isn't going to hold up for me in the long run. Or the short run, really.

I figure anything is just a temporary until I can find a way overseas though. I just want to learn another language, see something completely foreign and feel myself change in the midst of it. I looked into that as well with results varying to seemingly intended to be impossible to possible but long processes that I will try anyway because...what wont I try at this point? I should give myself more credit - I haven't started turning tricks on the corner.

Day 207: Every Fucking Day Of My Life

Some people self medicate with drugs. I self medicate with television, books, kanji, and now crossword puzzles. The day flew by as I stood (leaned heavily against the register) and worked on a few crosswords. It makes the harsh reality of where I am that much harsher when I have to pause in my scribbling to ring up a customer.

Despite all my bitching though, I realize I have it better than others. I was softly crying at 11 last night while watching the documentary Every Fucking Day Of My Life. I read the synopsis of a woman and her son being sentenced to 10 years and 5 some-odd-years of jail for killing their husband/father and I thought "Well, as far as killing someone that isn't that bad". But when you watch the movie and see the evidence of how horrific a person?...thing?...that dude was, it just seems so wrong that these two people who were finally able to escape are just sent to another jail. At least one that is more humane.

Through that movie rec. I have been downloading documentaries galore and can foresee what a portion of my next two days, my days off, are going to look like. Nothing is better than a well done documentary, better than any fictional story and hells know I love me some fiction.

Day 206: IRL

An odd thing happened today. I was in front of the drinks, fronting them as I do throughout the day for the dual purpose of showing the product and cooling off a fraction of an amount in the heat. An older woman asks if I can help her so I turn around and see her and two children tailing behind her. I immediately think the little girl looks familiar but I am too busy answering the woman's question to analyze what I am thinking. As soon as they start to walk away, following my instruction to go inside to Returns, it begins to click.

Some years ago I read a few online journals on a regular basis. Even today I still read a few, just daily life accounts of strangers, though strangers that I find interesting for their lifestyle or personal voice. Back in my first years of college though I read one by a woman who had three children, the youngest two born premature with the youngest suffering from continuing health problems and classified as a micropremie. Two or three years ago now though the young girl went to the hospital with complications which the mother blogged about with pictures and the whole lot. Then after an uncharacteristically length of time without a new post I discover that the mother got arrested.

The little girl would get better and then unexpectedly worse with tests indicating septic material. So the hospital staff set up a camera in the girl's room and captured the mother taking fecal matter from the girl's diaper and inserting it into her PIC line. She got arrested then bailed then arrested again for having children near her (not her own though she probably saw them as well since her husband and her parents apparently support her) and will not be serving 25 years. I had completely forgot she had lived in Austin though.

The realization hadn't fully come into focus yet so I watched as they walked away and the little boy just so conveniently turned around for a moment in which time I was able to confirm he was indeed the brother of the little girl. Then I was kicking myself for not paying attention to them to see how they were doing, especially since the last thing I had seen on the little one had been her bruised and unhappy in the hospital, pictures her mother had taken no less.

When I got relieved for break some fifteen minutes later I took it as fate that I ran into them again, the kids now in one of our car carts and made a point to say hello. They both gave shy hellos and I helped their grandmother some more, lingering longer than was absolutely necessary (just making sure Returns did okay by her) just to watch the two siblings talk and play and act like loving family members. Normal kids. It was a relief to see. I can't imagine what the full reality must be, what those kids are told about their mother, what they remember themselves, but they sure seemed to love each other.

Day 205: Busy Work Sunday

A busy day makes it go by quick. Also makes feet hurt (though that could be four straight days of working) and lots of sweat droplets itching their way down all my awkward crevices. Yeah, enjoy that mental picture. I didn't much enjoy the reality. Everything was a concerted effort, with an attempt at perfect time management to be the most efficient bee I could be.

It makes for short idle conversation which is just as well to me since I have forgone the kanji in the heat for sudoku in the heat. I have memorized the first 100 kanji and the plan was to memorize how to write them, but that is a harder logistic task than I thought. With the katakana and hiragana alphabets I just jotted them down from memory with a grid of the vowels on one side and the first letter consonants on the other. With the kanji though I would need to have a paper already labeled with the English meaning that I would then fill. A paper I would have to make. That is kind of awkward work to do while cashiering so I moved on to the little sudoku puzzled one of my co-workers has been giving me.

