Day 304: First Day of (New) Employment

True to form, I woke up every hour last night so when I actually needed to wake up I felt like shit. Then the stitch thing was still aching on my side. Still, nevermind that, I have a place to be awkward and new at, let's go. So I did the prerequisite too eager chit chat with the secretary as she ushered me to the break room to await the rest of the people in my training group. There are only six of us in all so it didn't take long for us all to arrive and then we were herded to the training room.

The dreaded "get-to-know-you" shit survives everywhere apparently because sure enough we had to start with that. We paired off and had to ask our partner a set of questions. Actually, my guy was really easy to talk to and it wasn't much of a chore, but I loathe standing up and talking in a formal manner so that bit kind of sucked and was uncomfortable. Second to my dislike of meet and greet activities are learning shit and share which made up a good portion of the day. One of the three trainers would cover material and then we would have to do some tedious task or another to show we both understood the concepts and could communicate said concepts effectively.

To be honest, it works. I definitely retained a lot more information than I probably would have if we had just covered the material and moved on. I didn't feel like the smartest kid in the class though, let's just say that. We left today with the promise that tomorrow would be a lot more hands on. The thing is, I don't know if that is a good thing or bad. I do know that a portion of what they are planning to cover tomorrow I have already completed on my own because I was sent a username and password and decided to take advantage of it. Hopefully that goes over well.

Day 303: Back Twinge

I think I've fucked up my back. I took the shortest nap in the existence of naps and woke up to a terrible uncomfortable tightness on my right waist up the back area. I tried to stretch it out a bit in the shower, but it just got progressively more uncomfortable as I moved around. Now I am laying down and it is feeling all painy and such. Pretty much there is no comfortable position that lessens the pain so of course I went to me go to - hydrocodone. It hasn't started working yet.

I guess the good thing about this is that I can hardly be anxious about the first day of work tomorrow when my back feels like it could break if I breathe wrong. If I'm really lucky I will wake up one big stiff and I will really impress all them at work. Honestly though, I haven't really been thinking about this whole new job thing. It is still fairly abstract and I don't know what to think of it and don't want to create things in my mind that could hype up something luckluster.

The job wins just by being a bearer of money and proper schedule and days off. That's good enough for me. The no customer service bit is a huge plus. Can't wait to not do that a lot! Okay, now it has been over 30 minutes since I've taken the hydrocodone. The pain is still fierce. I need to get to sleep tonight, dammit! This life sometimes...or rather this body sometimes... what a bitch.

Day 302: Jittery Bug

written at 11:30pm on 10/29/11:

 

Freaking coffee. Here I am in bed all internally a jangle because of coffee. I should be at rest with a relaxed breathing rythym and calm thoughts, instead I am thinking about the one who should not be thought of. I snooped and found new information about said 'one' and that ratchet of anixety combined with the coffee induced jittering made for palpitations and face flushing and the whole thiry times over physical manifestations of nervousness.

 

But at least I am not going off the deep end like it appears my eldest sister has. Hearing it through the grapevine (my eldest brother as he had undoubtably heard it from our other brother or his mother), the sister has left her husband and shacked up with a middle aged bloke who is on her running team. The past year or so my sister has become increasingly passionate about running. I myself find running to be a chore, an activity to be engaged in only when one is being chased or is in need of chasing someone down. Never for person enjoyment or fulfillment. I just chocked it up to another difference between me and this sister.

 

However, her frequent posts about the activity have quickly outmatched the posting about her children, her husband, pretty much anything and everything else. Obsession was becoming evident. Now we hear that she left her husband which in and of itself is not something unexpected or actually even discouraged since none of us ever warmed up to the guy. Then thing is, she left the kids with him. That to me is an indication that something else is going on here that must have to do with her mental state. You can't go from being all about kids and family and then drop it and that be a normal transition.

 

I write all this not to judge, because I don't really focus on matters that don't directly affect me and my own, but I do hope her kids end up okay within all this and I hope if there is something seriously wrong, my sister gets the help she needs. I naybe have never been close to her or have a thing in common with her, but she is still technically family and a human being. The latter can be more convincing of understanding and compassion than the former at times.

Day 301: Can't Always Get What You Want

written at 11pm on 10/28/11:

 

Welp, we did it. We lost the World Series for the second time in a row. Of course by we I mean those select players who have the training and have worked their asses off all year. So...yeah, it is easy to get angry or sad or what have you, but it isn't really about our disappointment. Still...kind of severely sucked. I think I had dreams about baseball last night after that tragic/epic game. Now to wait for next year to try and do it all again.

 

Mom is having issues with my impending departure. She thinks we have hardly spent any time together despite the fact that she has been off all week and I have been in the house the whole time minus one excursion with my sister yesterday. She says we haven't gone out to eat or anything, conviently ignoring the massive amount of pain I have been in the past few days due to cramps. I even threw up the other night after I finished writing about my stomach hurting. Ridiculous.

 

I am anxious to get back only because I want to settle in before Monday and the first day of this new job and my face is breaking out like crazy without the topical creme that is in my mini fridge there. I understandably didn't want to tote it all over the state, and I figured my skin could only freak out so much in a week plus time, but this is going to make for a not so cute first day. Not that that is a real priority for me. My vainity isn't a primary trait, for sure.

