Day 90

I was successful in getting out of work early and spent a blissful few hours just reading manga in bed and listening to music. Then we had a cookout with friends.

I know it can be construed as rude, but when there are a ton of people in a small kitchen, I don't feel like being there. So, while the rest of the group was chatting in that area, I went back to me room here and read some more, popping in every once in awhile to see how the food was coming along and such. I assumed there wasn't any real issue with it from any party until one remark made by Brie. She was saying she needed to pack to go out of town tomorrow but doesn't want to be rude and pop in and out because of it. Okay, not a big deal except for a second later reaction from Kristie, a scoffing laugh.

It was one of those moments where you feel insecure about what is being said about you, but I don't like being in that headspace. If they did say something to each other and not to me directly then that is their problem, And if I don't want to be somewhere, then I wont be there.

Food was good, laughs were had, cookies are cooling as I am typing this. Let's see if they will allow me to have any since I have been in the other room even though I provided the recipe, made the salad and cleaned dishes.

Day 89

I have such low energy right now. All day I have been dragging ass...really since yesterday as my writing-for-the-day illustrated perfectly. I started with something and just dropped it in the midst of great fatigue. I am feeling that still now, despite sleeping at least eight hours and eating well. I guess the seemingly never-ending work week (really eight days straight of working) is wearing me down.

And so I am at an impasse with how to spend my requested three days off. I am so tired I want to just say "fuck it" and sleep and eat and lounge the days away, but I requested them off to go to Oklahoma with the family and I feel the pull to use them for that. Seems simple enough, right? But then I think I should go to my hometown first so I can see some people there. But then I need to go by my mother's place to get some things and see my dogs and...a long drive becomes a lot of shorter drives but only so many hours in a day to do things other than driving. Which I would much rather be doing.

On another note. There has been two Cuban customers that have come into the store for three days straight now, and I could tell I caught their eye. Well, perhaps just the one who can speak a bit of English, at least. The first day I showed them what they were looking for. The second the English speaker asked what I liked to do in my freetime. When I told him that I like to play video games he scoffed at that and it became a little joke as they checked out. Today he became bolder and asked if I was married, focusing on my ring apparently. I said no. Was I single? Yes. Would I like to go out with him? No. He would play Playstation! Laughter but no. I didn't use it on him, but there is a new line I want to use in such occasions when men notice my ring and ask if I am married or in a relationship:

I am single, but I am not available.

Day 88

I dreamed last night I was kissing someone. Probably was doing more than kissing but I remember that bit more vividly than the rest.

I am try to write about the day here but my brain in just dead. I haven't done anything particularly more tiring today than any other day but for some reason my reasoning, logic, and spelling skills are suffering hardcore right now to the point of shocking me a bit. Good thing for spellcheck on this sucker, is all I'm saying.

I came home to delicious food made by out Tuesday Glee Night troupe. Even though there was no new glee, we ate and played a game (for a bit longer than it was fun) and now I am going to sleep.

Day 87

I was sitting in the break room, talking to my girls when Curtis walked in to my field of view. I knew (from being my stalker-y self) that he wasn't scheduled to work today so I immediately blurted out "what are you doing here?!"

He talked with the bulk of the people in the break room about his standard beverage of choice, a half gallon of milk that he drinks straight from the carton. For the calories as he puts it and you can tell by his muscular form that he takes his calories seriously.

And it makes me wonder why I am even slightly interested in him, why my stomach did a little bit of a flip when I saw him while not expecting to, and why I tried to get away from my register when I got back from break to talk to him more.

Blonde, muscular, into country, army veteran, though I haven't confirmed it, probably religious, and just over-all the appearance of an American good ol' boy. I don't know. But I let him follow me to the break room as I clocked out. And I let him walk me to the door. And I let him listen to a song on my phone, thus giving the phone to him which allowed him to enter his phone number into it.

Apparently, I don't seem to be thinking logically.

Day 86

I had to get up in front of the whole store at the store meeting and introduce myself. Because the lumber guys sold me out.