I makes me the least attentive out of the three activities of reading, memorizing, and playing sudoku. I don't like getting interrupted in the middle of figuring something out while being interrupted while reading or looking at flash cards is much easier to pull away from and engage a customer in spite of. Doesn't mean I am going to give it up. I have an especially tricky one befuddling me at the moment where all the rest have been easy old school to me.

Day 204: Self Annoyance

I wish I lived alone. I wish I had another job, one that made decent money but also one that made me happy. I wish I wasn't waiting to hear back about a job that wont give me more money and would probably be only a little less torturous than what I do now. Now I worry I wont even hear back about it, that someone else got the job over me despite my experience. If I can't get that job, how can I expect to get anything better than what I am doing?

What leg up did my degree grant me? I have seen zero fiscal benefit since graduating and it isn't for a lack of trying on my part. But if I got one of those good jobs then I'm sure I would just end up feeling stifled and stuck in Austin. One of the benefits of being deemed worthless by the greater consumerist companies seeking employees is that I have the illusion of options. I can try at many things, everything, and there is always the inkling of potential that I could get it.

It just has as of yet not been the result. So I continue on the vicious cycle of not making cover letters thus not sending in applications because I am "procrastinating" by watching television shows (it is very important to stay up to date!) all the while knowing if I don't apply I can't even hit that seemingly illusive potential of success.

Day 203: Sleeping In

I could have slept in today. Light was just starting to stream in through the space between my heavy curtains and the top of the window sill and I was completely ready to turn over as I do and fall back asleep. But then I felt it. That intense "full bladder" feeling you can't ignore as hard as you try so you have to convince yourself to get out of bed to relieve it. And I did - on the condition that I would remain groggy, unthinking enough to facilitate easy reentry into sleep.

Pulling a blanket to cover my nakedness in case one of the other housemates was crazy enough to be up so early, I took one step out of my room and heard an immediate "meow" plea from the cat who wants to be fed early in the morning. Not my job so I sidestep her and go into the bathroom, only halfheartedly shutting the door behind me. So a few second later I hear another meow and have cat rubbing up on my calves as I take a long piss. Like really long.

But I am still dedicated to the plan and trip back into bed, closing my eyes and getting comfortable with the ease of a half awake person. Then it happens, that inexplicable thought that leads to another thought and another and ultimately ends with me realizing I am not going to fall back to sleep because I am actively thinking and not sleeping and there is now no turning back. No turning back but sufficient turning over and turning on the computer as is my routine when first waking.

Day 202: Writing and the Vessel

I want to so good a writer that how I look and talk seems completely opposed to what I write. When I watch George R.R. Martin talk it just baffles me how this little troll man can write these many and varied characters. It is to the point that I at times consider that he is just a front for another person who actually writes the book, but then I can't picture anyone who would fit the "look" of someone who can write the bald scheming eunuch Varys and then the pure, honor bound Brienne. And mind you, neither of those characters are black and white bad and good. They are both very flawed and very gifted.

My reading of A Dance with Dragons is slow going. At times I wish I was done so I could read all the GoT posts properly without risk of being spoiled, but I also anticipate some twists and turns that have been hinted at and I want to take my time to get there. I have elected to not use a bookmark so I try to read chapters at a time instead of just stopping where ever when ever.

One of these days I am going to stop reading/watching television and movies so much and get cracking on my own ideas. Right now though, try as I might, they don't add up to much in comparison to the Song of Ice and Fire series or even Harry Potter...hell I could probably crank out a Twilight, and at times seriously formulate the required factors that would facilitate such success. But then I remember I have integrity.

Day 201: Half a Tank of Gas

Usually waking up to a text message or a phone call would annoy me, but when I woke up to my mother texting me this morning I was grateful. I wasn't even vaguely waking up before it even though it was 10 o'clock. It is highly unusual for me to sleep that late, I usually wake up around 8 when allowed to sleep in. I needed to be on the road to Temple by 10:30 though so the time on her message woke my ass right up.

Meeting with an old friend over Chili's food went well; it is interesting to see how people grow in the time since you last knew them. We chatted for quite a while, around 2 and a half hours and then I had to rush back to make it in time for my an appointment downtown. I had to use the parking meter for the first time. Nothing too difficult about it, but it sucked that I didn't know how long I was going to be so I paid too much. You can use your allotted time in any space designated by the meter sign and I considered going down to the campus area where Sandra and I had the best frozen yogurt I have encountered thus far, but I am poor and still spending money so I decided against it.