Day 300: Baseball

Written at 12:15am on 10/28(27)/11:

 

This is going to be all about baseball because that was the most ridiculous game I have ever watched. First off I decided I would try to explain the game to Mom. If I knew the game would be a play of errors maybe I would have decided against that. I don't know if Mom learned, as in heared and understood and retained, one fact of the game. Towards the end I pretty much shut down even though she was still inquiring about things that I had already explained ad naseum. At that point all the joy was gone.

 

Now I may upset some fellow Rangers fans in saying this, but the Cardinals deserved to win. In that I mean that we had ample opportunity to end this game and the series and to take home our first World Series win and we just didn't do it. They on the other hand met us run for run until they hit a three run deficit, ultimately tied the game up at the end of the ninth, and tied up the game again after a two run lead from us in the 10th. If it was the other way around and that had been our team, we would be besides ourselves with glee. As is evident by the Cardinal fan's jubilee.

 

In saying that, I hope this does not lead to a Cardinal win. People can say it is likely because it is a home game from them or that it is game 7 and they have always (always?!) been won by the home team. They can say it is destiny after they have come back from every set back this season and definitely fought as if they were dying men tonight. I can see how all of these things could seemingly lead to an epic victory but they still have won a World Series and we have not. We are the little team that could, second year trying. If we have to we will be the little team that could, third year trying just the same.

Day 299: Marathon (Mini-Series)

written at 8pm on 10/26/11:

 

I'm suffering from that difficulty focus kind of thing. My eyes are taking longer to open from a blink than normal, my breathing is unnaturally slow, and everything feels warm and fuzzy. I was cramping bad so I  went ahead a took two hydrocodone. Then I felt a urge for some wine and had a glass of that. Now, some two hours later I am a sleepy happy thing still needing to write my entry for the day.

 

It has been an uneventful day which was kind of a bummer since I initially wanted to go to Spiral in Fort Worth. I've never been and since it is vegan, I thought it would be nice to try out with mom. When she returned from working out this morning though I wasn't feeling very motivated and was already a few hours in to rewatching the 10th Kingdom. I decided I wanted to watch that miniseries again after watching the pilot of the new show Once Upon A Time. There are definitely some common threads between the two programs.

 

Okay, so now I am starting to feel sick to my stomach. Like I may be enjoying the homemade pizza mom made me a second time and I am not refering to a second helping. I am shaking a bit too. Did I jinx myself by believing I could escape pain by self-medicating? I just wanted to enjoy the night and then fall asleep and enjoy that too. Is that too much to ask, really?

 

Day 298: Sugar Slush

written at 11:30 pm on 10/25/11:

 

It was a sugar crash kind of day. I ate a piece of pumpkin bread for breakfast and chased it with a heaping glass of orange juice and some television. Paired that with watching a teething baby alternate between fitful sleep and precious cooing and that took us into the afternoon. Dad's girlfriend went out and got us sushi and cheese and blueberry/cranberry fizzy drink and we had lunch. I was still moderately full from the pumpkin bread and orange juice and didn't eat very much.

 

Actually, I ate okay for a normal person, but the gf noticed it was less for me and commented on it. Mom just reminded me that I was woken up by a bitch of a fly that flew up next to my ear this morning. First I woke up to dad's gf and her daughter leaving to get to school on time, but it wasn't hard to just get up and take a "in-the-dark" pee (took really long because of the full bladder plus menstrual cup positioned oddly) and then back to sleep. When the fly flew up to my ear I jolted up from the blow up matress and made a very graceless fool of myself, kind of hovering over a corner of the matress with blankets around my knees.

 

So I suppose that may have also lent to the sleepiness of the day. After lunch I tried to watch some episodes of 30 Rock with the Dad GF but went for a nap instead. I figured one hour would be good. I woke up after 30 minutes because the mother of the baby was there to pick him up. I went back to sleep pretty easy and when I woke up over and hour later, it was to an empty house and a icky hot feeling. I hate napping for that reason. I never feel good after them, just sweaty and gross.

Day 297: Dichotomy

My father's girlfriend is pagan, wiccan specifically. People call her "goddess" or "mother" or some variation of the two on a regular basis. Most of the time she comes off as fairly zen and cool headed. We were having lunch today at Golden Corral when chicken was mentioned and I proclaimed that chicken have it the worst off in terms of factory farming conditions. She surprised me by matter-of-factly stating that she didn't care what happened to chickens because they are "awful animals".

I didn't really know what to say to that. How do you respond to someone who knows they are saying something so generalized, so thoughtless, with such disregard for life? If we supplemented chicken with jews in this scenario...well, you can see what I am getting at. It was bizarre coming from someone who is supposedly so "one-with-the-earth". It doesn't affect my day-to-day interactions with her, but it is one of those seedlings that establishes itself and stays with you, mingling with the others that have bloomed from significant moment when you learn something new and unexpected from a person.

Then there was the sad moment when I overheard my friend saying that for her two year old's birthday she would be getting her and her older brother (three and a half) McDonalds. I argued a bit about this with Sandra last week. She said she would give her theoretical kids fast food because if she didn't they would be tempted by it later on a over-do it. I think that sounds fairly illogical so I totally called her on it by saying something to the effect of "oh, yeah they are going to go on a junk food binge...come on". I don't think that made her happy, but it also did not seem to penetrate the illogical reasonings she has created that would allow her to feed her theoretical kids crap for crap's sake. Nevermind it is exactly what the fast food industry wants you to do. Start them early and keep them hooked. Sounds like some other addictive product markets...