We had a store meeting this morning. I sat down with two donuts and then looked up to see Curtis standing next to me and asking if he could sit. I said of course but simultaneously got that little anxiety spike that pops up when I think of things like the permanence of tattoos and someone showing an interest in me. It makes any mutual or possible mutual feelings in me to be voided out under the weight of that anxiety and makes me want to get up and walk away. But I don't and it goes away.

We chat before the meeting starts and even as it is underway a bit...At one point my immediate superior looks back at us, scanning us with her eyes and turns away only to turn back and offer her fist for a bump that I meet with my own without thinking. When I asked why we was fist bumping me, I didn't get a response but that creeping anxiety was like a knock on a door in my mind.

Then the store manager wanted everyone who had never been to a store meeting before to get up in front of the room. I had been to two previous meetings so I didn't even twitch to get up. Curtis started to make fun that I should go and then another lumber associate from across the aisle started to attract attention to me. One of the assistant managers noticed and then it seem like half the store was egging me to get up with the actual legitimately new newbies.

I suppose my turn (third in line) wasn't that traumatic in theory but seeing the beaming faces of the two guys who were just eating up my humiliation made it a cheek burner indeed.

Day 85

I've been wanting to see Jane Eyre for a few weeks. I didn't know the story all that well, just had a vague recollection of the version with a young Anna Paquin. Honestly, the driving force to see this movie was the two stars...but mainly one Michael Fassbender (or as a lot of the folks at ONTD call him Fast-bend-me-over).

So I have been looking to see what theaters around here was going to be showing the movie since it is in limited release apparently. Another point to Austin for limiting my whining when it comes to wanting to see a movie now instead of a few weeks to months later when I good leak of the film hits the net. Of course, I can usually hold out for such a wait, but not with the power of Fassbender.

I found that the original location for Alamo Drafthouse was starting their showings today so I went after work and even treated myself to some french fries (nice!) and a chocolate peanut butter shake (too thick and "off" tasting peanut butter). When I sat down though I didn't really know what to do. I looked at the menu in front of my and took all further cues from the girls who sat a seat away from me. Even then when the guy came around I became the timid version of myself and pretty much acted like an incapable loser who frequently goes to movies by themselves.

I liked the film alright. It hit all the points. The music is wonderful so I need to get my hands on that. Overall good treat for myself.

Day 84

I read this article about some dumbass hetero-player of Dragon Age II bitching that there is no off button for the potential homosexual content in the game. The difference in this sequel to Dragon Age: Origins is that all romance-able characters are "bisexual" or at least capable of being romantically linked to the main Hawke character. Pretty much you have to initiate all such interactions, though it seems with one companion character he is a bit more forward than the others. Still, nothing will come of it if you as the player do not choose the appropriate options.

But this dude decides to bitch that the developers "neglected their main demographic: The Straight Male Gamer...It's ridiculous that I even have to use a term like Straight Male Gamer, when in the past I would only have to say fans..."

Made me rage hard. Luckily, in the same post the main writer for the whole Dragon Age series, David Gaider (wrote the books that expand on the world, the first of which I finished today) pretty much told the tool to Sit The Fuck Down And Shut The Fuck Up. Only, he did it very eloquently with such great lines as:

"...if there is any doubt why such an opinion might be met with hostility, it has to do with privilege. You can write it off as “political correctness” if you wish, but the truth is that privilege always lies with the majority. They’re so used to being catered to that they see the lack of catering as an imbalance. They don’t see anything wrong with having things set up to suit them...The very best we can do is give everyone a little bit of choice, and that’s what we tried here. And the person who says that the only way to please them is to restrict options for others is, if you ask me, the one who deserves it least. And that’s my opinion, expressed as politely as possible."