I am very eager to know if I got the new job, especially knowing I have to work 6 days straight starting tomorrow. I guess I will get a lot of kanji time in. It doesn't look good for rain. I guess the one hour shower we got yesterday  I swore I would go to Mount Bonnell and sit in the rain if we got a decent pour, but I stayed but inside. I forget what I was doing but it wasn't conducive to getting dressed only to get wet.

Day 200: A Brief Analysis of the Surname

It honestly freaks me out to see how many people I know from High School are married, having kids or both. I know we are nearing our mid 20s but I for one do not feel much distance between my self of now and my self from high school...or even middle school, really. I know I am one of the few who had a strong awareness of self early on so I may just be talking from an unrelatable point, but I don't understand this urge to shed ones own identity. And I can't really see it for anything other than that.

Taking on another last name is something I would never want to do. Luckily, I don't want to get married either, so I don't foresee any arguments about that matter. I can't help but inwardly cringe as I see unfamiliar last names tacked on to familiar faces. I suppose I resent the perpetuation of the male name versus the woman, though the woman has the last name of her own father. Thing is, I really love my father and love what my last name and how it goes with my first and middle and how it would go with the few names for potential children I have had in my head for quite a few years.

With these potential kids names, each name references a relative with equal representation from both my father and my mother's sides of the family. I love the idea of uniting two sides with names and showing respect for those who came before us with who comes after. I just want it equal. My children will have my father's last name, and if it isn't too tragic, we can hyphenate their father's name at the end as well.

Day 199: A Day Off Well Spent Part Two

I'm all kinds of beat up from the river. I managed to pinch my hand between a cooler and the bed of a truck as I was lifting it up and to one of the other girls. My hand is sporting a delightful multi-hued splotch. While going through one of the rapids I felt as if an ant was biting me on my hip...well kind of hip/area really. When I tried to slap at it to no avail, I lifted my ass from the tube and saw this wicked scratch bleeding. I still don't know how I got it since my ass was in the tube.

Then there is the sunburn on my back. I thought I got sunscreen everywhere and I even tried to reapply while floating the river though the results were mostly wet washes. It isn't too bad a burn, it will fade into a tan within the next few days, but in the mean time it pains to wear a bra. All of it was worth it though. I laughed a lot with those girls while on the river and even after went to their True Blood screening.

We had sangria that Brie made and watched last weeks episode first since none of them were caught up. After the new episode I followed Brie to her girlfriend's house. We were going to play Chinese Checkers since the girlfriend is suppose to be really go and I use to be fairly decent. Her two roommates were there though so it made an odd number. We played Balderdash instead. I had never played the game before, and I don't know if it was the glasses of sangria, my inability to bullshit, or just my plain lack of skill, but I lost that game so hard. Like, moved only five spaces hard.

Day 198: A Day Off Well Spent Part One

As much as I like to spend my days off lounging in bed, watching television and eating only when necessary, it is nice to get out and do things. Especially when those things are unique to the Austin area. So I went tubing down one of the many river lines around the San Marcos area today with Brie, the girl she is currently interested in, and three of her friends.

I was kind of reluctant at first when we reached San Marcos and a stop at the gas station to pick up beers ended up being an hour plus of driving around trying to find a place to have a drink until 12 when beers could be legally bought at any location. I didn't know that was a law. And quite a dumb law indeed, makes no sense really. I was starving after eating a popsicle for dinner last night and nothing in a morning full with waking up and shaving before heading out.

But the ride itself was fairly mellow and awesome. I got to chat with each girl, except for Brie's love interest who was pretty wrapped up with her, and they were each very interesting and fun. One brought her dog who, bless her heart, was at times over heating with her black coat, and then when in the water, got dashed against a rocky shore by the rapids at the end of the line. One of the other girls who claims to not like dogs or water much had to jump in and grab her to keep her head above water. It was kind of intense and heroic so we let her have a smoke. The girl, not the dog.


To be continued...

Day 197: Apron Pact

The store manager went on a new apron kick this morning and got everyone he deemed in need a clean, crisp new apron. Of course, my ass who has been wearing the same apron since coming to the store in January was in need. Ah...but of course he was perfectly unawares of the private personal pact I had made with myself. That I would not get a fresh apron. That I would be gone before I would don a new one.