Day 296: NaNoWriMo?

Written on 10/23/11:

I was visiting my friend Sheebs today when he surprised me by asking if I was going to be doing NaNoWriMo this year. I have heard of this one month writing event many a time since I started reading fiction online in the early 2000s, but I have never participated. That's for several reasons, one being that it may be too difficult a challenge for me. This challenge of writing every day for a year isn't all that bad. It isn't too difficult to churn out some thoughts or ramblings and go to bed. However, when I started this challenge, it wasn't really my intent to have a diary.

Honestly, I wanted this to be a bit more creative than that. I wanted to be inspired by my brand new exciting life in the city, so much that plot and characters and just general awesomeness would permeate through my every pore and eek through my fingertips into brilliance. That has yet to happen. So when Sheebs asked if I was going to do it and I said no and he said he was thinking about it, it brought all those thoughts to the fore.

Perhaps I should give it a go and have a real challenge. I will have to remember that it wont be flawless, may not even have a definitive plot, may just be a smattering of scenes that have flimsy relation to one another, but it will be a chunk of writing. A chunk of writing that will be fulfilling what this year has been all about. A chunk of writing I could mine for good parts, if there are any, if I can manage any of those. I need to plan this thing out now, I suppose.

Day 295: The Choice of Children

written on 10/22(23)/11 at 12AM:

I was asked if I wanted children in my future. I usually answer with yes and mention I would like a boy and rattle off the name I have set for this unborn son, but today I just didn't feel it. It wasn't because I spent half the day surrounded by a load of children because they were for the most part, all well behaved. I guess I've been thinking about the overpopulation issue and also how much our want to have children is valid.

Like, one could say they want a child because they love children. Or they always dreamed of having one. Or they think they would be a good mother. Or they think they will enrich their life. I would think the last one is the most valid argument because it is fully selfish but also completely about quality of life and our time here in this reality in this state of being best be enriched by something. Then again, the earth can only hold so much.

I could look at the children of my dear friends and think they are part of the problem, they are contributing to the total that makes up the overpopulation of this planet, but of course I don't think that. I think that how the birthday girl 'awww, that's cute'd over her presents and how articulate and observant the boy is for his age. You aren't made to think about the bigger problem when face to face with the innocent children that you meet and come to care about. It isn't their responsibility to prevent their own existence. I don't know if it is worth it really to mull over when there are so many other big problems with how we live as a species that are going to cause massive issues in the future, but that is what I thought about in a moment of time between being asked a question and answering it.

Day 294: All Warm Clothes

Written at 10pm on 10/21/11:

A sharp chill of morning. It made me happy that I had packed all warm clothes. Then it was midday. I went out of calls with my father and it was considerably warmer. I was then significantly less happy that I brought only warm clothes.

This was compounded by the forecast for the next few days. 80+ degree weather. So I was hoping I would have some shirts with the dirty jeans I brought along with me and there were...three. Three t-shirts. Three t-shirts that are going to be on heavy rotation for the next 9 days.

I was so ready to rotate my wardrobe too. I look pretty cute in warm clothing and have way more of it than I do cool clothes. More than the clothes though, I just long for the fall feeling. That element of something I call magic because it awakens a nostalgia and creative mixture that makes life feel glass half full. A taste is not enough.

Day 293: Traveling

I usually love long drives. I like to sing and think and dream up scenarios as I am blazing down the road with the window down. Today though I was driving longer than I ever have on my own in one go. I was making an effort to listen to new tunes so there was no singing. The speed with which I was traveling was to fast to have the driver's side window down and still have functioning ears so I went with the half down passenger side window instead. I didn't really have much to day dream about either, and if I did, it would have been stopped every fifteen minutes or so by slowing speed signs or slower moving traffic on a one lane stretch of road.

Playing chicken is not my idea of fun. I don't like having my heart race, jacking up my already screwed up back by tensing my whole upper body and lead footing it in order to get around an insufferably slow vehicle before getting slammed by oncoming traffic. I was actually getting pretty good at it after four plus hours. The best part though was when I was there on my own for several minutes. Not a single person ahead or behind me in my lane or the opposite lane. I realized it slowly and then got into the music a bit and it was a nice little early autumn appreciation moment.

What is it about being in someone else's house that makes the most basic actions take twice as long. Taking a shower is an act of fumbling around for products in a bag and for me was made doubly difficult by these crappy nail polish press ons that are suppose to stay on for...well I would hope they are suppose to stay on longer than a day. A little vigorous scalp scrubbing and they were fall off my nails and then from my hair to the drain. I ended up pulling off the remaining ones right then and there in an effort to speed up the by then lengthy cleaning.

Day 292: Finally

The call finally came in. I thought it would be this big "yay!!" moment, but I just took in the fact that I was being called with a job offer and went straight to "okay, what else needs to be done so this is legit and I can go home before training starts"? Then I called mom and then dad and let them know. Mom was way more excited than I, as per-usual with anything that is mildly life changing for me while dad was so unaffected, I could have been telling him I changed out the roll of paper by the toilet and would have gotten the same response.

I'm not even really thinking about the job. I am thinking about the money and all the many splendid things I could do with it...though it will most likely be saved. But if I want to splurge on something I will be able to without hurting my livelihood. Well, at least not while I live here. Is it bad that I have yet to sign the lease papers because the end date of July 1st just seems so far away and I don't want to be living here with these people that long?