Forever love this man now. And it got me to start a Dragon Age II even though I have had the game for a few days.


http://www.queerty.com/straight-gamers-calls-for-no-homosexuality-option-in-dragon-age-2-game-maker-responds-shut-it-20110325/

Day 83

I was exiting the break room after clocking out for the day and spied Curtis dead ahead messing with something in Lumber. Curtis is a Lumber Associate who I rarely see as we tend to have opposite working schedules, and yet when we do work together we like to joke around with one another.

In my surprise to see him (I had looked at his schedule and knew he wasn't scheduled to be in until later), I let out a high pitched squeak that somewhat resembled his name. As the seconds stretched out after that peal of sound, I became relieved that he didn't seem to hear me, but also simultaneously started to laugh at myself.

And then he did look up with a startled, questioning expression and I laughed even more.

"Did you hear that?" said by me admidst a fresh spurt of laugher

"What was that?"

I explained that it was his name contorted by my joy at seeing him. He found that rightfully amusing and we small talked about him picking up extras hours and therefore being there at unscheduled times and then he said:

"That doesn't look like a collared shirt."

Dress code dictates we wear collared shirts, but virtually no one pay attention to that. I explained that I was in garden and need something breezier than a collar could provide. He faked scolded me and I elaborated that my own rule was dictated by risk of cleavage and if there was none to be seen, it was a safe shirt to wear. I think he could see my logic in that.

Day 82

If I am not more careful about eating in bed, I am not going to have a non-stained side of the sheet to turn to. I went to Central Market for the first time here in Austin and had to rein myself in to not buy a lot of nonesense...albiet, awesome nonesense, but nonesense none the less.

It isn't like some of the things I was tempted to get were too far out from what I would normally buy when shopping, but the elevated prices just because they were in a different "healthy" setting just couldn't be reasoned in my mind. I did indulge and buy a 10 dollar tempura sushi meal and some frozen fries that are suppose to be healthy or something...I am suspicious.

I feel like my few hours after work today before I have to go to sleep, wake up, and do it all again, are very short today. I know coming home an hour later since I went shopping and then spending at least an hour reading about Elizabeth Taylor, and then specifically Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton had to be cructial factors in this perception.

I was able to watch The Good Wife which was epic beyond imagining. I am scared what they are going to do to my favorite characters and how their relationships with others are going to change as they most definitely will after the bombshell they dropped in the last five minutes of last night's episode.

On the other side of my television enjoyment spectrum, I am getting more and more disappointed about the development of the CW's The Secret Circle. I hate who they are casting and don't have a lot of hope for them bumping up the quality like they did with The Vampire Diaries. I mean, Kevin Williamson is involved, so there is hope there but I am not going to hold my breath for magnificence. Which is sad since that triology is easily better than TVD series. Easily. I have never heard someone who read both say that VD was better written because it just isn't true.

Day 81

I went out an met up with that guy tonight. It was good and casual. I didn't eat but had a drink and when the check came by and he wanted to pay I made it clear that I was only allowing him to pay at his insistence because I do that with my friends, let them pay and get the next one. He said something like he wouldn't let me pay for the next one either so I was getting the picture that he wasn't thinking on the same wave length as me.

So, while it was not my intention, I ended up explaining a lot of the past "non-relationship" I had. He was interested in knowing what happened but as the story was...I guess getting a bit lengthy, he was trying to get me to cut to the ending. Anyone who knows me knows I can't just do that because the subsequent questions will just have be backtracking anyway, and I hate going out of chronological order, dude. I broke the rule of not talking about an ex (not really anything remotely like an ex, but you know, talking about someone I was/am hung up on) and he suggested I get in contact with him again since it was obviously so fresh on my mind.

When I tried to explain why that would not be a good idea he cut me off by mentioning what time it was and that he other things to do before heading home. We could talk more about it and other things another time. Right.

I drove home giggling about my new found weapon to detract admirers. Will note for the future.