I think I can make it too. I have an interview on Monday for a group that is employed by my employer but they have a set schedule and travel to several different stores during the week. However, it doesn't seem like a monetary raise will be in the cards so this would only be a temporary stop for me. I will still be applying to everything I can to get some decent money in coming. I am just not digging the non-saving thing that is somehow happening as of late.

Anything is better than the bullshit that is cashiering right now. I have convince and manipulate to be put out in garden and sweat buckets. I don't understand why these head cashiers want to keep me inside when they know I don't want to, no one else wants to be outside, and it doesn't affect them who is out there just that someone is.  That is just the tip of the incompetence iceberg though, I just can't do through it all because I have better things to do. Like read. And sleep.

Day 196: Heat Can't Hurt The Dragon

I have in my possession A Dance with Dragons.

I was leaving the house on the way to work and saw it there, in its cardboard box and shoved it in the car with me, opening the package while driving as you do when you are crazy, impatient, and crazily impatient. The cover, so beautiful....and so quickly slipped off and out of harm. Good thing too with the first clumsy dropping I preformed in front of my locker as I was trying to put it up after lunch. One hardback corner is now permanently wrinkled, but I knew the book would not go unscathed in my hands.

Which takes me to hardbacks and how easy they make it to be clumsy with their bulky, awkward and heavy form. A page feel like it takes ages to read (though reading in the breakroom with a bunch a chatter surely didn't help) and there is no comfortable way to hold the damn thing other than leaning it against heavier surfaces than itself.


As to the story, I'm only the prologue and a few pages of the first Tyrion chapter in but it is exciting! And any excitement in my day filled with heat and fatigue cause by heat and mess caused by people not doing their jobs, is an excitement well appreciated. Now...I technically have the time to read but I also have the aforementioned great fatigue and the sleepiness that trails closely behind. As much as I want to hand out with the cool kids in Westeros and the Free Cities, it will have to wait for when I am less heat exhausted.

Day 195: Potter

Written around 12 AM 7-14/15:

Good thing I'm not at a midnight showing of Harry Potter's Last Stand. It is a but midnight and my energy is flagging hard. And yet here I sit in the living room, part deux-ing the review of previous Harry Potter films with Brie.

Watching the films with someone who doesn't remember them and had never read the books makes for a whole 'nother breed of entertainment. Prisoner of Azkaban featured some exclamations like "Don't let the bird die!" about Buckbeak and "Why did he do that...the only thing keeping him safe..." in reference to Harry expelliarmus-ing Snape when he still wasn't sure where Lupin and Sirius' loyalties lay.

I was able to explain book only things like who Padfood, Moony, Wormtail, and Prongs were. She seems to find those bits interesting. Now on to Goblet of Fire which I've must have seen...well, I've seen it a great many more times than the other films. Really, more than watching the movies, I am enjoying watching the special features on the DVDs.

Day 194: Musical Chairs

The new roommate situation may end up not so tragic after all. Brie told me to ask friends if they needed a room but I don't have much of what I would call friends here and I wouldn't want to live with any of them. But then I recalled my buddy Sandra in my hometown trying to find a job in a few different cities including Austin. I didn't immediately let her know about the room though because I figured since she was looking at quite a few possible cities that she wouldn't need to know about rooms yet.

When I did get around to shooting her a message though she was fairly ecstatic and set on the room. Problem was that I didn't know that Ran and Kristie are taking Brie's room and it will actually be their room that is free. Telling her that it wasn't the cool funky upstairs room but the small one across the hall was kind of a bummer, but I think it would work out better in the long run. More affordable, we would be sharing a bathroom and hopefully it would keep the couple more secluded in their own area instead of the camp they make of the living room/dining area.

I don't know how well it would go, living with a friend, but I have known this one since middle school and we have had our trials and made it through before. As long as I can have my alone time, quite at night, and clean common areas I think it will be good. I will for sure enjoy the city more with someone to make sure I get out and experience it. Of course, this is not all set in stone. We shall see what happens.

Day 193: Tripping on Travis

My knees are painin'. I totally over-did it swimming in Lake Travis today. A day that is some other reality would have had me working an nine hour day with a lunch. But no, I decided to buck against my reliability, a strong personality trait, and shirk the boredom of work for the fun of play. In order to successfully elude my duties I had to implement a plan.