So now to wrap up the finishing steps and get out of here for the rest of this pseudo vacation. In the mean time, while I wait for forms sent snail mail (why?!), I have been really working the Louis C.K. addiction by watching all the interviews I can find on youtube and through doing so, will start watching some of the newer projects Ricky Gervais has been a part of. I know how to waste a day away, no doubt. I would like to get the puzzle I have shoved in an old hair-removal-product-that-never-worked box, but this house gets so dusty so fast and I have nothing to put the pieces on and if I did it would get all kinds of gross and it would be a ways away from the computer monitor and I would therefore not be able to multitask to full efficiency. Hells yeah, run on sentences!

Day 291: Brother

My oldest brother is in town for a cop convention (not really called that, but that is essentially what it is) so he got a hold of me and we went out for dinner and a bat viewing. He was all psyched for the bats but the showing was kind of lackluster with the creatures not coming out till it was a bit too dark to see them well. We were also watching them from the grassy area along side the bridge they come out from under and it wasn't as impressive of a sight as I would have thought. What I did think, rather, since it was my idea to watch from there rather than the bridge.

I don't know what he thought of it in the end, but we were both hungry so we went to Chuys as I had yet to go there and he had never heard of it. He allowed me to get whatever I wanted but I didn't go overboard, just some veggie enchiladas, though I did try one of their margaritas (mango and lime swirl). One of the best things about this guy is that he can keep up a conversation like a mofo. The dude is never lacking in the story department and always has back up questions and inquires to keep things interesting.

Of course, being that we are of the same elongated and complex family, we ended up talking a lot about the members of said family and sharing our views of past events. Interesting how perceptions can differ, how people can be one thing for someone and another for someone else. It's a good thing to keep in mind when dealing with characters, but something you must never forget when dealing with family.

Day 290: Louis

I have been having a little Louis C.K. obsession for the past few days. It started with his stand up specials and then on to his show. I suppose it really started with his guest role on Parks and Recreation. In a show with quite a few guest stars he really stood out, was able to create a likeable character that the viewer missed once he was gone. His own show hits a lot of different notes varying to the everyday reflections of childhood to poker night with fellow comic to the extreme and ridiculous.

Now I am watching the episode I have seen a scene from when Ran was watching it a few months ago. Louis admits to Pamela (played by Pamela Adlon) the depth of his feelings:

"Pamela, I'm in love with you...yeah it's that bad...you're so beautiful to me...shut up! Let me tell you...let me! Every time I look at your face or even remember it - it wrecks me. And the way you are with me, and you're just fun and you're...you shit on all over me and you make fun of me and you're real. I don't have enough time in any day to think about you enough. I feel like I'm going to live a thousand years 'cause that's how long it's going to take me to have one thought about you which is that I am crazy about you, Pamela. I don't want to be with anyone else."
 ("Louis...")
"I don't! I really don't!  don’t even think about women anymore. I think about you. I had a dream the other night that you and I were on a train…we were on this train and you were holding my hand…that’s the whole dream, you were holding my hand, and I felt you holding my hand. I woke up and I couldn’t believe it wasn’t real. I’m sick in love with you Pamela, it’s like a condition, it’s like Polio, I feel like I’m gonna die if I can’t be with you…and I can’t be with you…so I’m gonna die. And I don’t care. Because I was brought into existence to know you. And that’s enough. The idea that you would want me back…it’s like greedy. I’m doing a bad job of this."

That scene hit me without ever having watched the show, without knowing the type of person Louis is, without anything. It was not only a brilliant piece of writing but so honestly delivered, I was really expecting Pamela to be fully charmed, wanted her to be receptive to that rawness. She wasn't and I walked away from the television, but it stuck with me enough to think on it over a month later when I had run out of television to watch.

The fact that she doesn't accept him was probably the best part in terms of hooking me in total. I have been there, explaining in what I thought was awkward eloquence how I felt, why I felt, that the "felt" would be forever "felt" and it just failed to affect the person. You can't really fault someone for not feeling anything back, but it is a gut wrenching reality to face - that you just let the emotion flow for naught.  

 

Day 289: Glutton

It was a bad day in terms of pocket and health. Let me explain that I have hardly any food in the house because I am planning to leave in the next few days and can not see the logic in going shopping only to have things slowly spoil as I am away. So first off I slept so deep, one of those coma like sleeps with a fairly convoluted dream to suck me in. When I finally decided to check the time, I was expecting it to be 10am. It was almost 11am.

Usually I can't eat first thing but after a few minutes of internet browsing I was feeling the hollowness in my tummy. Then Sandra came in wanting me to choose between two meat based soups that I could not give a shit about especially since the decision would not be impacting my meal - they were just her options. Somehow we got to talking about pie and then it was decided we would get some pie from a homestyle joint called Jim's. I have peach cobbler with cinnamon ice cream and a slice of pecan pie. She had strawberry pie and apple pie. We felt plenty bad afterwards.

Then after laying in bed playing our own Sims games for several hours, we went for the hour free swim at Barton Springs Pool starting at 9. It was pretty nice, not too cold yet. I was able to lay back and float and see the sky above me. If the lights had been turned off I could have seen a lot more stars and a lot less bugs flying between my face and the sky. I tried to breath through my nose in fear of sucking in some bugs, but the cool water tends to lead to some breathlessness. You get out of breath a lot more easily at least.