Day 80

First draft of e-mail to the guy I met at work the other day:

Stuart,

It was nice to meet you the other day. If you still want to have coffee tomorrow I am game. I must say now though, in an effort to make my intentions clear, it is best to think of me in strictly friendly terms.  While you seem awesome, I am an unconventional gal who isn't fond of expectations, relationships, and gooey, mushy emotions in general. Let me know if you want to hang out, otherwise don't feel obligated to message back. Thanks!

Nella

Hits all the main points, I think.


I will work on it.



So, I watched the series finale of Big Love this morning and cried lots of unexpected tears over it. They creators knew they would be tugging on a lot of heartstrings by playing God Only Knows (the first opening theme of the show) during the last scene. I mean, aside from what happened, that song really got my ugly cry going. Probably the best ending that could have happened for a show that had been suffering a lot of lumps since their awesome third season that seems to be most fans' favorite.

I also finished the anime Revolutionary Girl Utena. What a mind fuck that was. Dude...I was "what the fucking" all over the place and the ending didn't help. Nor did reading up on interpretations either. And definitely not watching the movie that seemed to only be a retelling of the story in a condensed, hyper-lesbian, less character based way. I am going to forget the movie exists minus the pretty art and animation that was far better than the show.

Day 79

Hellish day of work followed by hanging out with friends of Brie's. I didn't get to have lunch until 2:30 and I got off work at 4. I was surprised to see one guy I work with since he normally works evenings and I rarely see him as my schedule tends to be the opposite of his. A part of me wanted to get everything done quickly so I could have a normal lunch and perhaps take it at the sPame time as that guy's lunch so we could chat. I was equally surprised when I passed by him on my way to finally have lunch, he asked me if I was taking my lunch so late and then not ten minutes later was in the breakroom talking to the other people at my table and then myself.

Hanging out with Brie's friends is fun, though after a glass of wine and a good hit off a bowl and I am feeling my fatigue hardcore. As soon as I took the hit I realized that I couldn't be drug tested for a while now...not the smartest choice, sure.

Right now Labyrinth is playing. The owner of the house wanted to play Pan's Labyrinth for background noise when I suggested but plain Labyrinth and so it comes to be that I am seeing this film for the firs time since I was initially obsessed with it when I was seven or so. Crazy funny acting and music and cg-ed owl flying opening sequence.

Day 78

Unplanned, I spent the day after I got off work hanging out with Kristie. We watched Sex and the City (edited for television) while painting our nails and braved the dwindling crowds of SXSW to get to the big downtown library branch. We got a ton of graphic novels for her to give her students to read and then we went grocery shopping.

It was fun. When we got home after picking up Ran from work, we had a barbeque and I made a salad with mom's style dressing which Kristie said she loved...a lot...to the point I didn't know whether to believe her or if she was just trying to make me feel included and appreciated. I also made puppy chow which I know they all like, so that wasn't as much of a worry.

After a glass of wine, I feel like sleeping for days. Unfortunately, I only have about seven hours. Let's get to it.

Day 77

I was really energized today. It was busy in garden but I was on top of it, zooming through customers, navigating the wild waters of questions and requests. At one point a customer who was paying attention to how I was working said "You're good!" and I really felt how on I truly was at that moment.

When I hopped off the register to go home, it was with an excess of energy. I walked into the store proper and saw a customer approaching from the opposite direction, seeming to have a spring in his step which so happened to be to the music. As he got closer I spontaneously asked him if he was dancing to the music. He said that he wasn't, just naturally had a bouncy walk and then I helped him find a shovel.

He asked what I was reading, I had the Dragon Age book I have slowly been reading under my arm. I have had a few people ask me the same question and I have been responding with a grimace and sheepish explanation that it is a prequel to a video game. But this guy just wanted to know what game. When I said Dragon Age he blew my mind by saying "I actually work for EA."

"Oh my god, can I hang out with you forever?!"

He gave me a significant yet quick once over and said something to the effect of yes.