I would wake up fifteen minutes before I would need to go into work and immediately call so that my sleepy voice could also pass for a sick voice. Being an individual who is adverse to lying, I used my choice phrase "I'm not going to be able to make it" and when the manager responded with "You better be really sick!" I just apologized and promised to make it up for them.

The boat ride was a sunny, breezy, splashy good time. I had a drink and some shots with the best of them. The only person who wasn't drinking was the sixteen year old daughter of one of my co-worker's cousin. Said cousin also brought kush, fake weed that will not give you a positive on a drug test. I was kind of skeptical but decided to give it a try. Shit is legit. I got the numb legs and my hand were numb enough that I was unable to open a bottle of Dr. Pepper for lack of grip. The whole day could be repeated with pleasure. Totally worth the work ditch.

Day 192: Possibilities vs. Opportunities

I keep trying to devise ways to not go to work or to make work interesting that even my days off include moments of mulling about it. I went to another store to see if they had any full-time positions but none of the managers were available to talk and I just had to leave my contact information and a note of "Anything full-time but Cashiering" to make an impression. Not that I want to stay with the company, but if I am stuck with it I want to make an attempt to do something else in the store.

Then I got my passport in the mail and I started to think about looking overseas for jobs. That got cut off by my friend who is thinking about moving to Austin saying she may be interested in taking Brie's place when she leaves at the end of August. I don't want to just peace out on my bud as soon as she gets here. So I go back to piddling through the muck of craigslist job postings.

I also think about perfecting a formula for a best selling book series and writing it, becoming famous and rich and going and/or doing whatever I want. It is completely possible. Analyzing the strength of both the Harry Potter series and the Song of Ice and Fire series is a good place to start. Unless I want to go for utter tripe best seller in which case I would need to revisit the Twilight series.

Day 191: Topic Denied

Moisture fell from the sky today. Just a little bit and not for long and only after it was a humid partly cloudy mess for the greater part of the day, but I felt it patter on my head and clothes all the same. It was a small lovely thing.

At work I got to talking to one of the newer cashiers. She is very open like myself and we quickly got to talking about such sensitive matters as friend's deaths and her own health scares. It was an interesting dialogue but not as comfortable as it could have been were we in any other place than a break room full of people. But I figured we were keeping our voice down so no worries.

The gal discovered a tampon and was joking around if anyone needed one (the room the mainly filled with boys) and I just went with my now automatic "glad I don't have to use those" which brought up the menstrual cup topic. I got one sentence into explaining how they work to her before I hear "enough!"  and looked up to see another co-worker who is notorious for being fairly testy though I have never had issue with her before. So she says her piece how no one wants to hear about that and the gal I was talking to gives the "freedom of speech" response.

A couple of guys who were between where I was talking to the new cashier and where the testy co-worker was sitting make mumblings about what a menstrual cup could be with one ultimately saying "I don't think I want to know". I immediately fire back "then there is no need to ask", but I made sure to also include before exiting that there was nothing wrong in what we were talking about, it is completely natural, only if approached in an immature manner could it be offensive. It is a shame some people are so uncomfortable with reality, especially this woman who has had a child and surely encountered far more vulgar stuff. Oh...and she was paying attention to a conversation that wasn't hers...that too. 

Day 190: How to Work It

I woke up to a text from the new part time bookkeeper. It was her first day on her own, even though she has been with the company for about at long as I have and was one of my head cashiers. So she essentially send an "S.O.S" and I help her in a sleepy kind of way but am not able to fix it without seeing what is on the computer screen.

I didn't mind it much, going into work and straight to help her out. That it took an hour was fine as well. It was that little amount of time not cashiering in the heat. I decided to push my luck with one of the managers and jokingly/seriously asked if I could follow her around for the day. That she wouldn't do but she let me shadow the Service Desk for the day which was about as good. I learned some new things, but more importantly...I spent a day without cashiering outside in the heat.


Torchwood has officially got my attention again. Finished out Children of Earth with minimal tears and some respect for the female character who has almost completely diminished it in the previous seasons. The first episode of the new series that started last night, called Miracle Day, was kind of fabulous as well. When I saw Gwen Cooper (aforementioned female lead) boss-walk up to a window while shooting a gun in one hand and holding a gleeful, smiling baby with her other, I had this surge of love that can only be captured in a .gif.

