Day 162

I woke up at 4:15 and turned on the computer. I went on to facebook and saw someone from college wanted to add me which I opted to "not now". Then something interesting popped up. A message from Curtis from sometime last week that wasn't flagged as they normally are. I told him in the past that I don't friend anyone I don't talk to on the regular or close family and friends and that I unfriend people who fall out of those categories. I unfriended him after I found out he was quitting and it didn't seem like he was going to be talking to me much. No big deal to me, right?

"I figured you'd get around to unfriending me sooner or later. Completely understandable. I just wanted to make sure you knew that I really did enjoy hanging out with you. I'm sorry for the way things turned out - I call it self destructive antisocial tendencies. Told you I don't have friends. Lol. You're a great girl, and I wish you all the best and I sincerely hope your apron-clad days are numbered. You're much too good for that place."

On first reading, all half asleep as I was, I took it at face value of being charming and sincere as he is naturally. Be that as it may, I realized he felt he needed to say something where nothing needed to be said. Perhaps he thought I took offense where I did not or was worrying about what happened though I hadn't been, but for me it wasn't a necessary thing. So then I reread the "don't have friends" bit and the fact he has to point out I unfriended him and I honestly felt a wave of annoyance. I don't like that kind of weakness; if you don't want to lose touch with someone then don't, and definitely don't make it out to be the result of personality flaw.

Day 147

About a week ago I had a bizarre dream. I haven't written about it before now because it has some...frankly gross elements that seemed fairly gratuitous, if a subconscious can be gratuitous that is. But after some things became illuminated during the work week, I saw the dream as much more intuitive than I had right off.

In the dream I turn around and Curtis is naked as his name day (as they say in The Song of Ice and Fire series). For some reason, in a fit of very-unlike-me-ness, I lope right over to him and put my arms around him in a slinky way that I hope to never replicate in reality - with anyone. Now this is when it gets gross, and there is no delicate way to explain what happened next, but as I was looking over his arm from embracing him I notice something odd, then he groans and kind of squirms and I let go. I let go because I notice he just shat himself all over the floor of my place.

He doesn't even say anything, just kind of looks guilty and naked and like a person who just crapped all a flood of disgusting stuff that doesn't really even resemble shit really. Even though the house doesn't look like the one I live in now or any I have lived in before, my female housemates come in and are appalled and kind of take me to the side and want me to get rid of him. The me in the dream though defends him, explaining that he probably has a bowel disorder and that it isn't his fault and he doesn't need to be made to feel worse than he surely already does. I don't remember much after that and/or I woke up shortly after that.

Well at work a few days later I am in the break room and so are a lot of people, including Curtis who is holding a nearly empty bottle. I'm not really paying attention to him, just fleeting glances as I would to anyone else in the room really (I have become that apathetic) but I realized he is spitting into the cup, not drinking out of it. Immediate disgust and just "why?!" but I don't ask. Him doing dip is one thing but doing it at work is one of my biggest pet peeves about working for the company that I do. I have seen it before where employees who do dip bring it to work and go out on the floor with it in their mouths like it isn't a tobacco product and they aren't in a public place where it is not allowed. And it is unprofessional as all fuck, that too.

While talking to another associate who work in the same department as Curtis, he relays the drama in the department revolving around their department head who apparently doesn't do his job. In the telling of his story he mentions off hand that when Curtis put in his two weeks he unleashed a torrent of complaint about how the department and store are being run. I stopped him to clarify who he was talking about and indeed Curtis is leaving after this next week.

It all clicked. He was ballsy/dumb enough to do dip on the floor because he is as good as gone. My dream kind of clicked too. Minus the housemate element, it kind of summed up my interest in him. We had virtually nothing in common so I guess it was kind of physical interest, though my that wasn't very prominent for my either. And then he did something disgusting, perhaps unintentionally, to ruin his image in my mind.

Well...it cracked me up, if nothing else.

Day 137

Finally got to what is called the Red Wedding in the book today. Not what I was expecting, but knowing it was coming, I saw all the signs. Didn't make it any less traumatizing. This writer is fearless. He doesn't care who dies in his books, it is crazy. Well he shouldn't make his characters so lovable then!

I signed up for Mississippi/Louisiana/Missouri relief through work today. Pretty much, it's if it is necessary to provide assistance at those stores while those states recover from flood, we would be paid to work at their stores, be granted a food allowance and be boarded in hotels. I think it would be interesting to do, but I doubt they would pick me even if they do have need for us because I know Bookkeeping and am the only one who can relieve our full-time Bookkeeper for her days off.

I haven't been seeing much of Curtis lately, but today I saw him as he was bringing in carts on my end of the building (the opposite end of where he should be). I don't know. I just feel indifferent toward him now. He didn't do anything wrong, I'm just bored with it I guess. I guess I have other things occupying my mind; namely my books, my shows, and looking for new employment.

Day 105

Earlier in the week I kind of made loose plans with Curtis to hang out again Friday (today). But yesterday I was starting to regret it because...well I just get that feeling where I don't want to have to dedicate my time to any one thing or person and that was what I was feeling. I woke up today and pretty much felt the same, plus I wanted to finish A Game of Thrones tonight so I could be ready for the show on Sunday and pass on the book to one of the guys at work.

So when Curtis called I ignored it. Then an hour or so later he sent a text. At first I ignored it, choosing to continue reading, but then decided I could at least say I wasn't in the mood to hang out. You know, not be a total bitch.

I text back that I was planning on finishing the book so I've been reading the whole day and that was why I took so long to get back to him. He asked if I would have time to fit in a sushi dinner with him...and surprising to myself, I said sure.

I was being a right little shit about it though, kind of low energy when he picked me up all the way to the restaurant. I would tell stories as he asked questions, but I didn't find myself wanting to inquire much and as the drive went on there were lapses of silence. I don't mind silence, but the contrast from our last drive was a bit extreme.

But as we sat down at the bar and chose some roles to share between us, we started to hit our natural flow and by the time we left I felt pretty good about hanging out with him. Partly because he allowed me to pay this time like I wanted. After the massive expense of the last outing, I don't foresee letting him pay for much for a while.

He invited me to go inner-tubing (is that what it is called?) with him and his buddy/roommate of a sort later in the week but I don't know what I think of that yet.