We chatted as I walked towards the break room. It was easy conversation about computer preferences (he works with Unix systems and abhors Apple products like I do) and music (he doesn't like rap or country but is eclectic otherwise...just like how I describe my tastes). It was odd how easy it was. Enough so that when he offered to meet up for coffee on one of my days off I hesitated knowing that he may be thinking more is going on or has potential to go on than there actually is, but I said sure. So now I have his contact info (he offered to give me his info instead of mine to him because he understood it could be intimiating for a girl to give out such information) and said that if I didn't contact him he would figure I don't want to meet up. Easy enough.

I don't seem any harm in hanging out with him, but I will have to make it clear that he wont get anywhere with me, and if he is hoping that to be the case we should stop before we start.

Day 76

Uneventful day was uneventful. And I am currently very full from eating some Kerbey Lane Cafe foods. Kerbey Queso and a Hippy Burger with fries and something called a Hibiscus Phizz which by name unneccessary "ph" along should have scared me off but didn't. It was a hibiscus, mint tea with sprite concoction that, while not mind blowing, was a refreshing little drink to have with the meal.

Looks like my friend is going to cut her visit short and leave tomorrow instead of Saturday. I suppose I could use the time wisely and work on my resume and cover letters...yeah. I am in an odd state where I know what I need to do to get out of the position I am in but I simultaneously feel unmotivated to do what is necessary. Kind of like my whole schooling career. Procrastination. But the difference now is there is no deadline only the perpetuation of the life I am living now. It would be easily to just let it continue as it is, that is what I am doing every day  I allow myself not to work on my resume, and that reality frightens me. I know I haven't had a lot of time lately to work on it between going out of town and entertaining out of towners, but I need to get on it when I do have the time or get use to this being my future.

Day 75

At work there is a guy who is in charge of the schedules and integrating new associates into the way we do things at the store. It seems that once a day now I will be in the breakroom while he is showing a couple of new associates how to clock in, the "health food section" (vending machines), and the refrigerators "to be left as clean or cleaner than your own". His script is so tight, I feel I could recite it as good as he can by now. He gives the appropriate pause after his health food section joke for a laugh which rarely comes except for today with I suppose two fairly affable folk who each gave a good chuckle.

My new shoes are awesome. Usually an eight hour day of cashiering outside garden has me limping by the time I clock out. My bad leg just stiffens right up to my toes, but not today. Tender feet, for sure, but I could feel the support in all the right places with these shoes and hope they continue to be as affective the new two days I have to cashier garden. I also hope I can manage to not dirty them too bad. I was already spending a good amount of time buffing them today after one scrape or another. It is apparently difficult for me to not be rough on my feet.

Day 74

It feels so different being here without my dogs. I get up from my bed, carefully planting my feet down to avoid sleeping pups that aren't there. No clippity-clappity feet follow me as I brush my teeth or get water from the kitchen. I didn't expect to notice so much or the absence to be so severe. I found myself fall in a funk for a moment while waiting for my food to heat. I didn't want to be here and didn't want to deal with the people I live with. Hearing Kristie talk to her dog made me irrationally feel that she was mocking me and her loud laughter had been more grating to me than normal.

This is suppose to be an opportunity for me to go visit people without worrying about leaving the dogs, to not rush to the house right after work to let them out, to generally have more time to myself. Right now I don't think it is worth it.

On another note, I named the new car Aoko. Ao means "blue" and ko "child" in Japanese. It just seemed to fit.

Day 73

Fun day! Went to Six Flags with my father's girlfriend, her daughter, and her daughter's friend. We had a lot of fun! I went on some rides I have never gone on before, like Titan and Flashback. I closed my eyes on the bits that I thought would freak me out the most, so...like most of Titan and the first half of Flashback. I went on Judge Joy Scream three times since the line was non-existant as nightfall hit and it is a fun classic style coaster.

And funnel cake! Just before leaving, we got two funnel cakes that were covered in powdered sugar, chocolate syrup, and whipped cream...oh my goodness. Gone in minutes. The daughter's friend eats faster which is the oddest thing to me, the inhaler of all foods, me, the unhinger of jaws, me, the human disposal. That kid is crazy and I think she is awesome after one day. That's impressive.