What a boss.

Day 189: Japo-Wire-Wood

If 100 kanji characters is making me go "whaaa...aaa...?" how am I going to learn the thousands that make up the Japanese language? It wouldn't be half so hard if it was just a matter of one symbol meaning one word and having one sound. Instead it is one symbol can have one to three different sounds and also mean a word which have yet another sound.

So I don't know whether I sound memorize the symbols by the English meanings first or try to do English meaning, Japanese sound and symbol. Then go back and pick up the words the symbols can stand for. Oh and then memorize how to write each character. Then again, if I keep cashiering I will have all the time in the world to not only devise the best way to go about memorizing these but also have the time to accomplish the task.


While I am writing out definitions and fouling up the copying of complex characters, I've continued to watch The Wire. I am now on season 2 and have come to understand the love for the show but only partially. The characters are good, but not truly awesome yet. I am waiting for it to become epic. Luckily, I have plenty of people's words that it will be.

I also decided to give in and watch Torchwood's Children of Earth miniseries before the beginning on the new series. I have been holding off for what must be nearly two years now because I knew who died and couldn't get over it. In fact I am watching the episode in which they die right now, just waiting for it to go down and get angry. Bur it is also true that the miniseries is pretty solid in every other matter thus far.

Day 188: Clothes, Shoes, and Music

New clothes, new shoes day. My mother mailed me things I should be adult enough to purchase for myself, but then I wouldn't have got the opening presents type feeling like I did when I saw the bottoms, tops, and pair of shoes. This turquoise tank and shorts set I have to wear in house only because it is booty popping short. But the color looks beautiful with the Orange Knockout nail polish, it is criminal to look so fashionable to bed.

Maybe it is the nail color but I felt like going out into the city after work. But here I am in my bed instead. I just don't know where I would go or what I would do out there on my own. The only person I can think to go hang out with I don't talk to so...kind of kills that.

But then I come home and find the awesome site turntable.fm and have since been sucked into the blackhole of educating the masses with good tunage. And being educated a bit as well, of course.  Though when I played "Imprint After" by Toro Y Moi and no one liked it, I lost a little faith in humanity and got the hell out of that room. I see that even in room with people of tastes similar to my own there is a prevalence to play stuff we all know and have heard a million times. I don't get that. Maybe every once in a while, but shouldn't this be more about sharing stuff rarely heard, spreading the wealth so to speak?

Day 187: Orange Knockout

I decided to give myself a treat yesterday. I had been sporting blue/teal color nail polish for the better part of a week but craving something more...loud. When I got off of work...thirty minutes late...I was fairly pissed off and ready to just say "fuck it" and go straight home.

Instead I had the presence of mind to calm my ass down and get me my sno-cone before heading up north to the nearest Sally Beauty where I bought a bottle of Orange Knockout (Neon). I tried to peruse the store like folks do, but I just am not capable of casual, leisurely inspection of wares. I like to get what I need and get out. That, and there is virtually nothing else in that store that would work for me. Extensions, flat irons, relaxers and other very bad chemicals and dyes. Nah, not for me.

Though that didn't stop me from double taking at the "We're Hiring" sign as I pulled up in front of the store. What a life to lead when any available job seems more appealing than your own. I've even had very sick thought about going back to school for whatever degree would be necessary for a coroners job. How many more years of my life do I want to give to the screwy educational system?

Day 186: Chicken...Good

Very rarely do people surprise me in ways that result in a pleasant feeling. I suppose that is because people don't usually think about others before themselves. I don't know why it happened today, why it happened at all really, but a co-worker I talk to only every once in a while (we work in different areas) thought of me when she didn't have to.

I was boring it up in garden when she came up with a box of chicken from Church's. They have a Tuesday two dollar deal that nearly everyone in the store takes advantage of. I couldn't believe it when she said it was for me. She tried to explain that she didn't get me the spicy flavor and I was talking right over her "I don't care! Thank you so much!".

It is no secret to anyone at the store that I love me some food. One of my managers jokingly called me "Mikey" one day because I "will try anything". But  more than any love I could have for food, the uplifting sentiment from being given something without even asking for it, without expecting it or it entering my frame of consciousness...very cool is a non-eloquent phrase that works. Of course I wanted to give back and thought I could get her a sno-cone, but I needed to know what flavor she would like. Unfortunately she has cold sensitive teeth so that isn't an option. Now I have to find out what she likes. This gesture will not go unrecognized!