As we left I realized I was hungry once again, and though Sandra wanted to be the responsible one and not eat badly or spend money, she gave in and we went to 24 Diner next to Waterloo Records. It was a real unconventional place, kind of small but open feeling with the glass windows and table layout. We halfed a Peanut Butter Chocolate shake since their milkshakes are award winning according to Sandra's research. Very good, perfect thickness. I blacked out and before I knew it, it was gone. Then I had a veggie burger with fries that were liberally peppered. Just as I liked them. The veggie burger was soft unlike all the others I have had before, the arugula and feta cheese really strong, and I got full with still a few bites left to eat. So I asked for a box. Then we stopped by Waterloo Records, Sandra got a few things. Then I was driving us down the street. Then I realized I didn't have my to-go box. And I still don't know where my abandoned burger is.

Day 288: Shaving, Coffee, and Baseball

I hate the prickly spikes of pain shaving results in. That alone is incentive to be a hairy beast for the greater portion of the year. But no, I had to shave for the sake of the laser removal session. Then there is the abundance of crotch sweat uninhibited by hair and therefore creating damp odorous moments I could do without. No one should have to pat dry their bikini line unless they are drying off after water immersion.

I was reminded why I don't drink coffee today. The cool weather has inspired in me an urge to drink warm beverages so when Sandra and I went for breakfast this morning I chose a latte to go with my blueberry danish. The first taste made me twitch for some sugar but the next second I repelled that thought with the logic that this is how coffee is suppose to taste. Coffee is not that sugarfied crap from Starbucks but it took me a beat to remember that. Once I gave it a shot I realized it was the perfect pairing of sweet from the pastry and bitter from the coffee.

Then there was baseball. I was so psyched to beat the Tigers, been wishing for it to have happened two games ago, but when it came down to it I felt bad for them. I was wishing for a win - not a slaughter. They really fell apart in a way that had me second hand embarrassing all over the place. I like their Cabrera guy though. He was pretty solid throughout the series. So it will be either Milwaukee or St. Louis, two teams I have no knowledge of. I expressed to my father that I really wanted us to win and he had to be a total ass and say I was bandwagoning. I had to remind him of the years of watching games with him, sitting in silence as was the only way to bond with the man during baseball season. Over the years I was able to slowly eek out the rules of the game and it has always been only one team, the team he raised me with.

Day 287: Waiting It Out

That fall feeling is getting stronger. I said I would get out on the bike once it got colder, but I haven't done it yet. Today was filled with distracting myself with shows. Even when I had nothing to watch, I started downloading something else though it would be the perfect opportunity to write something instead or go outside. Diversify. At the same time I know my anxiety about getting those recommendations would probably halt any productivity. It doesn't help that the recruiter sent more emails reminding me to get it done.

Sandra and I had a nice music jam out session in the car as we sped down Mopac on the way home from seeing a movie. I put on Washed Out since it was featured in last nights episode of Secret Circle. I always joke about how the show uses indie music a bit much, especially when there are scenes in the Boat House restaurant Adam's dad runs. They killed my favorite character from the books who is very much alive at the end of that trilogy so the death was legit shocking. And unnecessary. We saw earlier in the season that a crystal could heal someone and bring them back from death and there was conveniently a woman with such a crystal who could have done something. Or, you know, CPR might have worked.

I have to show some discipline and wake up at a set time tomorrow for my last pre-paid laser hair removal. I found out that it is easiest to schedule morning sessions on weekends because you don't have to pay to park downtown and there are actual places to park. Very nice. That coupled with how quickly they can get you in and out of there and it is too convenient not to do mornings. It is odd to have no plans or to not be waiting on anything besides time to pass so it will be Sunday and I can call one of my managers and make sure he will be one of my recs. Until then, nervous laying about and baseball are the only things on the agenda.

Day 286: Hoops, Hoops, and More

I get woken up to a phone call, or really the voice on my phone reading out the phone number. I processed it was an Austin number really really quickly for someone who only just came into consciousness, and I gave myself a beat to convince myself that I was fully awake and then answered the phone. I was expecting the female voice of the secretary but instead was greeted by a male. Instead of calling me in for an interview with him the guy just wanted to do a little phone interview.

I don't know if he could tell I just woke up or if he was just being the normal amount of courteous when he asked if it was a good time or if he should just call back later. I knew I would be an anxious mess if I didn't just do it then and there so I did and it was fine and he must have liked me because he said he would proceed with the next step and let the recruiter know to contact me. Which she did as I was relaxing into the baseball game.

She let me know I needed to submit five references on this online database. Two needed to be managers and the others could just be co-workers. They would be emailed a short survey about my work ethic and such and the answers would be compiled in an anonymous fashion into one lump form of data. Commence me scrambling to figure out who I can use. I didn't want to use managers from this store in case they answer less than favorably about my conduct because I don't trust them to differentiate actions out of boredom from actual bad work. I tried to contact old managers and have thus far been unsuccessful in getting a hold of them. The baseball game was not very enjoyable, even before we started losing. I am all perma-anxious now because of this. I just want the job, come on!