Before we left we went on the log water ride (because of no line, road twice) and got the picture they take as you do the last/only drop as keychains for all of us. Sitting here now I still feel like I am moving a bit. My body is all tingly.

Day 72

I have been hungry the past few days. Like, no matter what I eat or how often, perpetually wanting-hungry. Today was considerably better, but I still stuffed my face with chocolate and candy we have in the Bookkeeping room in a way that reminded me of my chocolate-loving relatives. In light of the reality of others' situation across the world, I feel pretty gluttonous.

I found myself becoming more resolute about learning Japanese and traveling to and even living in Japan. Such train of thought surprised me given the current circumstances in a large part of the country, but I think that how the country and its people has been reacting to such immense destruction and lost is truly inspiring and something I want to be connected to somehow in the future.

Day 71

The whole day has been following coverage about Japan. Even at work I turned down the volume on the store sound system and watched/listened to a live feed of BBC coverage. Then I came home and was back to seeking the most up-to-date news until at one point I "rested" for two hours by playing Dragon Age: Origins before I was at it again. I don't quite know why I am so fascinated, but especially the nuclear situation has me glued for the newest bits of info.

According to people online America's coverage is fairly sensational and exploitive and at times down right horrendous in its ignorance. I am glad I can't get CNN from the comfort of my bed so I don't have to witness that travesty first hand. It is interesting to see other countries' coverage on something of this magnitide, because even when bits of other news relating to that country slips in, I find myself interested. Maybe I should watch the new more...

Needless to say, I didn't get anything done today, including packing up some stuff for my trip back to Fort Worth tomorrow after work. I'll just get on the road later than I did last week, an idea that doesn't bother me much with the reliability inherent when dealing with a new car.

Day 70

I felt very annoying today. It was like I annoyed everyone and I just got to this point where I didn't want to be there at all. But I have to be there and I am not helping in changing that by spending my free hours reading about natural disasters in areas not directly affecting me instead of working on my resume.

I've been testing the sound system on the new car. Last night I blazed down Mopac with the window down, the cool 60-some-odd degree air causing frequent shivers, my hair blowing every which snakey way with my fellow cars a chain of light around me. It was pretty cool. It's going to be difficult not to get to look at the car from garden tomorrow as I will be Bookkeeping it up.People best lay off my boo.

SXSW is coming in fast and I will have to work through it. A friend is wanting to stay through the week, but I am not going to go sleep deprived to work, so it will be interesting to see how this all goes down next week. I already know I wont be able to see Toro Y Moi and that is the only band I really wanted to see, but I recognize some other names and there is always room for new music.

Day 69

I met this new cashier a little while ago and didn't have much of an impression of her simply because I figured I wouldn't see much of her. But they have been putting her outside with me in garden and we have hit it off pretty well. When I mentioned craving Wing Stop to her she was all game at my suggestion that we go after work to wing it up. I even offered to pick her up after she got off work and go to the one by her place (also the closest on to mind...not really close at all because Austin are Wing Stop haters and have like...only three stores in the whole city) and drive her home afterward.

I was worried in the few hours between getting off work and picking her up if we would actually have anything to talk about. While cashiering we seemed to do fine, but that was in spurts and usually prompted by something or someone else inspiring the vein of conversation. We did just fine. In fact she mentioned talking my ear off on the way home and I assured her that it wouldn't have been fun if we just ate wings in silence.

While I don't like routine, I use to look forward to going out every other week to Wing Stop with the full-time Bookkeeping from my old store. We were really close and it was a great way to catch up on what was going on in our lives. I am not going to say I will have that type of connection with this girl, but I could definitely tell she has an "other"-ness that may allow her to converse on that level I have shared with very few people. It would definitely be welcome.

Day 68

My nose is a burning, leaking faucet. All day it has been a constant hindrance and a snotty reminder that I didn't get to properly rest this illness off, mild though it may have been.