Day 185: Summer Here Kids

Sometimes relying on music to make the day bearable is the best way to go. Since it is summer there are a few prime artists I like to listen to. Grandaddy and Metric have both been playing heavy in my car and when I can sneak some tunes on my phone at work.

I am able to maintain this kind of faux precise persona while cashiering. I interact with customers in a very formulaic way, even when it is funny banter it is easy go-to lines that just trip off my tongue without a thought. Fact is that I need it in order to function doing the same shit every day. To have this other persona do the job allows the me that hates everything I am doing to be numbed out. I notice the persona more when I am at work within an hour of waking up. That persona snaps into place fairly naturally and when I realize how effective it is (there is a moment each day when I do) I hope it wont fade as my mind wakes up.

Feeling of sluggishness in prevalent in my day-to-day now. I know it is the negative affecting me but it doesn't make it any less debilitating. The garden co-worker I chat with wants me to go with her and another co-worker for a day on the river next week, but I would have to switch days with someone to do it. I tried with one person, my best shot, but once he said no I didn't make much effort thereafter. Everything feels like an undue effort that I can't see the worth in trying sometimes. The rest of the time I see the worth, I just can't mobilize.

Day 184: Ennui

Waking up to an alarm and immediately thinking that you shouldn't have to get up, you got the day wrong, you want to sleep in more...not a good mindset to start it off. And then at the end of the work day when I was taking a load of trash across the store I fell into the mode of thinking that is becoming more and more frequent lately of dwelling in misery. The misery of working a job that fulfills zero goals in my life. The misery of being so unhappy that only fictional stories numb my brain from thinking about it but also stops me from working on things that could perhaps get me out.

I could work on cover letters, sure. But when I have two days off I spend them watching television, not writing cover letters. I think I am afraid to even try. Or I'm just that lazy and feel I am entitled to opportunities I'm not. Whichever.

Then I thought of the work "ennui" and I realized how accurately it describes my affliction. I am suffering from a horrible case of ennui. I suppose to some degree I have been afflicted for a long time or I would not be the notorious television addict that I have become, but now there is no "after high school and start college" or "after college and move away". There is no definite timeline, no mark ahead that could even signify a turning point. Even if the others didn't work out so well, it is a comforting to plot a point on the horizon and know there will be change.

Day 183: Radio Silence

So now I can almost flawlessly write out the basic hiragana and katakana alphabet. I started learning some kanji, but I will still need to go back and learn the secondary hiragana and katakana. There will be plenty of time for that during the long boring hours at work.

The idea of going to Japan for a year or so seems very appealing at times. I could actually learn something, explore a different culture, and get some proper life experience. Of course, I though moving to Austin would give me some life experience but I am still up to my introverted spending most of my time to myself. I suppose that may also be why I threw that line out to That One. A line he apparently hooked onto, though he hasn't attempted to communicate. Unless looking at one another's online presence is a form of communication.

No worries though because I refuse to do anything more than I have done. Half the time I don't want to even deal with him. The other half...well I am not really happy with how things are going here work wise, social wise...life wise. Figures I would go after something that embodies excitement (also emotional anguish, but whatever). But it is easy for any interaction with him to become self-destructive so I will maintain the radio silence as it were.

Day 182: Never Settle

Another day lounging and watching episodes of Castle. I tried to change it up with an episode of Band of Brothers and also watched the first episode of a UK show called Sirens. I only watched Sirens because one Richard Madden who plays one Robb Stark on Game of Thrones plays a gay man in the show and that was just too tempting to miss. I'm not sure what I think about the other characters an the show as a whole yet, but I will give it the three episode chance.

I have been craving something exciting, but not anticipating anything other than the normal work, eat, sleep, spend days off inside routine. Feeling trapped here like every other place I have lived which should really not be happening now that I am not tied down by school. However, here I am struggling to find another job because apparently my degree is worth shit and my experience is worth less than that. Can't help but feel kind of useless in life, destined for a life of boredom and repetition.

I asked a co-worker, the middle age female in garden I like to talk to, how long she was planning to work this job. She had no plans to do something else, was totally okay with working there indefinitely. I can't imagine ever feeling like that. I just hope that that rebellious instinct I felt upon hearing her answer will be what enables me to live the life of an adventurer rather than a caged animal.