Day 285: Viewings

I was planning to write this before watching the two parter finale of Warehouse 13. That didn't happen. That finale was crazy, though. Then I got caught up in researching Eta Carinae for the hundredth time. It started innocently as wanting to find a picture of Eta Carinae to pin for Pinterest and then I read the wiki page...and then I watched some YouTube videos...and then I got sucked into the mind fuck of a concept that is us seeing a universe much younger than it actually is.

So Eta Carinae could in actuality already have exploded but the light has not reached us so the action as far as we are concerned has not happened which means...timey wimey mind fuck. That's what is means. And time travel theories must be rooted in this concept of time relative to view point and light. If one could manipulate that time/light and distance thing, it could be totally possible to time travel. I think. My brain hurts.

After watching my Rangers ultimately kick ass at the end of a challenging game, I went out and got myself a cupcake from Quack's 43rd Street Bakery. The place is in Hyde Park so I knew to expect a certain level of hipster douche but I guess I figured it would be less packed than it was on a Wednesday night at 10 something at night. Nope. Lots of folk so we sat outside. Unfortunately the outside tables are right up against the store front and a thin pane of glass separated the immediate inside table and what was our own. I felt a bit awkward eating my cupcake with the blonde chick fiddling on laptop essentially right beside me.

Day 284: Call and Breaking Bad

Well I got the call...or at least a call. They didn't offer me the job. Instead, they want me to come in again and interview with another section head since the position I interviewed for previously was filled internally and I would be in another group under another section head than which I met before. So now I wait for the secretary to call to set up that meeting. I got a bit queasy thinking about interviewing again, but she said it wouldn't be as lengthy an ordeal as before, I would only be meeting this other section head and be done.

If they don't give me the job after all this...it would be ridiculous. I first interviewed the last week of August? First week of September? This has stretched out quite a while now. So I hope to get the next call tomorrow and I hope the meet can be the next day after that and then I get a call Monday at the latest or they could just tell me then and there while I meet the guy and get the call rolling. That would be fantastic!

However, with this free day I was able to finish marathoning Breaking Bad. It was beautiful as usual. I forget how amazingly constructed and shot and sound designed and acted this show is. It is the closest to flawless I have seen in a show, to be honest. Different from my other faves, Doctor Who that is just rich in the mind and time bendingness I love and Fringe that has built upon its mythology over the years to make some great character and plot developments, Breaking Bad was always top notch. It had the focus and character development locked down from episode one. When the show ends another 16 episodes from now, I hope the series will still stand as the best in my mind, because it will trump everything else I have ever loved television wise and that is a difficult and thrilling thought. Six Feet Under and Battlestar Galactica may have met their match.

Day 283: First Day of Unemployment

I slept. I slept for what felt like half the day. It was actually only until 10AM. I stepped out to go to the bathroom and was greeted by some nuggets of poop. Sandra and I cleaned it up, puzzling over which animal committed the offense, and I put the new bath mats in the wash (pissed me off because now they have begun the fraying process that will never cease until the day I ultimately throw them away). We then went out to try a new place to eat.

For the afternoon I looked for some volunteer opportunities. I figure the unemployment time could be put to good use, but I only found stuff that are being planned in advance or I didn't think would be a good fit. I committed to setting up for one event at the beginning of November. I figure it will be something I can handle, two hours out of my morning for some manual labor.

Then I watched the Rangers game. It was a long, anxiety building jot. But I got to watch it all from the comfort of my own bed via live stream so the lengthiness didn't really phase me. It was the standard, half screen for viewing, half for games or web browsing. Mom called sometime during the day and mentioned something that I hadn't figured yet. I was somewhat hopeful for a call today, but it is one of those holidays that some places are good at acknowledging so I would get a call tomorrow at the earliest. I just want to get the call, be happy, and then head home to visit with the family before starting the new job. Can I get what I want this time? Morrissey knows where I'm coming from.

Day 282: Last Day

There was nothing special about this day, the last day of working for a company I have been with for over two years. It was the same drive, the same sights, and even with the knowledge that it was the "last", it didn't make a for any warm or significant feeling. Perhaps the disconnect I have been feeling was the cause. Everything has been very "out-of-body" lately. Nothing has sunk in because I didn't want to go into work and allow the unhappies to hit.

So even when I gave my two weeks I still had that shield up and it just got stronger as time passed. I would walk around the store and feel away from the action. I knew I was walking "there" and picking up "that" but it didn't feel like I was doing anything. The only exception was when I was tossing the bamboo stick I took to spinning in the lulls since I wasn't allowed to do anything else. I was real shit at first, the weight of the bamboo just felt all wrong compared to the weighted metal poles I use to toss when I was in color/winterguard. Then I started to understand how it would flip in the air, the amount of force needed to make it do what I wanted. I started to catch it.

I also started to get comments from coworkers about the stick. Why was I carrying it? Who was I hitting with it? They always saw it as an intimidating item which only annoyed me and led to short answers until today when I just told them that it didn't affect them so they didn't need to know and they needed to "get a life". That got some laughter. As I exited the store for the last time I took my apron which you aren't suppose to do. It is a dirty gross thing, the same one I have had since starting there in January, and I am not sure how long I plan to keep it, but in that moment I didn't want to throw it away. So I didn't.

Day 281: Rain

If I were to fully believe in omens, the rain we felt today would have been a good one. Perhaps the cut on the bend of my left pointer finger knuckle or the little bump on my right temple incurred by running to a metal shelving piece out of sheer stupidity could be seen as bad ones. That list could go on for a while, but the point is - we had rain and it was awesomely windy and wild and wet and all that good stuff. I was lucky enough to see it from sprinkle to downpour as I was allowed outside in garden once again today.