So I asked to leave work early. That was about three hours into the shift. I didn't get to clock out until I had worked six. It almost didn't seem worth it except those were a few less hours of incessant sneezing a half-hearted customer service that I was glad to do without.

I was also worry about my car because of how high crime an area I work in. One of our associates got his car broken into and they tried to steal it, but apparently his vehicle is fancy and tricked out and they couldn't accomplish the trick...but they made his car undrivable in the process.

My worries only got reaffirmed by some of my co-workers who upon seeing pictures of my car expressed the same concern. I think I am about to start parking near the garden entrance so I will be able to see my car at all time. As associates we aren't suppose to park that close to the building, but I will feel much more comfortable if I can yell at any fucker who tries to mess with my as-of-yet-unnamed ride.

Day 67

On the drive back to Austin I noticed some things.

An inn in Belton by the name of River Forest. I have noticed the inn before, initially drawn in by the cute sign you can see from the highway as you approach. But the actual appearance of the inn as you pass it on I35 is...not very appealing. Blue and yellow color theme and with an aura of creeper hangout. On this passing though, the name really stood out. River Forest. How quaint a name for an area bereft of a river or any forest to speak of.

Someone almost killed my brand new car. The moron must have been distracted as he was passing (on my right like a douche anyway) and he started to enter my lane. Luckily, I was paying attention and swerved off into the shoulder but didn't even hit the road guard with its tale-tale sound before he realized what was happening. We locked eyes for a moment, he was surprised, I was surely surprised and quizzical, a second later exclaiming "come on, I just bought this car" knowing full well he couldn't hear me. Though the lack of tags on the vehicle would surely be a clue.

I stopped in Hillsboro to hit up the most southernly placed Braums in the state. I missed my Reese's Peanut Butter Cup Sundae...and undoubtedly risked the livelihood of my car myself by going about eating it while driving. Even with cruise control I was having issues and succeeded in dirtying my seat belt strap with its first droplets of ice cream. I considered it a consummation of sorts.

Day 66

We had success! I have a new car, as yet unnamed. A long day of looking, driving, and talking (and some eating of cheddar biscuits!) and it was declared a done deal.

I feel sad for my old Blueberry who I was told would be...sent to pasture so to speak...only not at all. Very depressing thought, though I tell myself it is a machine created by man and not an sentient creature. Wouldn't want cars to go all Cylon on our asses. They outnumber us, I'm sure.

To feel so tired on a day off it just wrong, and tomorrow shouldn't be much better with the drive back. But at least there is now cruise control in my future. And still a lack of good tune-age.

Day 65

I am back home in my mother's house. It was odd to enter my room that had become sterlized and rearranged despite my request that everything be left alone.

Honestly, the sensory impression I had and am still actively having is the same that I have had when visiting the home of my obsessively clean aunt. It's a very synesthetic connection, because this place is definitely not as meticulously clean as my aunt's place. That is a-okay by me. I prefer it that way.

I am very tired after this loooong day so I am just going to keep it short. The drive was fine, with my phone dying so quickly now I had to old-school it an listen to my mix cassette tapes. A lot of memories from those babies. Though singing wore out my already worn out throat.

Day 64

Sometimes when I am tired I refer to myself as "Sleepy Time Frank". It's one of those times. It seems like everything is just a series of tasks that must be done before I can go to sleep.

I am not really looking forward to car shopping on my days off. I would much rather lounge the days away like I did last week, that's how low my energy becomes after two days of waking up at 4:15 in the morning. I don't know how I use to do it and then go to classes the next day even though it was only a few months ago that I did so on a regular basis.

I suppose I should suspect my feeling less than 100% could be having an impact on my outlook if not my energy in general.

Tomorrow is going to be a non-stop task list. I can do it!

Day 63

I went to that Japanese Language and Culture group meet up today. It was at a Chinese restaurant and they had reserved two long tables, one for the experienced speakers and one for us newbies. It was alright. I mean, I definitely learned something though it was in a much more formal way than I was expecting. Talking to the people who were all from very mixed backgrounds was interesting and fun.