The head cashier who keeps letting me go outside is all about letting me have my way; he asks me where I want to be and makes every effort to get me there. I came into the store today and saw a television behind the desk where all the contractors make their purchases. It was playing the football game and a small group of guys were sitting around watching it like it wasn't behind the desk during busy hours. So as it was getting closer to 7 I became quite insistent that we should use the television to watch the Rangers game.

They had put the television away, but they actually agreed to bring it back out, and it was lovely for a minute there. I was in the cool doorway (still nice from the rains) and I was watching my game while still making myself available to customers. And then it was "do this break" and "unload all these drinks" which made for quite difficult viewing. I came back from said break and the Rangers had scored two runs. I still don't know what happened there. The rain omen also visited them and delayed the game twice over so I figured I could go home and finish it, but the couple had friends over (didn't bother to give any heads up) so that wasn't in the cards. Still, my boys won.

Day 280: New Diet Update

I am scared that I am already burning out on tofu. I have cooked it like chicken, crumbled it on a baked potato with all the fixings and crumbled some more into the refried bean/salsa combo for my burritos. The latter may be the best way to incorporate it, where it can't be seen or fully noticed as the texture kind of squicks me out. I was at first trying to count my protein intake, knowing I should be eating about 60 grams of protein a day. Now, I just stay mindful of what has protein and look at labels a lot and hope it all adds up.

I suppose the burrito enjoyment could have been tainted by the tortillas that expired the 22nd of September. Those things just expire too quickly. They usually still taste good for awhile, but these were starting to smell a bit funky and I threw one away that may have had a mold spot on it. I wasn't sure. I just don't want to go back to the store for tortillas as I spy impending poorness around the corner. Even though I did get a hold of the recruiter yesterday, there was still no clear resolution.

She didn't call today so the earliest she could call about the position would be Monday, the first day or official unemployment. That would be the best case scenario. In other words, what probably wont happen because this is my life and things must play out in more difficult ways or the balance of the universe would be off or something. I wouldn't mind a work vacation of sorts if I knew I could spend money that would not be destined to run out. Unlimited disposable income would be nice. Who wants to give me some?

Day 279: Awkward

Lets start with some awkward moments of the day. Like when I had to record a message three times because 1. If I moved at all during it the signal would warble even though I was outside in an alley-like area behind the store. 2. I was somehow completely inept at speaking and not flubbing sentences "...calling about my hiring...situation...thing...shit" (press 3 to cancel and rerecord).

Or when I noticed one of my co-workers who is still fairly new (or at least new enough and on the other side of the store so there is minimal interaction with him) wearing a Rangers baseball cap and I did this geeky gun fingers with a shrill stretched out "Ni-ce Ha-at!". I mean, there was a certain measure of purposeful geekiness but his luke-warm reaction made said intention seem to just be plain awkward and therefore simultaneously hilarious to me...just not in the way I meant it to.

Then there was Kristie being fairly short about the bills we all should be worried about taking care of since her boyfriend said he would do it but then has not said another word about it. No surprise there. So she tells me "If you are worried about it you should contact Brie because I have too many things going on and I know I should but I don't care about them". Spoken like a true adult. And when the electricity and water goes out I hope she can manage a care then. Then when Sandra was frightened by the couple lurking in the dark on their way up the stairs she made fun of me making fun of her because I am "...the one who insists on locking the door because you think someone will murder us". Umm...that or steal shit but lets all be reckless for reckless sakes, shall we?

Day 278: Robotic Aching Sinkhole

I stayed an hour late at work with the promise that I would get out an hour early tomorrow. One hour should never make so much of a different but it does when you are bored and only have a bamboo stick to twirl and spin all day. I did fix up that baby today, taking off the ends that were badly splintered and causing me all kind of hand ouchies. However, the wood still is not very strong and is cracking severely to the point that I expect major breakage in the next day or so. Essentially, before my last day comes along I expect it to be in two or more pieces. If I could catch the damned thing every time I throw it, maybe that wouldn't be the case.

Everything else is autopilot, checking out customers, the greetings and thank yous and "have a good one"s. I had some conversations with a few customers today but hell if I remember a modicum of the dialogue. In one ear out the other, though I do think how odd it is to give a shit so little. It isn't natural for me to be so disingenuous so I am constantly noting my disconnect in mid-disconnect but it doesn't inspire a difference because the facts remain the same. Something that did penetrate the hazy of robotic function? Massive back pain once again. It started with sharp vein pain in my left hand and then went to full on knotty back ache.

The back plus the face eruptions make for some annoying displays of stress. Okay, I get it, shit is anxious-making right now. Get over it body and move on, damn, I have shits to do. It is doubly fucked up that I am breaking out when I am eating so well. Maybe good news will come tomorrow with news from Marsh. The recruiter should be back tomorrow and I will be calling either during a break or at lunch because this also needs to be resolved. Either I have some hope of employment or I am back to square one and may as well transform into a sinkhole because that is what will happen to all my money.