Egg drop soup was good for this cough I have acquired. I feel better now than I have for most of the day, though I can feel the congestion ever present in my chest. I was going to get some medicine before the meet up and left in plenty of time to do so but somehow, in a very me-like fashion, ended up sitting in my car for almost half an hour in the parking lot of the restaurant instead.

Bookkeeping wasn't bad today. In fact, I think I am getting pretty confident about it now. It is definitely not as easy and sure going as the old system, but as long as no one fucks up royally, I can work around the minor stuff and still balance out.

Day 62

Had an interesting moment at work. A customer was talking about being a veteran and getting his discount and I don't know if he was being 100% serious when he said it but he said something to the effect that all of us would be talking "german or jap [sic]" if they hadn't fought for our country.

I did my nervous laugh, partially because such exclamations of national superiority gives me a case of the second-hand embarrassments, and also because I had been spending the day looking over hiragana and katakana in the spare moments between customers.

As he walked away I heard him say something about Arabic, but I was already moving to the next customer. She said something like "there is always that one" in reference to the customer who had just walked away, so I let her know how ironic it was that he said that to me as I was studying Japanese. She seemed to think that was as amusing as I did and even more so when I told her that he was saying something about Arabic as he was walking away and that my mother is Lebanese.

She was right though, there is always going to be that kind of person in this world.


I forgot my lunch in my room today. I woke up and made it and left it on top on my mini-fridge which is right next to the door so logic would say I wouldn't be able to miss it...but I did. I realized I left it as I walked away from my locker at work and had that moment of hoping I left it in the car before I convinced myself that I simply was that dumb and left it in the most visible place in my room.

So I knew the day was going to be a scavenging one. Luck would have it that they were conducting some kind of informative class on some work programs, benefits, and the like and they were providing food to lure people in. Yes, I listened to a little bit of bullshit to get to some grapes and cookies and it was worth it.

Day 61

This day...like a hellish blackhole.

I was on auto pilot a good portion of the day at work, all the while aware of going through the motions and recognizing it as a defense mechanism against the boredom and tedium that cashiering has become. I would much rather be bookkeeping, minus the waking up hellish early.

I need to make motions to pursue other sorts of employment. I can feel the routine wearing me down very quickly and my patience isn't going to hold up long, the starker that inevitability becomes. I was going to start on that today after work but got sidetracked by quite a few things, so that is just going to have to wait for tomorrow or maybe the next day.

Besides, my attention needs to stay sharp on car matters and the details I need to refine before I head up state at the end of the week.

Day 60

I actually cracked open my Manga folder today for the first time in a long while. I remember when it use to be so organized, the titles of the works with the names of the scanlation groups in brackets to the side. Not that they don't still have their titles but who knows how many chapters I am behind on all of them by now. The only reason I opened it today was to read a good chunk of chapters from one of my favorites. It is usually scanlated very slowly but apparently the group has got it together. Nice treat. That paired with watching some anime and listening to anime songs has triggered that hunger in me to learn Japanese.

I spent about thirty minutes or so going through hiragana on site that shows the symbols individually like flash cards and allows you to type in what they are. It was a shaky start and I am still having difficulty with a few of them, but I was fairly impressed by how much I remembered. I know katakana will be more difficult since I spent less time on it that hiragana and it is more blocky and hard to create image memories with like I have with the hiragana characters.

I looked up in there were any Japanese classes here, and while I didn't find anything as formal as a classroom setting, there is a group of people who hang out and watch movies, play games, and speak Japanese. They say it is for all levels of Japanese speakers, but from browsing their site a bit it seems most people have a background of some kind with the language. I don't know if I would go so far as to meet up with people, but it is true that I have the time to properly dedicate myself to something like learning a new language or taking on a hobby. It is interesting to be continually reminded of this the longer I am out of school. The limitlessness is at times overwhelming as well.