Day 277: The Day Half Slept Away

After sleeping til 11:30 this morning, I figured the day would feel wasted or at the very least rushed. I tried to counter that by immediately tackling the first problem I encountered: the mass amount of light filtering into my room. Granted, I had a blanket over my eyes to block out the morning light and realized that comparably the light that was seeping through my curtain was probably not as bad as my newly uncovered eyes though, but I jumped up anyway. I found the other curtain (the other half of the one already hanging) and messed with the curtain rod and all my shit between it and myself until...success. A little less light will be penetrating the gloom of my room.

Then I went to get Sandra who at this point in the morning was starving and eager for us to get groceries. So we did that and the impending lessening of my pockets got that much more real. But a girl has got to eat, and I am not an exception unfortunately. Sandra cooked up some spaghetti and meatballs (I went without the meatballs though they smelled really good) and some garlic biscuits. Then we went out for gelato at a cute cafe across the street from Mothers. I had a scoop of mango and a scoop of pistachio and one of mango and Sandra had one coconut and one mango. We ate our top flavors a bit more than half way and then swapped because I really liked her coconut (I really liked the pistachio as well, a lot of flavor to it) and she really wanted more than a taste of the pistachio.

So now I have a tub of tofu and no idea how to do anything with it. For starters, I couldn't find it in the grocery store no matter how hard I tried. I ended up asking some poor girl in the beauty section of the store expecting her to simply explain where it was. Instead she walked me to the complete opposite side of the store where the produce is and inexplicably, the tofu as well. Then I was stumped. Soft. Medium. Firm. Those are the options one has when buying tofu. Unfortunately, I have no idea what that means in terms of cooking so I paused for a good while, staring at these option words as if they could reveal to me their secrets. That didn't happen so I just went the Goldilocks route and picked the medium with some minor hope that I can figure it out.

Day 276: Too Dumb To Function

Sometimes it is just a day full of too dumb to function. This wasn't necessarily one of those days, but there were some doozies. Like the woman who bought a dozen or so largish irregular shaped stones and wanted me to bag them. I told her we had paper we could lay down in her car to put them on but "how would I get them out of the car once I was home"? I had to stop myself from saying something to the effect of "that's why you don't get shit you can't manage" or that that is something the customer must think about before purchasing. Instead, I just bagged the stones like a good little bitch.

It is considerably easier to be someones bitch when it is...the....last...week...yeah!!! I was pretty mellow and serene today, for sure. Internally, I was a bit more antsy and eager for the week to go by and then anxious and scared about the future and impending unemployment. It is a mixed bag right now.The speed with which Sandra got a job here is both reassuring and slightly unsettling as I have been applying to places for...months and months on end. With no result. Well, with some pending result.

I thought about that today too. Maybe I will call and they will say "nah, forget about it" even though that seems so illogical when they went through all that interview process with me, liked me, let me talk to everyone and their dog. If that isn't enough, I don't know what more I could do. Boo to these adult musings, I just want to eat Carousel Pops all day. Sandra and I had been searching for them two weeks ago to no avail, but on her trip to our hometown she found them in a Wal-Mart and brought us a good stash. She figures they will last a long time, but I know I will one a day it and get through them in under two weeks. 

Day 275: Coping Mechanisms

Time is so fleeting. The five days back home seem all a blur now, here in my room in Austin. Just a few hours ago I was hanging out with my sister, eating, laughing at dumb people's tricked out old cars, singing in the car, but it feel so distant now. I held my newborn niece and poked and petted her little hands and face and head to eek out cute expressions as she slept. I got blasted by a wall of sound provided by the massive theater-like sound system of my brother's media room.

My brain needs to click back over to this life here. The one where I have the routine of work - at least for one more week. The one where I need to do some laundry and clean around the edges of my room least I wallow in filth along with just plain wallowing. The one where I pull up to the house after driving for three hours and can hear the shrill laughter of Kristie before I even put the vehicle in park. That almost did it for me. I could have just continued on back home with that welcome.

A good way to ease into any environment is to engage in common routines or rituals. I am continuing to watch episodes of Parks and Recreation which I started while I was home this weekend. The illusion of familiarity produced by watching a show you know is...sad. But it works. So I go with it. When I first moved here it made getting use to the new area easy peasy. I am impervious to new environments. If I have a computer with access to the internet.

Day 274: The Damages

My poor nails have taken a beating the past few days. First it was damage caused from the grinder I use to shorten my dogs' nails. Then it was the way-longer-than-it-should-have-been process of changing the toilet valve for my mother. My thumbs took the most painage in the most acute "gamer thumb" I have ever experienced. It took two hours split by several hours of rest (I thought I got the job done right the first time only to find out water was slowly dripping from the water supply line) but I was eventually successful. The skin around some of my fingers is still an uncomely black from the deteriorated cone washer that I first tried to work with and then ended up trashing.

Then I have mom who is concerned by how tired I am. It is true that I am sleeping in fairly later than I normally do, that I get sleepy around midafternoon, and that I am not much interested in going out a doing anything. I think it may be a combo of stress and the depressive nature that is the me of now - the one of impending unemployment with no other job prospects.

It could also be allergies, the changing of the seasons, natural energy ebb and flows, the change in my diet. I proclaimed "I wont eat meat" but when I heard mom refer to me as a vegetarian I felt the urge to correct her. I don't particularly know why as one who does not eat meat would be defined as such, but I suppose I feel like I am still in transition. Besides I still have a few pounds of ground beef and frozen chicken breasts in the freezer that I will need to eat before I can be full-time with this.